There's therapy. But that's all I can think of.

You are here, that's a start, but find as many sources as possible, they are there like cherries to be picked.

Some use physical energy created by anxiety, running, tennis, basket ball, even some yoga may be a way of establishing control for you, of you.
The bonus is the high activity like running also releases goo endorphins, that help with handling anxiety, stress, pain,depression.
Those are innocuous things that can be done in solitude, not tipping off your family, but benefiting your self healing.


I wish sometimes I could do laps for hours in a pool, as I did before when I was younger.

I was molested when I was a boy of 10 by an adult pedophile, and didn't get therapy until I was in my twenties. My teen years and dating in high school were pretty good, actually, but I had a dark secret the whole time.

It didn't have to be that way. I do second the advice that you get a therapist sooner than later. From my own experience, you'll be glad you did, as much as you might be afraid of the idea for now. It really helps, and you don't need to be a freaked out teenager all alone like I was.

Once that happened to me. I isolated myself. I try to spend as much time alone as I can. It's my way of coping.

It feels like coping, but it's isolating. Then you only have the pain , fear, trauma banging around in your head. Creating more isolation...because your trauma becomes all consuming. I wish you healing, not building walls around you, trapping the pain in a prison cell in your brain.
Hugs, you need to post more of the anger of how you feel about the abuse inflicted on you. So you can see it, break it down. then someday, accept that you could not have controlled what happened.... this is the forgiveness that starts the healing...Forgiving yourself for not knowing enough to see what a sick person did to you, was not in your control. You were put in fear for those that you care about. Fear made you comply. Not weakness, fear.
In "fear" we would step in front of a bullet to protect the ones we love.
A therapist will get you to an understanding of this faster.
It take believing you are a victim, not a participant to understand how you reacted.
It is also the key to the guilt you are carrying.

Post or journal it. But put a light on it, so you can remove the shadows of the effects on you.

How do I forgive myself? I don't know how. Isolation seems like the best option for me.

Like I said post journal comment, as you see things that ring a bell to similar feelings for you.

Picture your actions as "Stepping in front of a bullet" aimed at people you love.
Now you are on the ground from taking the hit. When yo can forgive yourself from the blame, you will get up shaking off the shame.

Because you know...that if you had the choice to prevent harm to those you care about....You would step in front of the bullet again.

It was not a selfish act it was a protecting act.

BTW a victim is not a slut, whore or any of the names you are using on yourself... A victim had no choice...remember the threats?
Stop your own brainwashing.

Yes. I remember the threats. Being called a slut for 2+ months can really stick/hurt someone.

My mother did it for most of my adolescent/teen years.Smashing my self esteem.
It didn't matter that it wasn't true, only that "Mother " thought/aught me shame....from 8-15 then tapering when I left to live with my dad.

I'm sorry. That must have been rough.

But your mother and family love you...already on the bonus side for you.
My heart to you, Violet. You are young enough to also easily set these resources in place to help you, as you struggle to get help.
And there's always us! the PTSD bunch. A lot of good apples( even if we don't always see it)
We want you to feel better, stronger. You caught your reactions early. you recognize the problems they are causing...Which is so much more than we had at your age.

So build your toolbox, gather what helps, ask if you are not sure...someone will answer.

Sometimes just knowing that helps, you a not "alone" in fear anymore. we are here. Hugs little one.

Thank u. You just made my day. I don't know where to even start when getting help