I just want to say I think you are very courageous for talking about your past. Being a prostitute resonates deeply with me ... I'm not sure why. But I love that you talk about it.

I second what DW says. I could think of some reasons why this was the easiest and most satisfying choice at the time, but what difference would it make? Just know you are heard.
Jewells.

There are lots of reasons why your choices felt so limited at that time. Yes, you chose. But you made the choice you felt was the right one for you at the time. It's really not about judgment, but about acceptance. You are a strong woman because of what you have survived. You are a smart woman because you're willing to examine the choices you made. Remember, too, that you are a compassionate woman... if you were to meet your younger self, I'm sure you'd see her pain, her confusion, and her determination to survive on her own terms. Because you did.

Honestly hon, the majority of us here, are living today with some of the bad choices we made years ago. I think our ptsd played a huge role in making them. When you come from abuse, your entire way of thinking IS different from others.

To me, what's done is done....plain and simple. I bet most of us, if we could go back, would have made better decisions. I still beat myself up from time to time, but at the end of the day, I know that I did "the best that I could", at the time. And I think the same goes for you nelliefay!

thanks a lot everyone for your kind responses. I did feel a bit 'naked' putting my past in print. Yes, I can have compassion for that young version of myself, who was so totally mixed up and traumatised. Trying to make choices in that frame of mind - and being psychotic too - was very tricky.

I am in awe of you putting htis out here for us to see. you did the best you could with what you had and knew then. THat's all anybody can do, ever. PTsD or not. IMHO. Gentle hugs,
leo

Thank you for your courageousness. It is so nice to see people who will talk about life--good and bad. We have all made choices that served us negatively over the years, mine were also due to a differrent type of abuse--either way, we did what we had to do to survive as we knew it. Nothing wrong with that. Accepting it and being able to move forward in a healthy way is what matters. It seems to me you are doing that! Kudos!

See if this helps...it may not...If this forum were a room and we were all in group therapy sitting in a circle, including yourself, and a little girl who was your age when you were assaulted walked into the room and stood in the middle of the circle dressed and ready to go work her corner, what would we all do and and say to her? You included?

I know I would say, "Hey you, come here, you are way too young to be dressed like that. Wear my coat, and sit with me. You are safe with this group, and we will all believe every word you say. You don't ever have to go out on the street again. All these nice ladies are going to Keep you safe from now on"

I'm wondering what other group members might say and what you might say to yourself?

The point is, when you were assaulted, no one was there to make you better, to reassure you or make you feel safe...in many ways though of legal age, you were still a child trying to process your assault.
So yes you made a choice, but did you do so with the mind of the adult that you have now, or with the mind of a wounded kid who was out of control with pain and hurt trying desperately to escape?

I'm going to guess the latter.

That said, 18 years have come and gone...you can let self blame hold you back, or you can move forward...you survived your trauma and 18 years on the street...You are one fierce woman...if you can get through that, and think and post as rationally as you just did, I can't even begin to guess what else you may be capable of accomplishing...

:)

Nellie,

Im such a goody-shoes choir boy, Im just amazed you and I are talking about this. I feel trusted by your openness in asking. As a total whitebread square, I can imagine my opinion might mean beans. But what I feel as I read your post launching this thread is that its admirable how much you care about your responsibility in this. How much youre not making excuses.

In the end, me with my corny past and you with a racier one, we both have PTSD and deal with the past to be healthy now. You deserve it no less than me or anyone. So just speaking for me, you chose the best you could, you are honest and take the consequences, and you deserve the respect being that responsible brings.

Thats just me. Im biased because I was a hospital chaplain and am influenced by reading that my religious role model associated with a lady called Mary Magdalene despite what people said about her.

I hope I supported you, and apologize if I didnt do it right.

Muji

I try not to beat myself up over past choices. I did what I did. I am where I am.

You could have just as many regrets from choosing another career.

I think it's healthy that you are willing to accept responsibility for choices made, even when the options were limited. You survived.

Today is the day that matters most.

I assure you, you are not alone... I did the same thing... I saw myself as a lifeless, soul less, and something to be used for sexual pleasure...

I never thought I was worth more than the dope I was getting as a result of my "services"...

I recently went through a compulsive episode, and my friends are helping me to see it for what it really was... I am so very grateful for their feedback and your willingness to bring up this topic...

It is a rough one for survivors of sexual abuse to recover from, but with awareness, you are one step ahead of the game... Lila

reading through this thread helped us.... though we were not in a situation exactally as yours our younger minds made decisions that we have struggled with to this day and that have haunted the halls of relationships that seem to be truthfully understanding.....

thank you

What choices are there when we just don't give a crap? When it feels like there's nothing..no one..?

When none of it matters, neither does the choice.

So in that sense, you did what your spirit was reduced to do. I can't blame my choices/behaviors on being a victim, but I can certainly say that the things that happened in my life caused a great lack of giving a sh%t or feeling like it ever mattered.

That was then, and this is now. Here we are, asking ourselves these questions and making better choices. THAT's what matters. Hugs to you.

I'm blown away by all the kindness expressed. thank you very much. I take on board what you are all saying, about the need for some compassion for the choices I made, and yes, they were from the space of the very wounded little one. thanks again. I'm in a good place these days - it's easy to see clearly when you're older and wiser!

I agree with the others here, you have such courage and inner strength.