Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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My little sister recently came back from a visit to our father with her mother, which went bad (I bloody told them this would happen!). And now my father is throwing twice the dose of his usual bullshit at me.
All along I thought that he didn't have anything to do with me having PTSD, aside from just generally destabilising my situation, but maybe I've underestimated his role in the giant mess that is my life.
Long story short: He has a severe case of Bipolar Disorder and is in denial about it, so no meds, no treatment. My whole life he has been emotionally manipulative, threatened to kill everyone I love, said I had been brainwashed, that everyone's against him, threatens to commit suicide and blames me, sends me several pages long e-mails detailing why I'm a horrible person etc.
I often dismissed his abuse (I'm still strangely reluctant to call it that, but I guess that's what it is) as compared to some of the other stuff his bullshit seems fairly harmless. Also he's never hurt me physically, though he did hit my mother.
I guess it might have affected me more that I initially assumed, as he has done this as long as I can remember. I try to avoid him as much as possible, but when I do he starts unloading his crap at my sister and I rather it'd be me. I can handle it.
Then again, I'm always dismissive about the things that happen to ME. If someone were to hurt someone I care about or even a stranger I'd be the first to defend them. If the same thing is done to me I'm like: 'Meh. Shit happens. Moving on.'
Or from another angle, and this might be the fucked up, childish and naive part of me talking: Maybe I'm projecting more of the anger in me on him than he deserves. After all with most of my traumas, those who caused them are dead or I simply don't know anything about them. He's the only one I can blame for something.
On the other hand, holding a knife to your throat and telling your pre-school kid it's their fault if you kill yourself, that's a dick move.
Or maybe some of the anger towards myself should actually be directed at him. I look almost like a female clone of him. People, even random strangers, call me beautiful, and maybe I am, I don't know and honestly I don't really care, but most of the time I can't stand the way I look because all I see is the resemblance to him not only in terms of looks but also in my movements, laugher and even sense of humor. And my absolute worst fear is ever being anything like him.
There's this big mess of fear and hatred and betrayal and dissapointment and anger but also small, shattered remnants of this stupid, instinktive love a child has for a parent in me and it's confusing the hell out of me.
I wish I knew how big his part in me having PTSD really is. Am I blaming him for things others did? Or am I dismissing what he did because it wasn't anything physical and that somehow makes is not as bad?
Sorry for rambling, this turned out to be longer than I intended. Ta for reading. I'd really appreciate your opinions on this. ((hugs))
All along I thought that he didn't have anything to do with me having PTSD, aside from just generally destabilising my situation, but maybe I've underestimated his role in the giant mess that is my life.
Long story short: He has a severe case of Bipolar Disorder and is in denial about it, so no meds, no treatment. My whole life he has been emotionally manipulative, threatened to kill everyone I love, said I had been brainwashed, that everyone's against him, threatens to commit suicide and blames me, sends me several pages long e-mails detailing why I'm a horrible person etc.
I often dismissed his abuse (I'm still strangely reluctant to call it that, but I guess that's what it is) as compared to some of the other stuff his bullshit seems fairly harmless. Also he's never hurt me physically, though he did hit my mother.
I guess it might have affected me more that I initially assumed, as he has done this as long as I can remember. I try to avoid him as much as possible, but when I do he starts unloading his crap at my sister and I rather it'd be me. I can handle it.
Then again, I'm always dismissive about the things that happen to ME. If someone were to hurt someone I care about or even a stranger I'd be the first to defend them. If the same thing is done to me I'm like: 'Meh. Shit happens. Moving on.'
Or from another angle, and this might be the fucked up, childish and naive part of me talking: Maybe I'm projecting more of the anger in me on him than he deserves. After all with most of my traumas, those who caused them are dead or I simply don't know anything about them. He's the only one I can blame for something.
On the other hand, holding a knife to your throat and telling your pre-school kid it's their fault if you kill yourself, that's a dick move.
