I’m wanting to journal, needing to journal, but also a little lazy and more than anything, I just want to talk to a human.

 I want a real life human with hands and feet and skin and everything to tell me that it’s okay that I don’t know what I’m feeling.

 I want a hug. Please don’t send me virtual hugs in response to this. I’m in a phase and it will literally make me bitter. I love that I can say that to you. I love that you will respect my feelings and let me own them and not be offended that I don’t want your virtual hug. I want a real life human hug and not some lame side hug but a really good squeeze, like the way little kids hug their teddies or dollies when they’re upset. I want a real hug. From someone who gets it.

If you can’t tell, I feel lonely and misunderstood.

 I told my brother he’s needing to stop trying to be in my kids lives. Uncles have no rights. He has yet to admit that he was violent and inappropriate. This was all via email.

He called me immature for not letting them have the gifts he sent. He said he’d send them right back if I returned them so I just sold them and the money is going to daycare “Hashtag - win!”

He said I can’t stop him from sending them things. I said he’s not getting a forwarding address from me. His first sentence was that he’s not up for debating but this demands a response.....boundaries are not up for discussion! It’s a clear boundary, a limit, a do not trespass sign! I responded very bluntly to his very lengthy response saying maybe you’re confused, do not send them anything. If you’re not in my life you’re not in theirs. There’s no emotion here. These are boundaries and they exist because you’re not a safe person to have in their lives. I will not consider any further correspondence until you do some soul searching, see a counselor or meet the big book. 

Then he started text harassing my mom who told me he’d really like them to open their gifts

”I’ve already talked to him.”

One thing he said is that he wasn’t talking through her. He was though. And clearly he still is. He ridiculed me for not responding to texts and then said he didn’t talk through our mom but he definitely did and does.

Again he says I was a terrible sister

TW

Even if I’m blocking out some terrible things....maybe I did more than hang around him too much, make too much noise, need to use the phone, tell him I didn’t want to play his touchy feely pretend to rape me game, etc....either way, I was his younger sister and no matter what I did or said, pushing me down the stairs, trying to drown/strangle me, punching and kicking me, threatening to kill me, telling me things he wanted to do to people who pissed him off and how much he hated so many others - including our dad...telling me he knew where the gun and bullets were.....those things are violent and abusive and they are his responsibility. Drunk brother, at 23 years old, only 20mos older than me, walked me to my car and I had to remove his hand from my rear.....He has problems. I’m done letting him in my life. I was done ten years ago but he and Mom are such a dynamic duo. I’m pissing them both off and id like to say that I don’t care butch clearly I do. I’m so mad. Extremely mad. And yet driving tonight I got through the anger and felt something all new....such a huge amount of despair and something so dark. I so rarely cry. And the minute I got off the freeway and entered my small town I diverted my thoughts to safer things. 

On the bright side, I dissociate but it could be worse. I was afraid that screening would make all the things husband called me seem so potentially true. But they’re not. And this last week he’s shown his tru colors again. I’m so ready for this divorce to be over. And so desperate for a friend. Who has time for friends? Even those who know a tiny bit and say call any time, I can’t call them. I wouldn’t know where to start and they don’t know enough nor do I want to explain. Plus I don’t think anyone ever shows their true colors. I don’t trust anyone. What is a safe person? I’m not sure that actually exists. I don’t even consider myself safe because I have been so so blind to so much wrong so so many times. I think this world just sucks and it sucks that we just have to figure things out and it sucks that people don’t know how to be supportive and it ducks even more that we can’t be mad at them for not knowing how to do something. Except I guess I am mad....