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I consider myself to be a major league isolator. I can dissociate in the rowdiest of crowds. After all, I learned how to isolate in the back of a station wagon with 10 other siblings. Isolating in the midst of an out-of-control mob is second nature to me. My training is woven into the foundation of my life.
I feel confident that most of you here have the general gist of what happened when I let that dam break. . . Don't much feel like telling the story --AGAIN!!! The nugget I am examining today is "Detachment." With this nugget, I learned how to care without losing myself in problems I have no power to change.
The nugget surfaced while I was contemplating the current day's inventory of my son's family living in my home. They moved in this December during my husband's and. . . Input still filtering in freely from the other son and his S.O. who moved out so his brother and family had room to move in. Dare we open a line to the controlling FIL and his bewildered employees going through his first year of widowhood in Houston? So far so good?? How do you measure, anyway? No blood shed so far. . .
Anyhoo. . .
The differences between Dissociation and Detachment feel important to me today. Thoughts? Opines?
I feel confident that most of you here have the general gist of what happened when I let that dam break. . . Don't much feel like telling the story --AGAIN!!! The nugget I am examining today is "Detachment." With this nugget, I learned how to care without losing myself in problems I have no power to change.
The nugget surfaced while I was contemplating the current day's inventory of my son's family living in my home. They moved in this December during my husband's and. . . Input still filtering in freely from the other son and his S.O. who moved out so his brother and family had room to move in. Dare we open a line to the controlling FIL and his bewildered employees going through his first year of widowhood in Houston? So far so good?? How do you measure, anyway? No blood shed so far. . .
Anyhoo. . .
The differences between Dissociation and Detachment feel important to me today. Thoughts? Opines?
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
I make no sense whatsoever, but then, I'm clueless.
Gentle support as your process, sort, and generally gnaw thoughtfully,
Leo
In this morning's foggy wanders, Dissociation is where I cut myself off, entirely. I will offer quarters --or cell phone minutes-- so a suffering soul can call somebody who cares. I start building unscalable walls fortified with briers and moats.
Detachment is where I step back just far enough to let people do their own sorting. I care, but it is not mine to sort. In my current inventory, I am reaching for that with my husband and his father, as well as the son and his family, as well as the other son and his significant other, as well as. . .
Can I get back to my rivers now? Am I running to lifelong love affair with rivers or from all this messy emotional baggage?
My life feels like a
run away train
I have no control
My life's goes by so fast
The present is the past
I can't look at anything
Without feeling a hunger
sadness and regret
opportunities missed
Nothing will slow down
for me to touch real life
On the other hand, one of my PTSD symptoms that bothers me the most is dissociating, so I don't want to confuse detaching with love and dissociating. Dissociating bothers me because it's that numbing that I got from surviving abuse, and I want my feelings back.
Good stuff.
Perhaps in this context, I want to say that I build walls when I dissociate. Shoo, toxic human. Don't bother me. I grow boundaries when I detach? I am still here. I still care. Just trusting you to find your own solutions.
Still chewing. . .
Walls are erected when our trauma occurs. The trauma caused the construction of the walls to occur. We survived because we have or had walls to protect us. My walls are slowly beginning to crumble, and I emphasize slowly. To what extent they are removed and the longevity of the dismantling process, only time will tell.
I detach when I allow myself to take in all of my traumas and/or the aftermath of them all at once. I ground myself very quickly and very simply. All I have to do is review how I have lived my life and what my actions were to different pertinent circumstances. I am a good person and have lived a very clean life. So once I do my personal review process, I am back on solid ground.
If I am detached, I am not spaced, just observing my own reactions calmly.