throw the razor blade away. break the cycle.

Since you know what you're doing, is it possible for you to make a decision to do it differently? Can you say "Somebody hurt me - I don't deserve to be hurt!" and decide not to hurt yourself? Can you muster up some stubbornness about that? Like, others have hurt you so badly - why should you continue the work for them?! And then tape somebody's face to a pillow and beat the crap out of it.! For ever daring to hurt you! An innocent child who didn't deserve it! Beat up that pillow!

I Know exactly how you feel. I am the same way. We need to find a way to channel that anger back at the one who hurt us. It's not OK that they hurt us. But we have a default of hurting ourselves instead. I'm not going to tell you to throw away the blade because I know we'll just replace it. My therapist told me to find a stuffed animal to practice talking back to. Well that stuffed animal has been cut to ribbons. I guess I don't have any answers for you. I wish I did. But I guess I wanted you to know you're not alone. Try cutting something else. In my case the stuffed animal got it rather than me.

I agree with the other replies. It sounds like you need break away from a bad cycle. Can you do this in small shifts? Substitute something else instead of yourself like a pillow or something?
You shouldn't be angry at yourself when you haven't done anything wrong.

Even if you can't break the cycle right now, I think it would be awesome if you could at least say the words out loud "Somebody hurt me and I don't deserve to be hurt!" I would love it if you would practice saying that, whether you believe it or not just now.

Is this round of self-flagellation connected to the anger you were feeling toward your therapist earlier today? The reason I wonder is because that would be my own pattern. When I let my anger turn inward instead of venting it, it does seem to turn into self-flagellation.

Whatever it is for you, cj, gentle support while you sort. Awareness is always the critical first step in the sorting.

Earlier I did cut myself. The anger was hurt that I felt towards my therapist. She was really attentive to my feelings and can really want to know what was that upset me. She was great. I was one that wasn't kind to me. I broke my rules. I put my walls down and I allowed myself to be hurt.
Then to top it off I showef it during a whole fick'in session. I felt weak and to needy. All that is a big no no. 'I am a rock' the song sounds more like me than I ever knew. On some levels I need people but I really do not let the walls down to far anymore.

I understand you very well. I feel ashamed and disgusted when I show my weakness and neediness to people - especially my new therapist, who I am not too crazy about. But it really is a sign of strength and progress for you to be able to do that!

Letting down your walls a bit and allowing yourself to be vulnerable to someone is an act of courage and a sign of progress. Congratulations! You don't deserve to be punished for it. The person you chose to do this with is trustworthy and really cares about you, so you acted from wisdom.

These are your growing pains, and it's not surprising, given what you've been through with people in the past. Please know that you are doing great and you deserve tenderness and appreciation for the great strides you're taking. Good work!