Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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I realized I have to get rid of my woodworking tools because of how much they frighten me. It used to be one of my favorite hobbies but circumstances changed that.
Basically when we tried to be foster parents to my niece, Human Services came into my home and described in graphic detail how my niece could use any of my woodworking tools to injure herself. I had to buy several lock boxes and lock the tools away while we tried to get custody of her over the next three years. Now when I look at my tools all I think about is blood and pain. Goodbye favorite hobby.
I give up. Having Human Services 'educate' me on the myriad of ways people hurt themselves and others physically, mentally, and emotionally has left a permanent mark inside me. I am more than jaded and cynical. I am suspicious. I even have violent fantasies about hurting my psychiatrist who tells me to "Calm down and have a cup of tea." when I tell him I am murderously enraged toward my sister in law. He tells me I'm delusional.
After that, he told me to go back to work because I wasn't disabled.
In the end, I told him I had to stop seeing him because I was so angry at him I was going to murder him if I saw him again. He nodded politely and told me my anxiety was only ten percent of the world's influence on me and I should learn how easy it is to manage my minimal amount of anxiety.
I applied for disability, he told social security I was capable of working if I remained in treatment. Now I'm really angry with him and I have vivid dreams of killing him. I've told other psychiatric and mental health professionals about my feelings and they dismiss my anger toward him because they will not ever speak badly about a colleague in the medical profession.
I have no recourse. I have no voice. I'm being abused by the mental healthcare system and other assistance programs. So my wife and I are selling our house and moving to a cheap apartment because I cannot work but I cannot prove I am unable to work. I'm not even able to get accommodations at work because my doctor continues to believe I can hold a full time job.
I guess I'm in a pickle. I don't know how many more years I can keep going. It's been going on since 2010 and I don't see an end in sight. Like I said, I give up.
I listened to my doctor's advice and finally got the message that I need to shut up because speaking up will only cause frustration. So I quieted down, got depressed, stayed depressed, got angry, stayed angry, and now I have finally, mercifully, resigned myself to sitting home alone while my wife works.
I mostly sleep. And I'm okay with that. I take the appropriate amount of sleep medication as prescribed which fuels my depression so I end up sleeping about 14 hours a day for the last 10 days and I'm hoping I can get it up to 16 hours so I can just disappear from the world.
It's not so bad sleeping all the time. I get a bit dehydrated but I am losing weight...which my doctor says is healthy because I am overweight. My doctor says going from 191 pounds in November last year to 155 pounds today is a step in the right direction and I should keep up my meal planning. I told her I want to kill myself and she said that's not an uncommon feeling for people with PTSD.
I suppose sleeping so much that I neglect to eat and having violent fantasies about suicide are common so I shouldn't worry about it.
We have to sell our house soon because we can't afford it anymore now that I'm not working. I'm terrified of going through the process of moving. Thinking of ways to kill myself if the stress gets too much is very calming. At least there is something I can do if things don't work out or the stress gets too much. It feels really good to have a plan that I have control over. Nobody can get in my way because my plan doesn't depend on a doctor's official approval or the cooperation of Human Services.
Basically when we tried to be foster parents to my niece, Human Services came into my home and described in graphic detail how my niece could use any of my woodworking tools to injure herself. I had to buy several lock boxes and lock the tools away while we tried to get custody of her over the next three years. Now when I look at my tools all I think about is blood and pain. Goodbye favorite hobby.
I give up. Having Human Services 'educate' me on the myriad of ways people hurt themselves and others physically, mentally, and emotionally has left a permanent mark inside me. I am more than jaded and cynical. I am suspicious. I even have violent fantasies about hurting my psychiatrist who tells me to "Calm down and have a cup of tea." when I tell him I am murderously enraged toward my sister in law. He tells me I'm delusional.
After that, he told me to go back to work because I wasn't disabled.
