I'm venting, y'all.  Last time I took a sick day my boss sent the community college's disability officer to me to challenge me as to whether I could do the job.

So I bundled up and went in the snow to today's all college meeting, but when I got there I felt awful.  Today the infection's manifesting as laryngitis, so my voice was croaking.  I signed in to prove my attendance as required, but I saw my department's secretary and was able to tell her face to face I had to go back home.

I haven't called my boss's cell phone in 7 years, but when I got home I left her a message, too.  My college gets really picky reminding us "it's in our contract" to robe up and march in commencement, which is tomorrow.  I usually am up on stage in the  ceremony reading names, but being on antibiotics with laryngitis that's exactly what I can't do.

After leaving my boss my message I sat worried at home by the phone.  At the start of this semester I said no for the first time in 7 years to teaching an overload, and my boss didn't like that and held an extra meeting about it with the dead before agreeing.  I had to invoke my doctor, PTSD diagnosis, and ADA accommodation just to teach a normal load.

So calling in sick now worried me.  I just got a call back from her, though, and she said OK.  I know expected that statement because I am, after all, entitled to sick days.  Plus, I've proven myself in my record.  I didn't miss a single class this semester just like I haven't for 7 years now since she called the disability officer on me for doing it.   

But rights are one thing, and office politics is another.  Even when you have tenure, in today's work climate at my college you have to maintain a profile to campaign for your job not to be cut. In 2000 I taught for 8 years at a university and had tenure, and then my whole department was cut for budget reasons.  I ended up in the hospital with PTSD panic attacks, my wife and I got a divorce, and I went bankrupt. 

Then in 2010 I had a good job at a private college for a year, and again budget cuts got me, the dean, and six other instructors laid off in May with no wayring.  So I have some experience with office politics and job loss.

My college I'm at now is in such an enrollment crisis losing 40% of its students in my 7 years there that instructors are being pressured to teach extra classes to save money and not hire part time adjuncts.  Last week older instructors like me got letters from the college saying they'd like for us to retire early to save money, too.

So it's not a good time to be vulnerable or show any weakness, to do anything less than show extra sacrifice for the team.  I've been strong and sacrificed a lot, teaching overloads without fail for 7 years.   The "optics" of being sick right now, then, really suck against the background of reality.  I've found in office politics that fleeting perception from above sometimes can define you against all you've really one.

It's really frustrating to struggle through a perfect work attendance record and not be able to put a cherry on top today.  I was there at the meeting, but laryngitis took my voice so I can't play my part up on stage reading names at graduation to show the bosses on stage with me I'm still a team player.   

I've got lots of will power.  I can't believe I had to turn around right as today's all college meeting started and come home.  I'm stewing now about feeling obsolete, not campaigning to prove I'm a productive instructor despite that college letter telling me to retire early.  I can't campaign for myself because with laryngitis I can't even speak up for myself.

When my boss called me back and heard on the phone that I could only croak that I wanted to be at today's meeting and read the names in commencement on stage tomorrow, she heard that my voice wasn't there.  I reminded her I didn't miss any classes this semester, but that had just postponed my illness to interfere with being the voice as name reader in the ceremony tomorrow. 

She said it was ok.  Now we will see if her statement matches reality--if I hear from the disability officer again like years ago or if she requires me to meet with her and the dean again like this semester.  I'm freaking out about literally not being able to speak up for myself to head that off. 

I was so close, I made it to the meeting, but I couldn't just sit there with my parka on sweating with a fever just to be sure to be seen in the auditorium.  Office politics with a PTSD stigma sucks and I've been laid off in 2000 and 2010, so I know twice over how it feels for this to turn out badly.