So having PTSD I think I am always in my head and my PTSD stems from many diffrent things abuse rape many deaths the marine corps. We who suffer with this all have are own demons so I got thinking tonight and wrote this. I was gonna put it in my journal bit I thought that even though some may not get may be others will or maybe everyone who reads it will get it I don't know. But if your reading this I want you to really sit back and think about this because it's deep. 

I been thinking a lot I've been doing some deep thinking about life about were I want to go who I want to be what kind of example I want to be for my kids. I've thought about the many times i would go late at night and just sit on the pitchers mound or in the stands and just think about the cycle of life. So let me explain in detail so I would think of a baseball field one way but the game another way but in the end it all connects together. This came to me one night and it started out with just thinking about the field being the cyclyle of lifr. You got home base which is were you start and then you got the pitchers mound the one that gave you life. At home base your just a baby the mother or father on the pitcher mound they help change tour super feed you teach you the basics just like getting taught the basics of the game. As you grow the pitcher then starts to slowly pitch you the ball so you start to learn to swing to walk run feed yourself ECT then you learn to hit the ball and you move to first base and you start to learn other things in life your starting to take care of yourself in ways. As the pitcher looks at young I see if your gonna continuevtobrun you do because you know more your older you make it to second base and at this point in life your finding yourself and the pitcher your mother or father are normally proud of you cause you've come so far then third base you might be married have a career ECT you get older and older so you slow down down some but you make it back home and now you experienced enough for you to now become the pitcher and teach your child or a young one. That's how it all first came about one night when I was on the Marines I was on weekend leave and down about things and went to this field because that was the only peaceful place I could find. Bit tonight it hit me. I got my own support system it's not big but big enough now to play the game. I thought about how the game is played it's competitive you got to use strategies and steal based wjen you can catch the balls to take the other team out. I imagine now that I'm the pitcher and every one that does support me is behind me they are my team now I got to trust them listen to them watch every move and know where to throw the ball to get the other team out. The other team at this point in my life is all my demons my abusers and all the people Thatcher me and one by one I got to take them out with my team with my support. To be able to win the game to overcome it all and show them no matter what they throw at me in the game my team is ready for it and in the end we are happy and they are the ones suffering knowing that no matter what they did my team moves on and the are done. The demons lose my abusers lose. For some reason ever since that one night in the Marines when I go to a baseball field it makes me feel safe it makes me feel ok and sometimes one or two people from my side would find me and sit with me and yet I'm so relaxed so deep in thought I just open up or I cry or sometimes both or sometimes we could sit in siliance. But really I realized that's gonna be a big key to my healing I relate to a baseball field for some reason. It's the only place I truly fell safe. Now this may not make sense to you or it may be diffrent or odd but I usually use my words out loud to explain all this so it's easier when your at the field actually explaining it. So that was my deep thought of the night