In the end, I told him I had to stop seeing him because I was so angry at him I was going to murder him if I saw him again. He nodded politely and told me my anxiety was only ten percent of the world's influence on me and I should learn how easy it is to manage my minimal amount of anxiety.
I applied for disability, he told social security I was capable of working if I remained in treatment. Now I'm really angry with him and I have vivid dreams of killing him. I've told other psychiatric and mental health professionals about my feelings and they dismiss my anger toward him because they will not ever speak badly about a colleague in the medical profession.
I have no recourse. I have no voice. I'm being abused by the mental healthcare system and other assistance programs. So my wife and I are selling our house and moving to a cheap apartment because I cannot work but I cannot prove I am unable to work. I'm not even able to get accommodations at work because my doctor continues to believe I can hold a full time job.
I guess I'm in a pickle. I don't know how many more years I can keep going. It's been going on since 2010 and I don't see an end in sight. Like I said, I give up.
I listened to my doctor's advice and finally got the message that I need to shut up because speaking up will only cause frustration. So I quieted down, got depressed, stayed depressed, got angry, stayed angry, and now I have finally, mercifully, resigned myself to sitting home alone while my wife works.
I mostly sleep. And I'm okay with that. I take the appropriate amount of sleep medication as prescribed which fuels my depression so I end up sleeping about 14 hours a day for the last 10 days and I'm hoping I can get it up to 16 hours so I can just disappear from the world.
It's not so bad sleeping all the time. I get a bit dehydrated but I am losing weight...which my doctor says is healthy because I am overweight. My doctor says going from 191 pounds in November last year to 155 pounds today is a step in the right direction and I should keep up my meal planning. I told her I want to kill myself and she said that's not an uncommon feeling for people with PTSD.
I suppose sleeping so much that I neglect to eat and having violent fantasies about suicide are common so I shouldn't worry about it.
We have to sell our house soon because we can't afford it anymore now that I'm not working. I'm terrified of going through the process of moving. Thinking of ways to kill myself if the stress gets too much is very calming. At least there is something I can do if things don't work out or the stress gets too much. It feels really good to have a plan that I have control over. Nobody can get in my way because my plan doesn't depend on a doctor's official approval or the cooperation of Human Services.
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I don't really know how to label this but I having a rough week and I can't say it's one thing.... I have a lot on my plate which is nothing new and I try to cope in many positive ways and do but I still have my moments.My kids more so my daughters talk to me about everything which I know it's cause of comfort and we are close.... however I really struggle with the venting about their dad which...
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
Sometimes I have violent fantasies about cutting their tongues out because they couldn't call and talk to me if they had no tongue. I'd probably have to kill them though because even without a tongue they can text and email me. Yelling, screaming, hitting, and restraining orders haven't worked. I feel like I have no choice but divorce or murder. I choose divorce.
ER *now*, okay? Tell them what you told us, print it out, whatever, even go to the *police* and tell them if you have to, in order to get help, okay?
I've come to the edge of the abyss you seem to be in. What looked back? Was *me*. And I am still here, still married, still foraging ahead, and it's easy for me to type but not to *live*. Go to the ER, tell them you're having violent murder-rage fantasies that include suicide. Please, for the sake of you, those around you.
Blessings on you
Sure sounds like what this multi-certified Nut Job calls, "Depression." Ya gots me triggering all over my "Engineering Puppet Show." Ya know. . . Those puppets in my head who keep telling me that combat trained veterans and construction bosses just can't be good mothers. They are even more "Toxic" as "Monsters-in-Law." Train a boy in how to care for tools? No wonder my sons are "Failure-to-Launch" cases.
Sigh. . . Damned thought loops. . .
Don't know if it bee anything like your depression, or knot, but. . . If ya decide to get rid of those woodworking tools, I'll put them in with my just-in-case-I-get-over-it collection. I still can't keep the puppet show quiet enough to actually use them well myself, but my most rat-sassy son (35) has been putting things back where he found them lately. Sometimes. . .
Gentle support while you sort, Alan.
