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It has been over 4 months since the loss of my son and grandson to the family tradition of estrangement. Not too long on the psyche healing scale, but in recent mornings the psycho-theories on, "Closure" have been floating through my meditations. I am finding that "Closure" is one of the seriously chaotic theory set in my personal therapy herstory (first therapy appt 1972). I haven't been able to force myself to brave the internet surf on the subject. I fear I will find yet another of the theory wars that so permeate psychology, in general. I have enough of those wars already stored in my personal therapy banks. When I try to plug, "Closure" into my internet search engines, I find myself paralyzed with anxiety of inviting still more troops and diplomats to the theory wars already present the already chaotic meditation. "Chaotic meditation" seems like it should be an oxymoron. . .
Anybody up for a "just-a-patient" discussion? Personal thoughts and/or experience for summarizing painful experiences to the extent that you can "close the book" and set it back on the shelf? Strictly personal. I will brave the Published Expert Surf when I am ready.
I find myself using "Chapter Headings" for the thought loops which are still processing through my mind. An outline of sorts. My current crisis might look like this:
***MIL/DIL Blowout (Loss of son and grandson)
**********Housekeeping
**********Financial Abuses
**********Closed Door Mysteries
When my mind starts spinning the relentless thought loops, I attempt to find which of those chapter headings the specific thought loop belongs under and file it there. I believe I have found the proper place for it when it actually stays where I filed it. If it jumps its "file folder" than I let the processing continue its course until it finds its heading.
Thoughts? Reality checks?
Anybody up for a "just-a-patient" discussion? Personal thoughts and/or experience for summarizing painful experiences to the extent that you can "close the book" and set it back on the shelf? Strictly personal. I will brave the Published Expert Surf when I am ready.
I find myself using "Chapter Headings" for the thought loops which are still processing through my mind. An outline of sorts. My current crisis might look like this:
***MIL/DIL Blowout (Loss of son and grandson)
**********Housekeeping
**********Financial Abuses
**********Closed Door Mysteries
When my mind starts spinning the relentless thought loops, I attempt to find which of those chapter headings the specific thought loop belongs under and file it there. I believe I have found the proper place for it when it actually stays where I filed it. If it jumps its "file folder" than I let the processing continue its course until it finds its heading.
Thoughts? Reality checks?
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
WTF is "closure"? Closures are things that keep my clothes on my body (buttons, snaps, etc.) Soooo... what is this elusive snark-like beast called "closure" in therapy or in my psyche?...
I have yet to encounter the word in therapy, but it's in pop culture to the point of inanity, as far as I can tell. You close a box full of a loved one's things, poof, this TV show says it's closure about the relationship. I closed a casket. Didn't get closure on the dead abuser's actions.
Yeah. I'm in my own series of loops, neatly categorized under headings in the Inner Outline. (A la English composition classes of yesteryear). Set, subset, and sub-subset...
All I know is, in math terms, I'm the poor shmuck in the Venn diagram where all that crap seems to overlap and show the common "value". Variable. Whatever.
Yep. I shake, I cry, I feel like I am a slimy bit of stepped-on slug scraped off on the doormat, and meanwhile, the little "processing" thing in my subsconsious is still spinning and spinning.
Spiritual vertigo? I dunno. Feels like it.
I think I'll get that mythical healing closure when the wounds come to a full and natural healing, but that doesn't preclude scarring...
Ugh, too many metaphors, not enough concrete examples in my life. Sorry, Arfie.
Support to you as you sort, consciously or otherwise....
Triggers will always come up where I will need to reopen the file at times and review things for further understanding so I can deal with the real time trigger in question. But upon further review and learning, I will refile the folder and move on with life. I never file something until I have exhaustively examined it and learned from it. I will never just quickly file something without doing the hard work of examination.
I am in the process of opening a new file for my father, brought on by the trigger from the stairway fiasco. I put it to the side because I did not want to look at it. I was hoping it would just go away. Such is not the case, so another chapter opens itself for me. Closure does not mean that things just go away forever. It means for me that I have the ability to manage it and still keep everything in good order and still live a fruitful life. Closure to me a means that as one a mental illness, that I am not all that much different than the so-called normal folks. Because each and every one of us has stuff. In many respects, those of us who freely admit we have an illness are much healthier than those who do not.
No doubt about it. . . Both theories have been through the self-help meat grinder since then. Hard not to feel invalidated when I am trying to sort through therapy which might actually have been effective, but have since reduced to buttons, snaps and Toxic People Landfills. . .
Still sorting. . .
Lilly, Grief workshops have helped me in dealing with loss by death, even when the death was of an abuser. The workshop series I took after the death (2005) of the bi-sexual pedophile I called, "Daddy" was especially helpful. The death of a loved one is the loss of love. The death of an abuser is the loss of hope. The opportunities for resolution with the abuser.
I began looking for "closure" to deal with loss of living relationships (estrangement), but I have come to think it is even more important in dealing with conflicts within relationships I want to continue. When I am able to bring closure to an argument, it is much easier to keep the argument from bleeding all over the rest of the relationship. It has a chance of staying an isolated argument rather developing into a full-blown dysfunction. Whether the current "closure" I seek is just for an argument within an ongoing relationship or the end of the relationship is unknowable today. The nature of the loss is allot less predictable when The Other(s) involved are still alive.
Still sorting. . .