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Somewhere around May 2013 my mother (born 1929) was moved to the Hospice Care Team. Turns out that means nothing, whatsoever, but it sounded scarey at the time. My beloved has met my mother 2 or 3 times. She is scarcely real to my family here in Texas. I have worked to keep her unreal since the Therapy Funeral in 1977. The news that she had been moved to the Hospice Care Team was proof that the work to keep her unreal was not one of my more successful projects. I allowed myself some backsliding and traveled the 1800 miles to go see her. Well... We are talking about The Arf here... How easily 1800 miles can turn into 4000... So much world and so little time... Just looking for the ultimate spot to pee... In my Deliberate Omission, the journey morphed into, "The Ohio River Valley Run."
I left my beloved in an emotional turmoil when I left and we had a major marital blowout when I returned. Seems my mother kept becoming his mother and his mother kept becoming my mother and the mother of all mothers kept mothering all over out mothers. Major tit-for-tat skirmish in the Mother Wound. He moved out for a few weeks until Eldest Son and I decided to trade rooms. I took his studio apartment and he moved in to the April Homestead. I detached from the house and yard while maintaining personal relationships on a visitation basis.
And now I am once more settling in. Week One is done. My newest mantra is, "I love you like a praying mother." No major blowouts yet. My meditations of this morning are on "Denial and Deliberate Omission." Is there a difference?
It is Super Storage week in the Bee Yards. The Supers are where the honey we harvest is made and aged until harvest time. During winter, the Supers are taken off the hives and stored until the Spring Pollen flow begins. Getting our buzz...
I left my beloved in an emotional turmoil when I left and we had a major marital blowout when I returned. Seems my mother kept becoming his mother and his mother kept becoming my mother and the mother of all mothers kept mothering all over out mothers. Major tit-for-tat skirmish in the Mother Wound. He moved out for a few weeks until Eldest Son and I decided to trade rooms. I took his studio apartment and he moved in to the April Homestead. I detached from the house and yard while maintaining personal relationships on a visitation basis.
And now I am once more settling in. Week One is done. My newest mantra is, "I love you like a praying mother." No major blowouts yet. My meditations of this morning are on "Denial and Deliberate Omission." Is there a difference?
It is Super Storage week in the Bee Yards. The Supers are where the honey we harvest is made and aged until harvest time. During winter, the Supers are taken off the hives and stored until the Spring Pollen flow begins. Getting our buzz...
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
Was that denial? No; you know it happened. But you omitted it to us.
I see that difference.
One is Lying to Self; second is Lying to Others, if the Others would have done things differently had they known the FULL truth and it winds up hurting the Others.
In your case, I don't think you did either, though the Mother issues would have actually made me understand your sudden shifts of the wind. But that was for you to decide what to tell on DS. You owe us nothing; this is for you.
That's my take on it, any way...
BTW- do bees hibernate through the winter? All of them, or just the Queen? What's their life span? You've been having me think a lot about them recently. I even bought some local honey from a hiver (if that's a word) that I just noticed, even though I've driven down that road about 3,000 times since I've moved almost 3 years ago.
Much support to you, arf. And thanks for the honey and bee update.
The fact that he invited himself and that I had other ways and means to doing this does not matter.
No, bees do not hibernate in the winter. Not even the queen. In snow country, they will cluster inside their hives for warmth and live off their honey stores. Here in the sub-tropics, they remain active all year but pollen flow slows enough (raging debate on that point) that we do not expect them to produce extra honey for us, so we take off the "Supers" and store them. Glad you found a local honey source. Local honey is a dynamite immunity booster. "Local" is critical for that. It won't do you as much good to build immunities to the Texas environment. "Beekeeper" might be the more traditional term, but I hear "Hiver" from time-to-time.
Muji, my logic in the Deliberate Omission is that I am fully acknowledging and processing the dysfunction inventory. The goal is to leave room for change and growth in the relationship. I believe change and growth are both possible and desirable. I believe that hubs and I have grown enough in the since I moved out over 1.5 years ago that am reasonably confident we can live together again.
Denial is where I am expecting different results from the same old behavior. I am not so confident of the growth in my relationship with eldest son. I totally feel like "Toxic Mom" when he looks at me. Yum, yum. Can I have a second helping? Can show my gratitude by paying your rent, etc. and taking responsibility for a 34 year old man's inability to hold a job? Okay, okay, putting away my sarcasm now.
Small steps and big faith. So far, so good? The exchanges between Eldest Son and I have been brief and respectful. Mostly. Sigh... Any chance of that 1800 mile solution I used with my own mother? I believe the part of not asking her for anything, EVER, was quite critical to that solution. But... Can't bring myself to burn that bridge. Love him like a Praying Mother??? Small steps.
Yadim, hope hubs can unconsciously forgive you for the 11 hours in the car yesterday and that you are able to forgive him for inviting himself.
To me Denial is extreme state of "Never occurred never will occur cannot be true".
Deliberate Omission has many shades, including "I am lying for your good, I am lying for my good, I am leaving it out b/c I have no clue what to do yet" and so on. FOr what that is worth.
Removal of the Supers went well. 6 hives with minimal hostile buzz. We decided not to do the storage pack in the outyard, so that part remains to be done. Later...
As for things with your eldest son, I never had kids so I can't speak from any experience at all. What I can assure you of is that you're not "Toxic" at all. You're a great support to me and to many. So sorry he looks at you that way. It's got to hurt.
Be well, arfie, and know you have much, much support here.