Wood-working sure is a fine hobby. I suspect we might even be able to find a high-stepping psycho-babbler willing to call it, "Therapeutic." You can find anything on the internet. . .
I hope I can make the transition into a hospital facility soon. The big issue is that I cannot afford it and I wonder how long they will keep me if I cannot pay.
My in-laws were supposed to come visit this coming weekend but I called them last night and politely cancelled. They called back...twice. I told them I didn't feel well and I got the usual questions like, "How are you not feeling well? You sound fine, what's going on?" They badgered me until I unplugged the phone. I checked my email today and I have 4 messages from various members of my wife's family asking to reschedule the get together soon.
I've decided if they show up and I am at home, I will call the police and have them arrested for trespassing. It's either that or beat them unconscious and call them an ambulance. I mean what the fuck are they doing. How else can I say loud and clear, "Go away".
I'm concerned about going into the hospital because my wife's family call the hospital and try to come visit me. They really want to bring this family back together again. I think my idea to divorce my wife and not be part of the family anymore is a good solution. I understand why most of their children are divorced. The spouses could not handle the harassment and abuse. I feel a kind of solidarity with the ex-husbands and ex-wives of my wife's siblings. It's the first time I felt a sense of 'belonging' in the family. Like I know my place.
Blessings.
Also -- I agree with Leo. If your therapist won't help you, go to an ER. They can get you in the door at a mental health facility for at least a 24-hour observation which will include meeting with a mental health professional.
It doesn't sound like you need to murder people, it sounds like you need a new doctor and a second opinion. If you can get in for a second opinion I'd recommend you consider letting them know that while you had a therapist before you don't want your records sent over because you want a second opinion. This is something they can do (I've been there). When I was 15 one doctor told me I was "schizophrenic" because I was hearing voices. When I got to a PTSD specialist they scratched that diagnosis. I had PTSD and was having audio-flashbacks. My visual flashback components hadn't yet started. While it sounds silly, the difference between the two diagnosis' had the ability to change my life and my medical path. The new doctor stripped me of my medication and threw me (hard) into cognitive behavioral therapy which is exactly what I needed. Had they kept me in the "zombie" state with the schizophrenia medication (that I did not need), I'd have continued self-harming and would very likely have killed myself a long time ago.
It sounds like you would benefit from a fresh mental start, and I think the best way to seek that out is going into an ER and having them place you in-patient for a 24 hour observation. Legally, they CAN NOT turn you away because you don't have insurance. Also, I don't know if you know this, but mental health facilities and hospitals have indigency payment plans. You don't have to be on disability to qualify; essentially you fill out the paperwork and the government picks up your tab as though you had been on Medicaid or Medicare. It's also retroactive for six months at most hospitals which means it includes the date you initially went in and anything six months before that (which can be very useful).
Also, different therapist/doctor with a different opinion can help you appeal the initial decision to not give you disability benefits. If a judge finds that you are disabled, they will back pay you to the date the symptoms started (which precedes even the date you chose to apply). The trial process is also free; most lawyers work on a contingency basis when it comes to disability hearings so they don't get money if you don't. Because it is a disability judge, there is no cost to you if they decide against you during the appeals process. It's pretty much a "free" process from start to finish.
Please don't do anything rash. While you hate your wife's family harming them is not a solution, and killing yourself is likewise not a solution. I would encourage you like Leo did, to go to the ER. Even if you think you've calmed down and don't need it, I would encourage you to go, and I would encourage you not to take no for an answer. You know yourself better than anyone does. Print this post, take it with you, and do what you have to do to get seen by a new mental health professional (and not the one you are currently using).
The support is out there; please don't quit trying to find it.
I hope you are able to work through all of this, and I am sorry if anything I said offended you or pushed you away (it was not my intention).
I wish you the best as you sort through all of this.
I think a new doctor's a great idea.
Not so sure about divorcing the wife, but maybe selling the house and moving far away might work?