Or maybe some of the anger towards myself should actually be directed at him. I look almost like a female clone of him. People, even random strangers, call me beautiful, and maybe I am, I don't know and honestly I don't really care, but most of the time I can't stand the way I look because all I see is the resemblance to him not only in terms of looks but also in my movements, laugher and even sense of humor. And my absolute worst fear is ever being anything like him.
There's this big mess of fear and hatred and betrayal and dissapointment and anger but also small, shattered remnants of this stupid, instinktive love a child has for a parent in me and it's confusing the hell out of me.
I wish I knew how big his part in me having PTSD really is. Am I blaming him for things others did? Or am I dismissing what he did because it wasn't anything physical and that somehow makes is not as bad?
Sorry for rambling, this turned out to be longer than I intended. Ta for reading. I'd really appreciate your opinions on this. ((hugs))
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When i was in the ER February 16th 2025, i was being admitted to ICU where i was for 3 weeks, then had to relearn to walk for 3 weeks in another hospital rehab floor, the nurse told me something that made me feel for over 18 months now that i was finally *safe*. She told me that the guy who raped and beat me 21 years ago now almost 20 years at that time, was in prison as of a month before that...
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Sometimes, I think I have ODD. I can be oppositional. It seems that the only times that I feel like cleaning are when I should be doing something else or I have to go somewhere. Well, not everytime but most of the time. Yesterday, I was supposed to be doing online training for work but instead, I decided to work on my kitchen table. Most of the time, I don't know where to start and give...
i struggled for a long time with the maybes of he couldn't really help himself and at least its me not somebody else. but the fact is he was & is a very bad man who is very abusive. now days i literally refer to him as nothing more that a sperm donner. the abuse did not stop when i left home. that contributed to the difficulty in recognizing it. it felt normal fr so long. i thought everybody grew up that way. i thought it was just the way any parent treated their kid and spouse. my world fell apart when i found out it wasn't normal by any stretch of the imagination you could come up with.
i guess i'm trying to say that what you are describing sounds to me like abuse. i also want to say because it does i would like to offer to you that it may be hard to understand all of it at the moment but that is ok. it can be hard to deal with. i hope you find the care and support here on DS and there around you to help you in whatever choices you make while processing all of it.
Then since he's mentally ill but untreated like your dad, he started putting the family in ridiculous dangerous situations overseas. Kids learn foreign languages faster than adults do, so at first I just chalked the "mistakes" up to his not understanding the language. But he drove our car with the entire family in ii into a flooded river on purpose on a trip once. That's not a language problem. It dawned on me he had a death wish and the family was along for the ride. Many more episodes like that followed. I'm lucky to be alive. And weekly beatings of my mom and me ensued.
My fear of being like him was similar to yours, too. I especially didn't ever want to throw my family into danger for kicks like he did. So at a fairly early age, I had surgery so I couldn't father children. I don't recommend you do that, I'm just saying that's how seriously I understand not wanting to be like an abusive parent.
Don't blame yourself for not being able to sort out what's his fault or not. He doesn't know and it's his life, so how could you know second hand? The important thing is to establish boundaries and, if necessary, distance, so you can go about your life with authority of self, authoring your own story. That in itself is plenty to have on your plate. As for him, I suggest turning him over to God, if that works with your belief system. God has the time--eternity--whereas for us, life is short and living our own lives well is accomplishment enough.
Also, children arepretty much just as traumatized seeing parents hit each other as they are being hit themselves.
Incidentally, if he threatens to kill himself around you, call the police...
Especially if he does it via email?
As that way you have hard evidence.
If he threatens to kill anyone else, report that to the cops too.
...I mean, I have called the police on my Mr Crazypants a few times to keep Mr C from attempting suicide...and the evil psychiatrist finally! Finally! Put him on a mood stabilizer as a result.
If he DOES ever kill himself?
It is absolutely positively not your fault.
Hope the ramble helped, Neo. Gentle support while you sort.