Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
I saw my counselor again this morning and for the second week in a row, it hit me just how much I’ve been in denial for so long.
It’s not been a secret to me that my diagnosis has seemed foreign. I can’t grasp the fact that I of all people have ptsd. I know what happened but this is where I am now. It’s confusing.
I learned more about dissociation and I don’t think I have DID or anything but I do dissociate. She screened me and we will go over the results next visit. I know I have moments where if I don’t focus, my brain is in space. I don’t remember conversations, people coming or going, entire drives, doing things....I get lost journaling online or watching tv shows and I lose hours. Hours. I lose hours at work too, often wondering how I could possibly be doing things right when I can’t remember doing them. I have no idea what else is happening around me when I’m doing those things. (So I don’t watch tv much anymore, definitely not while the kids are awake and I’m on my phone for me time when they’re asleep or otherwise safely engaged.) I thought a lot of that was just a normal part of being a woman - our brains often just disconnect and we have so much on our multitasking minds that we can’t remembe the drive home. My mom was not shy about tthe fact that she often didn’t remember her drive so that sort of thing seemed normal to me. She’d hate on herself for it. I never did that. I just assumed it meant I needed to rest. But I’ve always had trouble resting.
Its a lot to swallow. Even today I have needed to focus on things to help me stay present, even in her office. She asked when it started with me, that I began doubting my truth. I told her a year ago. She said go back further. I didn’t doubt my reality or my belief about events before my marriage problems escalated. Growing up I was numb. I was numb well into my twenties. I worked hard to get unnumb and get in touch with my feelings and then I met someone who was not who he said he was and I was blind to the wrongs. I saw them but I didn’t think they were wrong. I thought I was wrong for thinking that was wrong. That goes back to my childhood but even back then I didn’t doubt reality. No one ever told me ABC didn’t happen until I was with him. Everything clearly happened - it was just all my fault. I had no reason to doubt reality until my marriage.
Today I’m being present with the disaster that was the kids school Christmas party. I brought them home for nap because if I’m meeting them at school I might as well bring them home. I work an hour away so if I’m off for the day I’d rather just have the family day....but they’re not sleeping. And I hardly slept last night. Not sure why. Also most of you are thinking it so I’m just going to say it I HATE THE HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!!! Let’s get it done and over with already!
-
I don't really know how to label this but I having a rough week and I can't say it's one thing.... I have a lot on my plate which is nothing new and I try to cope in many positive ways and do but I still have my moments.My kids more so my daughters talk to me about everything which I know it's cause of comfort and we are close.... however I really struggle with the venting about their dad which...
-
I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
Gentlest of continued support while you survive the December frenzy.
And I guess in a way it was, but I've learned cosmic mistakes of that magnitude have happened to many of us here. When we're in the midst of one, who'd want to be there anyway, right? So dissociating into outer space seems like a natural way of escape, of self preservation for another day.
The trick, though, I learned, is reentry from outer space, making that landing, and learning to breathe earth air again. I'm still working on that one. I mean, my dissociating was worked to such a fine point that I got a doctorate in Spanish fiction in the process. Not that all folks interested in literature are dissociating, it's just that I was. And that much. I even made a living off of it as a literature professor for 12 years before I decided to do some therapy about this dissociating of mine. It cost me two marriages since I wasn't present to them, so I decided maybe I should look into it a little.
All of this to say don't beat yourself up, Marah. Dissociating at one time was a coping tool, right? Only later did it become a liability. So be gentle with yourself is what I say. Dissociating through the holidays is the most tempting time of all, after all.
Big supportive hugs