Lilly...I used to collect giraffes :)
I do have a week off in about 3 weeks the thing is tho, vacations are like extended weekends for me. I need the break from work but then I end up spending it with my demons.

My pdoc knows about the moods. He has increased my meds. He feels that a lot of the remaining depression is situational and I can't argue with that. I used to have lots of times when I couldn't pinpoint why I was depressed or hurting but now I can.

The other thing is this (TW for people shy about lady issues) My hormones are out of control. I think I am done then BOOM! here it is again. I don't want to go to GYN because A) I don't have one and B) They point out the obvious regarding my weight and it is tiresome at best , depressing at worst.

Did something trigger this?

...it's odd, because I'm not bipolar...there are no highs. But my mood can go from slightly melancholic to get-affairs-in-order, and FAST. Like scary fast. Often it's triggered by something external.

"I am seeing my childhood differently, my relationships differently." The truth will set you free but first it'll totally fuck your head up?

It will get better. It will.

Are there any exercise classes you can take on a Saturday? I think a lot of yoga studios have Saturday classes. I urge you to drag your butt to one, and there empretzellate yourself.

I think it will help get your head in order a little.
I also note, as someone interested in being a very spry old fart? Yoga improves flexibility, strength, and *balance*. What kills elderly people? Falls. Injuries from falls. It's a major cause of death in senior folks.

If not yoga, do something that involves others and physical activity kind of late morning/early afternoon on Saturday.
That way you kind of get forced to get out (of your head) and active a bit. I really think this will help, why I suggest it.
...Of course, you still have to sleep in. That's really important too.

Hylie, yes there was a trigger. After some help from a friend and chasing my tail for a few hours I think I have made some progress and gained some insight.

I agree I do need to keep busy on weekends but I am also thinking that all the can of worms that gets opened in a therapy session is just left hanging around til the next session and as soon as I don't have work to keep me busy I start processing. Only true to form, I fight the process and flip a $hit so to speak.

gentle hugs.....

this popped into my mind... are you diagnosed properly? having lived under incorrect diagnosis for many years i dealt with meds that were making things worse and improper therapy. PTSD can be the main root, yet secondary conditions/complications can be overlooked or misdiagnosed. i.e. i was labeled with borderline personality when in fact i have schizophrenia. the first is treated with therapy, the second is medical requiring balanced meds.

when it comes to the lady issues i feel ya. many psychs completely forget to take those into account. and the weight thing i get that too. how you gonna want to loose it when you're treated like a criminal for our own bodies natural happenings?

if any of this helps use at your own leisure. if not chuck it.

gentle hugs. -Linden

One small objection: I don't think reference to the hormonal fluctuations that are among the blessings bestowed upon us females by an obviously male god require a trigger warning! It's not unmentionable!

(I was joking about the god part, okay? There are advantages and disadvantages to being either gender, I'm sure).

Thank you Linden,

My pdoc diagnosed me with bipolar 2 though I have never felt comfortable with that diagnosis. I always felt the extreme mood swings were hormonally related. He also diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder.

My tdoc says Dysthymia and anxiety. PTSD was diagnosed about 3 or 4 years ago by someone else.

I have heard that there is only a 60/40 chance of getting the correct diagnosis.

bleh

Donna...very true. I'm sure men have hormonal troubles too. At least that is what I read in my spam folder.

I do think my moods are made much worse by them and I sooooo miss the up days I could depend on happening on a regular basis. It is weird talking to 2 male docs about it though. My tdoc sorta gets it though.

GEntle hugs.
Hormones do affect moods---my family trend for PMS is "chocolate, crying, and suddenly this one day where I have all this energy before I curl up cramping for three days cursing all men except Hershey." (And Hubby, who gives me chocolate.)

And bipolar, PTSD and others can sort of overlap and commingle and it's sooo hard for some to screen for it.

As for feeling like all this re-assessing leaves you with no-way-up? I'm so there. Every day.So gentle pruring hugs aod healing,
Leo

I have carried a bi-polar dx since before PTSD was an official diagnosis. It was "Manic Depression" back then. It has been suggested that the bi-polar was a misdiagnosis and should be corrected on my chart. I don't see the point to worrying about the label(s). At the very least, PTSD is a bi-polar experience, swinging us from one extreme to the other with disgusting ease.

One of the extremity sets I have noted in my own madness is, "anger to self-loathing." Thoughts of death often accompany my self-loathing phase. Not so much straight up suicidal ideation as death wishes. I am far more likely to starve myself, smoke too much, isolate, etc., during these periods.

Gentle support while you figure out what it is in your unique case, Cecil.

P.S. Hormone imbalances run in my husband's all-male family. They are no laughing matter.

Arfie, thank you for your kind words and please accept my apologies for my flippant remark about male hormones. I am sure it is not only very difficult to manage medically and probably difficult for men to talk about.

Total respect, Cecil. I did a re-read and didn't see flippant remarks from anybody about the male hormones. I threw in the experience of my man clan for ... not exactly sure why. Maybe just to point out that hormone imbalances are no fun for any faction of the human species.

Your instincts that they are causing some of your problems could be dead on. My youngest son's endocrinologist thinks his "paranoid schizophrenia" is a misdiagnosis of his hormone condition. Don't ask me the name of his condition. Names are not my strong suit.

If only there were physical tests to dx mental/emotional disorders. With us, we are only as good as our psychs/therapists.

I was almost dxed as a borderline; CPTSD seemed to be more in line, though.

Dang DSM- check the wrong boxes on an off day, and we're screwed.

Thoughts of harming yourself is a serious even if it is just a thought you have not acted upon. You need to be seeing a therapist, confirming your meds are acting correctly and work on an action plan to help pull you of this when you are having bad thoughts.

It is really important you do something with these thoughts of killing yourself now. It is a proven fact that people who are self medicating are far more likely to act upon those thoughts when they are in a medicated state. Don't be afraid to go to the hospital either. I just spent a month there and they have hooked me up with some amazing therapists, programs, and doctors. They changed my meds and I am doing much better.

One thing you can do right now is create a safe box. Get a box, decorate it, and in it put items that make you happy. Pictures, cut grass, flowers, material, a stone, grounding type items, paints, pen and paper, etc. Anything as long as it makes you happy. When you are having a bad day, pull out the box and start going over all the things that make you happy.

Please do not delay in getting help

Cecil,

A lot of your original post sounded familiar and resonated with my own days in the past of hard core depression. Then what you said at the end resonated in an even more familiar manner:

"I feel really lost right now. I feel really scared. I don't understand what has happened to my life, to me.

I am seeing things differently now. I am seeing my childhood differently, my relationships differently. I don't know which way is up."

I myself could have written that in the past, and not just due to regular hard depression. When I got deeply into my therapy work a lot of my assumptions were suspended. I was really like an acrobat in the circus in that space between one trapeze flying toward another with no net underneath me.

It turned out that I got to higher ground, a more solid place. But I had to walk that road from A to B, and it meant leaving my safe place where I got abused to cross the wilderness to a better safe place where I was abused no more. My therapist had to coax me across that lost zone, but I had to walk it myself. So I had many days like you describe.

Are you in therapy going through this kind of work questioning past assumptions? If not, forgive me for assuming so, ok? It's just that it really, strongly reminded me of that period in my therapy. It was tough even though I'm glad I went through it. I may have to do it again to learn more and go through it again, too.

Hope you're feeling supported and getting better, Cecil.