Hi Ingi. Welcome to the forum. Sounds like you need someplace to vent some of that steam before it blows up in your face again. At least. . . It has helped me to find places to vent my marital tensions before I let them blow up in my living space. Hope it helps you, too, but. . .

That is a future possibility. . . Too late for this go-round. For now. . . Hope healing happens here.

Welcome to the forum. Hope you find healing companionship here.

Families are so complicated and ptsd makes it even harder. Welcome and feel free to share.

I know its a silly question, but have yous tried a councillor together? If yous are fighting in front of your son,he's probably the one hurting the most.I'd ask your husband if he would at least consider this option.

First, a big welcome. Secondly, I agree with Arfie....Can you talk to your husband once everything has calmed down and let him know what it does to the children when you fight and to take it outside? Maybe he is not aware of the consequences! Hugs

You know talking to husbands is one thing but getting them to do it is another. I know i feel so bad for my son because we both ger v aggressive and i dont want him to experience this. Men dont like to admit they are wrong amd im someone who will argue with u if im right . I tell my husband he is dysfuntional ...i want hum to see his faults because how xan u change if u dont admit that. And i am v stubborn that he must see where he is wrong...councelling is a waste of time because he doesnt want to change but will give the impression he will. I have to spell it out that he is a fault .

The problem is my son... I feel my husband irritates me and i really need to tell him why because he doesnt want to deal with the problem so that makes me more stubborn.

And if you lost the fight to be right, how would that look?

If your husbands upbringing was vastly different than yours, his opinion for him is what he considers right(mostly since it worked in the way he learned it). And yours for you is just as right, so the same reason, it worked in the way you learned it. But together there may be points where " We agree to just disagree" and make compromises for the best for your son.
It takes both of you to make this work. and rarely would we find a clone of ourselves interesting as a partner.
Hugs and support.
J.

"Good loving takes time to learn." ~Pete Seegar

After 36 years of parenting and matrimony, I still need to remind myself to be patient with the process. Double so for the now middle-aged sons and their significant others who were scarred by parental domestic drama, both individual and combined. It remains a now multi-generational study on how to be hurt without giving up on love.

I don't get to change other people. Not even my husband or the middle-aged sons who are putting on similar shows for their children. When the domestic drama starts escalating around me, I work on my own piece of the family cycle.

But that is me. . .

Hugs and support while you sort your own, Ingi.

Welcome to DS. Bp group, I hope you are feeling better now than you felt when first posting and that your home is a bit more peaceful. Walking on egg shells is no fun, fighting is no fun, nor is trying to wear all the hats in the house. Volatile situations,by word or action, seem to take a life on of there own. Finding peace and a middle ground being a goal may help to ease the tension in your home. For my son and I, so much anger, he had to leave a year ago. Like you wrote , your hubby knows, but to get him to do is another story. Trying to force a change in someone who doesn't want to change is futile, and will end hurting you. The only person that can change is you, and how you approach any given situation, and how you decide to respond to any give situation. Like Arfie wrote, it is a process, learning acceptance is not easy, in the long run, learning acceptance of what 'you' can not change will bring you peace. Take care, ML

How old is your son? And what made the fight bad?

"And i am v stubborn that he must see where he is wrong...councelling is a waste of time because he doesnt want to change but will give the impression he will. I have to spell it out that he is a fault"
~ ingi

Hello ingi, you might just want to read up on NPD at a website called Web of Narcissism. The way you describe your feelings the energy and your H's dysfunction I think it would help if you got info on personality disorder. There used to be a group here but that the information you need to access is else where. The web site I suggest has tons of info so you can understand further what you need to do to help you and your son given H has not the ability to change. Looks like a reply above by miro states something about what can not change. One of the issues with personality disorder is that there is no change and defenses are hardened. That is a main difference from some one who is actually able to learn and self reflect and those people who are locked into seeing anything that does not mirror their illusion back as being stuck. Hope this helps. Peace

what I meant was that if the grand illusion must not be challenged or threatened and this is a fixed position.

Thanks for the encouragement. Yes my home has been peaceful and Ive managed to google NPD disorder. I am scared to open up to people for afraid of being hurt. Thats why im on his support system to get support to help the family.