Makinbg too much sense if that makes snense.

Just spent a lovely harrowing weekend with family. The good side. But ... every good has its bads and I am a mess. Nobody meant to be "triggering" or whatever, but...

Yeah. it's hard to keep those messes from making more messes.

Lately I'm having trouble distinguishing between the symptoms of CKD (Chronic Kidney Disease) and PTSD. Last night was a case in point. Methinks in the end it may not matter. Symptoms are symptoms. Coping is coping. Right?

we each have to choose our own path in recovery. There are times i am stronger than others. currently, my bipolar meds are not working (need to change meds again) so, I am overly sensitive and prone to diminished emotionally capacity and unhealthy thoughts or actions. In my current state, i avoid people and places who may trigger me. (certain family members mostly but a few friends as well)

The people closest to me know there will be times i make myself unavailable, it is what i need to do for my own comfort and sanity. Mostly, those who care about me get it and dont push me especially since my health and heart have been suffering quite alot lately, stress is not what i need.

In other words, I refuse to do what you are doing. Frankly, haven't you suffered enough allready? I have. I do deal with people who trigger me but, only when i am in a good place and can handle it without a complete breakdown and, I dont suffer from the frequent psychosis you have mentioned either.

Dont get me wrong, i think it can be beneficial to face our triggers over and over to work to remove entirely or at least desensitize ourselves and gain more personal strength, but only if we are already in a position of strength otherwise, arent we putting ourselves at risk? Ya my abusers and tormenters did me a full lifetimes worth of damage, I have learned in my recovery to be gentle and kind to myself.

Speaking of which, I have heard you say things like, calling yourself a loser, among other "negative self talk." Speaking such things about anyone is not gentle or kind, nor is it loving and, in my opinion, it is you, actually perpetuating the abuse you endured. ( in other words, isnt speaking poorly of yourself and thinking poorly of you exactly the same thing your abusers did? Arent you just following their abusive example and perpetuating your own abuse by doing so?) Just my 2 cents.

(((((Arfie)))))
Yea you make sense to me ... but I don’t know if that’s good thing or bad thing lol

I’m going through where all my dx’s are flaring up & like Mujica said I can’t tell between which one is which if that makes sense

I thought about going to a meeting the other day, and this probably sounds horrible but I don’t think I can rite now because I’m scared I’d walk away with or get mixed up with a new problem :o

I don’t know Arfie, I’m sorry I’m sure I’m probably rambling here. I’ve been feeling like a lonely loba loca lately

You’re not alone, thank you for reaching out lately and posting (not to sound selfish but I think a lot of your posts have been helping me lately, even when I don’t have the rite words to write back properly)

I hope in this moment as I’m writing this that you’re doing okay, I’m gonna be lighting candles later & will lite one for you for sure

Gentle hug <3 <3 <3

* thank you for being you

Agreed draino. Currently in DBT counselling and that is a big thing that we focused on from the beginning. I never thought of it before. We never think about the verbal bashing we give ourselves over our mistakes as abuse. I even bashed myself over not standing up and protecting myself from the abuse that I, as a child, would have been powerless to stop. To even begin to cope with other triggers in the family, I need to work on the things I'm saying to myself that keeps me from making progress.

thank you, leo and muji. total agreement that a symptom is a symptom, whatever dx we attribute it too. they're all connected.

draino and psices.
further agreement about the negative self-talk. works in progress. . . among those works in progress is radical acceptance and mindfulness. i know i shouldn't oughta, but the sense that i am a loser persists, however many oughts and naughts i throw at it. damned therapy resistant symptoms. . . radical acceptance of the symptom allows me to remain mindful of it. the imagery of ****the winner's circle*** serves as reminder that life is not a contest. there are no winners or losers in life. only students.

missy
i love it when you ramble. es como mirar una brote abriendo
thank you for the prayer candle. i share your fear of encountering new problems when i enter rooms (or even virtual forums) full of crazy people, aka support groups. alas, the crazy people i meet while i am isolating are even scarier. at least in a support group meeting, the focus is on healing.