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Anybody else have a closed door trigger?
I do. A nasty one which only seems to be getting worse. It is both literal and metaphorical.
Literal:
In childhood, the closed door all too often meant neglect, rape and/or God knows what human perversion was underway. In foster and biological parenting it often meant a child and/or adolescent in isolated distress. In living with middle-aged offspring it has come to mean unpredictable negativity emerging at unpredictable times.
Metaphorical:
I started learning about the opportunities which were not available to me simultaneously with the White Trash stereotypes and taunts of the 50's and 60's. The "Closed Doors." The metaphorical closed door is a veritable kaleidoscope of meaning. I am beginning to think there might be as many closed/open door metaphors as light/dark metaphors.
In my own strictly personals, I find myself reacting to closed doors in very unpredictable ways. Triggery. When I, myself, am behind a closed door, I feel trapped. Closed doors trigger my flight instinct to uncontrollable degrees.
Anybody else?
I do. A nasty one which only seems to be getting worse. It is both literal and metaphorical.
Literal:
In childhood, the closed door all too often meant neglect, rape and/or God knows what human perversion was underway. In foster and biological parenting it often meant a child and/or adolescent in isolated distress. In living with middle-aged offspring it has come to mean unpredictable negativity emerging at unpredictable times.
Metaphorical:
I started learning about the opportunities which were not available to me simultaneously with the White Trash stereotypes and taunts of the 50's and 60's. The "Closed Doors." The metaphorical closed door is a veritable kaleidoscope of meaning. I am beginning to think there might be as many closed/open door metaphors as light/dark metaphors.
In my own strictly personals, I find myself reacting to closed doors in very unpredictable ways. Triggery. When I, myself, am behind a closed door, I feel trapped. Closed doors trigger my flight instinct to uncontrollable degrees.
Anybody else?
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
Literal closed doors? Mean I can't escape and/or can't hear threats approaching. Total. Panic. Potential. Always has been. The only way I was okay behind a closed door was if I slept by an open window, no joke on that. (Not comfy in Northern US winters.)
Metaphorical? Same thing. No threat detection possible, ergo no way to anticipate routes of conversational or other metaphorical escape. Witness my Mama Drama. Mom has closed her doors, barred them, and when I knock (however politely) I am given a slammed door in the face.... I have no idea what's going on with her, not really, and that to me? Ultimate. Unsafe. In this case, I don't want to lose a beloved family member (too late) but when I was a kid? OMG. That "closed door" expression or mood meant Vesuvius would erupt, any second, and we poor shmucks in Pompeii could only hunker down and wonder if we'd survive.
I got a door lsammed *into* me once by my sis. I peed pink for days. I reallllly hate doors. (Suitably feline of me.)
Arfie, in short, nope, you're not alone.
**** NOTE **** A professor of lit in college once said to our class: "Terror is wondering what lies behind a closed door. Horror is finding out." RIP to him, but that simple lecture note had a serious impact on how I viewed doors for the last 25 years. And why I dislike closed ones.
When I am purposely closed in...well no escape? ugh!
That was also part of the 5 min speech part from instructor, so that is also part of the anxiety.
As for the inhouse guests? family? let them know they are guests and that their room is next on paint list -redo if they can't make an effort to be human.
Plus a card for one month storage unit to get "precious clutter out of the way, they must pay the following months from that point on....Even if they stay. It is your and Beloved's home,
I would tell them that how they got here on this earth may not have been confined in a bedroom door closed...you miss those days!Ha!
hugs arfie, you are such a source of knowledge/friendship here I hate when things get to you too badly.
Jewell
It is good to know I am not alone on the closed door thing.
After my dad left, I asked my mom if I could remove the lock. She said I could, so I did. But then it was left a gaping hole, and my mom would spy on me.
I could never win.
I have dissociation (recently discovered in therapy, I didn't know I did this, just thought I had a bad memory). I don't know what my dad did to me behind that locked door.
But I do have memories of my mom spying on me through the gaping hole of the lock.
So, for me, closed doors don't trigger me. But if there's a lock on an interior door (a door that doesn't lead to the outside) that absolutely does. I cannot have any locks on any interior doors. Even bathrooms. We knock!