Exactly where I am Arfie!!! Most days I can go out now and do things such as shopping but I do try and go in the day time when I know the stored will be quieter or with my husband if they are busy. I am still not good in large crowds like concerts and such. I am still not good with a lot of noise such as a lot of people talking at the same time.

As for meeting new people I am trying but I just feel so ackward and I just do not seem to fit in anyplace. I took a watercolor painting course and the instructor singled me out because I had cheap paints and not perfessional ones. Even in what is suppose to be fun courses I get picked on. There was no requirement to be an artist or have professional paints...it was billed as a laid back fun beginner course and more of a group/friend group. Ha!

I wish I could find people who could just accept me for who I am.

I just got back from going to another Major League Baseball game again yesterday. I have trouble belonging to groups, too, and trouble with crowds. So going to sporting events has been the way I've challenged myself this year. I get cheap tickets scalped legally via an online website so I don't pay a lot to do it.

I plan the thing down to a "t," as in where to park or whether the ride the subway, etc., down to the last detail.

Usually I get a lot of support here first, but this weekend I decided to try it quietly. I've chickened out twice this year at the last minute ticket in hand. But I went yesterday and my team won! The real point, though, was I felt a wave of higher self esteem wash over just for doing it. I know it seems like a small thing, and I go alone and not even with a friend along. But to take my seat and therefore claim my place in the stadium makes me feel like I have a place in this world, too.

I know it's a small thing. Sports--who cares, right? And I'm not even the biggest sports fan. It's just become a way I can push back against my PTSD isolation. I mostly live a hermit's life alone--so spouse or anything. So it means a lot to me.

I'm going to an NFL football game on Sept 20th, God willing. Knock on wood.

I have certainly been a hermit personified. The things from what you so aptly refer to as the toxic waste dump from decades ago created an individual who was scared of the world and everything in it. But now that I have unearthed the waste, sifted through it, processed it, and bulldozed it back to its proper hole in the ground at the dump, I am ready to move forward.

Where you and I would differ is that I could care less about acceptance from other people. I am who I am. You either like me or you don't. I am happy with who I am and that is a nice place for me to be. I know I have lived a good, clean, hard working life and this is what keeps me grounded.

Now is time for me to venture out and realize that all of the people that I was so afraid of for the most part are just fine. Yes there is human debris out there, but my HV picks up on that very quickly. I will always have my HV and I will trust it. I will use it as a positive tool rather than one that locked me up in an unhealthy fear of the world. Time to venture out, slowly, carefully, and methodically.

Despite my aversion to crowds, I am actually quite good at meeting people in onesies and twosies. I typically make a great first impression. It is what made me a good contractor and still draws me to field research here in my second childhood. It is my first childhood, actually, but I don't expect many people to understand how a 61 year old woman could be in her first childhood. I know many of the folks here do, though. . .

It's a mighty big gap between meeting new people and developing long term relationships. For me, there is an even bigger gap between a long term relationship and joining a club of any stripe.

I often feel like I don't belong with people and am lonely in a crowd. Sorry you feel this way.

Hi, Yes I don't do well in crowds.... usually go out early as not to get caught up in the crowds! Good for you Arfie for going to that art class... and later for that asshole instructor! Blessings!
MJ

I can relate.

I can perform in front of a crowd and teach all day long.

But make me mingle at a cocktail party? I craved approval, yet dreaded rejection. No wonder I drank...

Now I just look for one person's Attaboy. Mine as my head hits the pillow.

Forget alligators, coyotes, or water moccasins, humans are freaking dangerous!

I don't do parties.

I feel alien.

It depends for me. I can look very social to the outsider but once you get into my bubble I am a mess. I also an isolate a lot. I must have personal space and an escape route.

I do better in crows than a couple of years ago. I can fill or hold up my end of the conversation...but also gracefully walk away when it's no longer comfortable. I give that change in me to being here and the classes I take.
But stress can still make me hibernate until I can breathe again. Then get up and try again.

Lol crows? or crowds..same same.