Hello, 

I just started doing DBT along with EMDR therapy at my therapist's insistence.  The session was extremely powerful, and I find myself both helped and upended all at once.  I felt really calmed in the session, but later when I got home, I suddenly just could not sleep. Some extremely disturbing memories of police retrieving me from my home came back, they surfaced and then went away again.  EMDR is a lot more advanced then 20 years ago, when a trauma therapist tried it on me, just trying to basically hypnotize me with his index finger. It didn't work.

This time, she used lights, buzzing sound, and scent.  It was effective, and very profound.  I have also done Somatic therapy which I found really effective as well.  Although, I have to say, I don't know if this is the right word, but I feel dysregulated or whatever the word might be. I've been much more emotional in the last couple of days since.  I notice when I woke up this AM I was much less nervous and distracted, but I might be a lot more raw. When I went to church today, this tall man came to talk to me, and apparently I jumped or flinched.  People tell me that I do this. I guess I do that sometimes when people come in my personal space, especially if it's a tall man with a bigger voice. I think my PTSD and mental illness in general affects my ability to socialize.  I am triggered by sound and men of a certain height. It has absolutely nothing to do with them. In fact, I'm attracted to tall men and my last relationship was with a large built man.  The guy was like, "sorry, I'm not going to do anything to you, geez, WTF, I just wanted to come over and chat."

I replied, "It's not about you, I'm always like this."

That's the truth, but at the same time I feel I owe no explanation.  It's obvious that I am not "normal" that I might have a mental illness, or more than one. People can feel it and see it in my behavior. I will deal with this until the day I die, it's become part of who I am. He was just one of those intense personalities and a "close talker," which I don't like. He started asking me pressing, detailed questions to get to know me and I started to panic. I just wanted to have surface interactions with the congregation and split. I'm not looking for anything more.  and I found myself veering into oversharing. At one point I started to cry. I'm generally a pretty emotional person, and fairly sentimental. He asked me what was challenging about my teaching career, and I again remembered my student that died. Every time I think of him I cry, I just can't help it. 

Does anyone here with PTSD, or mental illess in general have difficulty socializing? I know I have. I'm OK when I'm in my element, but if I'm triggered it gets awkward fast.  I don't feel like wearing a sign saying, "I have challenges." as a warning or something.  But, interactions can get awkward when you have trauma/attachment trauma and dysregulation. How do you cope with this illness on the daily? I'm curious. Thoughts?