Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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Yes, it has been a quarter century since I began declaring December to be my therapy month. 1989 to 2014. Here in the U.S., that requires a name. I prefer, "Grinch." He drives the cooler cars. Zoom zoom...
1989 is also the year I began to take my "Trauma Induced Amnesia" seriously. The cracks and fissures of the repressed memory was vomiting over every corner of my life, from the 4 year old youngest son to the booming computer graphics business. Just background... I have already written books on the yaddahs of those blahs. I ain't a Performing Artist. I don't do repeats...
The theme my meditative wanders is exploring this morning is the yaddahs I accepted as, "delusional" in the early going of this round of therapy in order to focus on healing the memory damage. There is no doubt I had carried each of these yaddahs to delusional extremes, but ... Some tired, old cliche about not throwing the baby out with the bathwater encourages me to allow myself to review the wreckage.
This morning's wander is along one of those yaddahs my beloved dubbed, "The Bio Web." The name grew from an IT Manager taking a moments from his busy days to watch his newly acquired bee hives in action. The bees became, "...his entry node into The Bio Web."
In 1989, the internet was barely congealed. My delusional rantings about the interconnectivity of life consistently earned me a stronger dose in the syringe. Probably just as well. The Bio Web was not the problem...
This winter solstice morn finds my solar plexus a-jitter with a sensation that has herstorically driven(?) me to, "manic phase." This solstice morn finds me wondering if the jitter is just my connection to the bio web, responding to the shift in the planetary axis...
And anyone who understands this will receive 30mg of Thorazine in their stocking...
Just rambling???
1989 is also the year I began to take my "Trauma Induced Amnesia" seriously. The cracks and fissures of the repressed memory was vomiting over every corner of my life, from the 4 year old youngest son to the booming computer graphics business. Just background... I have already written books on the yaddahs of those blahs. I ain't a Performing Artist. I don't do repeats...
The theme my meditative wanders is exploring this morning is the yaddahs I accepted as, "delusional" in the early going of this round of therapy in order to focus on healing the memory damage. There is no doubt I had carried each of these yaddahs to delusional extremes, but ... Some tired, old cliche about not throwing the baby out with the bathwater encourages me to allow myself to review the wreckage.
This morning's wander is along one of those yaddahs my beloved dubbed, "The Bio Web." The name grew from an IT Manager taking a moments from his busy days to watch his newly acquired bee hives in action. The bees became, "...his entry node into The Bio Web."
In 1989, the internet was barely congealed. My delusional rantings about the interconnectivity of life consistently earned me a stronger dose in the syringe. Probably just as well. The Bio Web was not the problem...
This winter solstice morn finds my solar plexus a-jitter with a sensation that has herstorically driven(?) me to, "manic phase." This solstice morn finds me wondering if the jitter is just my connection to the bio web, responding to the shift in the planetary axis...
And anyone who understands this will receive 30mg of Thorazine in their stocking...
Just rambling???
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Hey all, i know its been quite awhile since i posted on here. Its been a summer all right. Its been something else........... You know how they say not to open the can of worms? Well a few months ago i decided to find out what my due date would have been for my first baby, the one conceived by r***. My baby would have been due on March 4th of 2006. They would be 20 years old. I was R**** on June...
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My day...today...misplaced my debit card...didn't realize it until I got to the register after shopping to a full cart. Used a different debit card and pulled apart everything looking for missing debit card before I left parking lot. Got home, dropped keys. So now I have a missing debit card, missing keys. A full cartload to unload and put away. I got everything put away.Dumped purse for a...
I'm a naturalist. I have spent -and still spend- most of my life outdoors. Still do. Buildings hold my things, much more than my life. I believe I feel the inter-connectivity of life as a gigantic web which envelopes the globe. The Bio Web? I speculate, The Bio Web ripples with the shifting of the Earth at each solstice. Every life on the web feels it, whether we have identified the source, or knot.
Perhaps just the rantings of a multipley certified mad-woman...
The mind chews on what it wants to digest... maybe now is the time to take another look... after all, healing and grieving are a CIRCULAR process.
People talk about "stages" of healing/grieving like they are set levels we have to achieve... but they are PROCESSES... programs our mind runs when it's processing something.
Some of those processes give us space just to get away and some of them challenge us IF we are ready to take them on. But whether to take something on or not and try to "process" it is OUR choice... we don't have to push ourselves... Today we are alive and THAT is a good thing.
Reviewing wreckage is a painful thing to do. I know that for sure! Just casually peeking a wee bit in the direction of mine sets my mind into a tizz of anger and grief,,, Unfortunately I am still at the "stage" (I use the word deliberately!) of beating myself up over the opportunities I messed up or ran away from because of ptsd. I'm okay with having the anger directed towards myself... that is a safe place for me... I am used to it. The "process" I cannot bring myself to allow run YET... is letting myself FEEL angry at others... that is scary.
Naturalism and a sense of interconnectivity are, as far as I'm concerned, the most sanest and sensible approach to existing on planet earth... apart from sunlight and the occasional lump of rock it is a CLOSED system... everything IS connected.
Ok, when do I get my thorazine! `
Most of my personal therapy has been under the dx of Manic Depression/Bi-polar. Not even I am very clear on when Manic Depression morphed into Bi-polar. Somewhere around the time Medical Doctors got tired of competing with the likes of me, Winston Churchill and Stephen Spielberg, I s'pose. For sure, in the yaddahs of my personal blahs, PTSD explains allot the Bi-polar therapy just left dangling... I still don't argue with the Bi-polar therapy, though. At the very least, PTSD is a multi-polar experience. For sure, flashbacks, et al, trigger me to a demonstrably manicky state...
During the therapy phase of tracking my mood swings, I noted that my manic phases often - not always - began with an electrical sensation initializing from my solar (celiac) plexus. I have never been convinced that this sensation is the same as other symptoms which heralded the beginning of a manic phase.
Maybe the question bubbling to the top here is, "Is that electrical radiation from my celiac plexus my connection to the Bio Web?"
But I feel the connection, I'm like that.
Doctors just tend not to be intensely spiritual people.