The old habit has come back and I'm so fucking ashamed. I have people who look up to me now. My half sister, my fake sister, my girlfriend, my friends. They all look up to me and trust me. And here I am, wanting to end my life. I don't even know how to fix the feeling. It's... exhausting. I tell my mom about how I feel and she tells me I just need to find a reason to live. No shit Sherlock. 

So a recap of the whole conversation. Me and my mum got into an argument after I said I wanted to get properly diagnosed with depression. She got mad because I haven't used all my resources. Why other resources are there? I did therapy and that helped with my past trauma, I use coping skills and they just don't work like they did before. I even went as far as to pray it away. I haven't prayed since my cousin forced me to pray my bisexuality away 3 years ago for 4 months. I haven't even stepped foot in a church since then. I don't know any other resources. Anyway, that was a separate rant, she said "life sucks. You need to get over it." And I responded "if that's how the world is, then I don't want to be apart of it." She then got mad because I said that and said "so you're just going to go kill yourself?!" I told her no. Have I tried, yes. Do I want to die? Fuck no. But if what I'm feeling is going to be how I feel for the rest of my life, what's the fucking point? I then said that I don't feel anything yet I feel everything. I wake up feeling like I'm drowning every morning. It's frustrating. I feel like a robot everyday. I get home and all the things I did wrong play in my head, never shutting up. When I told her that she only focused on one thing. "So you want to be on drugs?" NO! I DON'T BUT IF IT MAKES ME FEEL SOMETHING OTHER THAN SADNESS THEN ISNT IT FUCKING WORTH IT?! But apparently not. She tells me I have to find a reason to get up. I do! I do fucking try, every morning. When I told her that she said "so I'm not enough for you to get up? Rusty (my dog) isn't enough for you to get up? What about your friends?" No. You aren't enough. Rusty brings on responsibilities that I don't want to do. You stress me out and while my friends bring me joy, the feeling disappears and I'm once again feeling like shit. And I'm more pissed off because an old habit of cutting has come back. I dontd do it often, but when I do, I feel better. I feel something other than sadness. There's a physical pain that I need. And it relieves stress. 

This doesn't even scratch the surface. I just...don't know what to do. Death sounds nice. I'm in my senior year of high school and imma be honest, I didn't think I'd live to see my senior year, so I never actually thought about what I want to do for the rest of my life. I'm so fucking paranoid of failing, yet I don't seem to care about doing work. It's like forcing a dead horse to walk when I force myself to do homework. I just...don't know what to do. I don't even know what I was expecting. An answer to an unanswered prayer? Help? Advice? I don't ibow. Sorry if I bothered any of you.

-shu