It's an odd feeling to lose a parent that never loved you, or one you never loved. I don't think I ever loved my dad. I hated him though. When he was on his deathbed, he told the kids he did not want me there. My stepmom and stepsister didn't want me there either but one of my brothers raised hell and I came anyway, just hours before he died. Everyone left the room and I told him how I felt about him. He died the next morning. I went to the funeral home before the service because I knew they didn't want me there either, and I just looked at him. He didn't feel like my dad. Just some man who'd molested and abused me; who'd hated me as much as I hated him. I just stood there wondering what it would have been like to have had a real dad.

Will you be able to see your mom? Do you want to? Maybe that will help you. My thoughts are with you, Arfie. ♥

Sometimes the loss of life its self is something to mourn even if we don't feel a strong personal connection. It reminds us of our own mortality and the impermanence of the universe. Hugs.

Grief comes in waves. Be gentle with yourself. (((HUGS)))

Since 2011 I've been estranged from my family by my choice for my health. It's been good, but since my parents are both 83 now, it's not outside the realm of possibility that I've missed an important funeral. During this time I know little to nothing about them, which was part of moving on for my health. I know that during this time my mother had cancer return after 5 years of remission, so her funeral is the most likely one I will have missed.

Being there would have meant seeing my sister. That probably would not have been pleasant. When I spoke to her in 2011 as I broke ties with our parents, my sister's only response was "good, that means I'll get to add your share of the inheritance to mine, then." That selfish, mercenary view of life is the root of why I'm estranged from my family to begin with. They were involved in an international scandal regarding misappropriation of church funds, a scandal that got them deported and by a foreign government to be declared persona non grata. So that's why I'm with that foreign government and they're persona non grata to me as an individual, too.

Oddly, I recognize that doesn't mean I don't love my family--I do. It's just that being around them is toxic, you can't stay out of their scheming and other bad behaviors. So I pray for them while I nurture my own sense of family of choice here every day. Thank goodness for DS.

Hi arfie....
I don't post much in the group, only lurk. Your post compelled me to reply because I have been through very similar. My mother was extremely abusive in every manner imaginable while growing up, therefore I did not have a relationship with her, per say. I certainly did not have affection for her and did not view or feel for her as a "mother". She died 3 years ago of a massive heart attack at age 64. It was a bit of a shock as I just assumed she would outlive us all and be around to torture us forever.

It's a tough go because people just assume that you are going to be affected in a specific way because it's your "mother" that passed away. This is coming from people who were likely parented in a less brutal way than many of us on this forum were. You will likely go through a myriad of emotions - they seem to come at the most unlikeliest times and manner. I still can't seem to pinpoint what my "grief" looks like even 3 years later. Maybe the grieving is more for the fact that we didn't have proper parenting or families. I dunno. I guess all I'm trying to say is that whatever YOU feel is totally normal. Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to while the process works itself out. I didn't think I would be affected at all when my mother passed away. I was very wrong. Be gentle and kind with yourself. You've been through a lot of loss in life. Let the emotions fall where they may.
HUGS
Jen

Arfie I am so very sorry.... This must feel strange and I think we can still grieve over what never was or what we have always hoped for

We can still feel for the people who have hurt us in one way or another

I felt a lot of anger posthumously and it still comes back to me usually at night when all is still

Memories can flood back in even ones we don't want.... They have for me at least

God bless you.... I am hugging you.... and I am sorry for all of the losses that you are grieving and also trying to figure out......xo

There is a lot on line about grieving for an estranged parent or loved one sweetie.....xo

http://blog.griefrecoverymethod.com/blog/1993/02/unresolved-grief-end-difficult-relationships-less-loved-ones

I estranged myself from my family when I was 17.. All of them have passed or killed themselves. Not once did I feel an ounce of loss or grief I was thinking about that this morning earlier this morning thinking I was just a cold, uncaring person. Then I remembered the terrible pain and sense of loss when Robin Williams killed himself. I had a hard time understanding how a total strangers death could effect me at such a deep level. I guess it is because he brought so much happiness, laughter and awe into my life. I guess I'm not such a bad person after all Don't fret over how you should feel Simply feel the way you do. You don't have to answer to anybody.

we don't know which way a loss will affect us or when; i guess that needs to be alright for each of us. i'm so very sorry for each pain you have suffered, arf, whether now or then. i have the most trouble with the ones who caused me the most pain, somehow. holding you gently in my heart and prayers

My most recurring yaddah for both my mother and big brother so far today is:

Sorry for your Life.
May your new freedom be peaceful.
Healing hopes for all. No exceptions.

Nice yaddah, arf.

Yeah cool yaddah mate. I too am grieving people I'm estranged from. Bloody hard. Hugs if you want them.

Best, Manda XXX