CC, I am afraid I mis wrote. When I wrote "self abuse/self medicating" it was a mistake of sorts. Tdoc says when I binge eat it is self abuse I say it is my way of self medicating. I also consider my self injury ( which amounts to slapping my legs with a leather strap) to be a way of self medicating. I am so sorry. I knew what i meant and didn't stop to think that others would not understand.

I really like your idea of a safe box. I get in these self loathing episodes and it would be to have something to remind me of the positives when I can only see the bad.

I did put a call into my Pdoc about the meds I am on. If I feel the absolute need my tdoc will always call me back if i call his emergency line. I'm not really comfortable talking on the phone so I don't call too often.

I am sooo sorry I wrote the self medicate the way I did. I never gave it a thought.

Deli - there actually is a physical test. It's a blood test. If you have a mutation in the MTHFR gene, you are predisposed to anxiety, depression, bipolar and/or schizophrenia. If you have the mutation, you likely are not getting the folate and B12 you need - vitamins absolutely essential to good mental health. Those levels can be checked as well and even if in the "normal" range, it doesn't mean they're optimal.

I'm reading "Anatomy of an Epidemic" which is all about pharmaceuticals being used to treat mental illness. The author makes a good point - if they work, why are we seeing an explosion of mental illness? And why, where pharmaceuticals are not available, do they actually have LESS mental illness?

One of the things the author explores is that often people will go to the doctor when they feel depressed. The doctor puts them on anti-depressants which they may or may not need.

One of the side effects of anti-depressants is mania. So the patient goes back to the doctor and says they're having mood swings or mania. So then they're given the diagnosis of bi-polar and, instead of being taken off the anti-depressant, they're switched to another medication.

It's an interesting book.

Muji, Yes i am in therapy and I really think that is a huge part of this. Weekends are worse because that is when I get in my head and process. Now that i realize that is what is happening i am going to try to not fight it and maybe it will be a more productive process.

I finally put a couple of pieces of the puzzle together and realized that when I look at my therapist I see my childhood abusers. Both of which I loved. I was also hurt, betrayed, scared, ashamed, humiliated by them. For some reason I struggle to find the hate and anger. I know it is there just buried. So...I love my tdoc but I am afraid of him.

@ reed:
"And why, where pharmaceuticals are not available, do they actually have LESS mental illness? "
They also have less social isolation.
Human beings evolved as a tribal species. Abandonment by the tribe usually meant death. Survival required group effort.
SO....
I suspect part of the reason so many people get depressed in Western cultures is the isolating nature of the society we've created.
Our brains don't handle it well.
We've domesticated ourselves, yeah, but on a really basic level most of us are *very* wired for living in groups. We're collectively making ourselves ill, basically.

Why do I think that?
Here comes the SCIENCE! :D
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/10/091028090659.htm