I am still trying to balance the heavy suckage that has been squeezing my brain lately. Yesterday held some amazing text exchanges from other family members. Eldest son told me of a floral arrangement he had created from one of my abandoned hydroponics experiments. It launched into the plant passions we used to share before I was promoted to, "Toxic Mother." The DIL sent me a string of emoticons my dumb phone garbled into programming code. It is the thought that counts. I feel pretty safe AssUMing that the emoticons were favorable.

The joke I have been contemplating this morning is an oldie but a goodie.

God's Penny

God and I were talking the other day. Over the course of the conversation, I asked her if her perceptions of time were the same as mine.

"Oh no," she chuckled. "One of my minutes is like a thousand of your years."

"What about money? Does it mean anything to you."

"Sorta." she answered. "One of my pennies would be like a billion of your dollars."

After some hesitant thought, I asked her, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"

"Of course you can," she answered without hesitation. "In just a minute."

Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called rain.
-Michael McClary
You Might Be an Engineer if...
1.your favorite James Bond character is "Q".
2.you see a good design and still have to change it.
3.you still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
4.your family haven't the foggiest idea what you do at work.
5.in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
6.you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
7.you are better with a Karnaugh map than you are with a street map.
8.you think the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
9.you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
10.you think "cuddling" is simply an unproductive application of heat exchange
11.you have owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.
12.you make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.
13.you have trouble writing anything unless the paper has horizontal and vertical lines.
14.your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
16.you think the value of a book is directly proportionate to the amount of tables, charts and graphs it contains.
.... you couldn't read 16, because there was no 15.

I have a few to help lighten the mood:

1. Bifocals are Gods way of saying, Keep your chin up. - Matt Wohlfarth

2. I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West couldve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone. - Reddit

3. At what age do you think its appropriate to tell a highway its adopted? - Zach Galifianakis

I'm better with miscellaneous facts, though. Did you know that armadillos float in water?

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Plato:For the greater good.


Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a chicken which has the daring and courage to
boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom
among them has the strength to contend with such a
paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Douglas Adams:Forty-two.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a
fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while
believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at
this historical juncture, and therefore
synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.


Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came
into being which caused the actualization of this
potential occurrence.


Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.


Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt
such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

* from:http://philosophy.eserver.org/chicken.txt

Jewells, mind if I dust your hard drive for #15? It's gotta be on there somewhere.

Alice, of course armadillos can float. That is why Texans call them, "Possums on the half shell."

Silver, Why did the Libertarian chicken cross the road? None of your business.

Add-on: An optimist sees the glass as half-full. A pessimist sees the glass as half-empty. An opportunist sees a drink and quenches their thirst while the optimist and pessimist are busy arguing.

Thanks guys. I need the spiritual lift.