It sounds like a lot of guilt to carry, and a lot of frustration since you were ready for the party with the gift, the dish, everything. I'm going to Chicago on the train tomorrow. I go there every break from work to see friends instead of my PTSD family. It's good for me, but I am tempted to cancel every time I have my bags packed.

I just don't feel like I can do it, be around those people on the train, in the station, the whole bit. I am entitled to cancel any time and my friends would understand, but I've found I'm ok once I get on the train. There's something about anticipation of being around people that's even worse than actually being around them.

I hope this passes for you, and if you didn't go to the party, that your friend understood as you say she knows how to. You're not alone with this.

Cecil, I know, I truly do. Went into counseling ot calm the storm and instead a whole series of tsunamies hit me. (Sp?) You're not alone---I will be ready ready ready.... and then think I'm this awful worthless slug underfoot b/c I balk. But we know our limits, and if you're going to damage yourself more by going than staying home, then your friend will understand:-) Being around a lot of people and noise etc. can be so hard for so many of us, for so many without PTSD even.

You are not a fook up. You had every intention of going, and that itself is HUGE, okay?

TV can set me off too. Movies. Tho' I don't bother with seeking out what is up with my assailant. My two main abusers died. That's enough for me. But I can understand the urge... believe me, if I didn't already know what happened? I'd be googling.

Take some deep breaths, have quiet talk with your friend, and I bet she'll understand:-) We sure do.

Hugs and hugs,
Leo

I am sorry Cecil, you may borrow any of my masks that fit, it it helps to attend the celebration.

All too soon those that we love can disappear. I know this well as I'm trying to find a way north to honor my cousin. I just found out that today will be rosary.

Grab our warm thoughts, your gift and dish, make your way, these days are never promised.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. That guilt, it isn't necessary and you dont deserve to feel that way. You wouldn't feel guilty if it came to today and you stayed home with the flu, would you? Or at least, you wouldnt be so hard on yourself. It is an illness all the same, and some days are worse than others.

Especially if your friend is an understanding person, you neednt worry about being judged.

Why not invite her over sometime in the next few days and you can eat your dish together and you can give her your gift, and just hang out the two of you?

I really feel for you having these especially bad days. Try to be kind to yourself. You deserve kindness.

I have had friends thank me for giving my own needs precedent in situations like this. It gave them the courage to follow my example. You said your friend understands because she suffers similar wise. I cannot know, but I am wondering....

And for all the negative self talk... I am willing to bet you already know where that is coming from. Deep breaths. You know what to do. You can. You are good. You are strong.

Thank you for trusting us enough to share the load.

.....Cec, I know that feeling yet it was many years ago. I (sober)d up.

Now if I travel via bus; the anticipation is worse than riding on it. Add spinning and vertigo.....!! I always am fine when I'm going on a ride.

Hug yourself, Love n honor yourself above all believe you are a great friend and a great person. You are 'lovable' hugable and 'pleasant'...... (((Smiles))) sending you love, as I'm (out of masks now to wear(gone.)

Thanks, everyone, for the words of support. I did not make it to the party but I have great friends and they understood. It is nice that I don't have to come up with a lame excuse to tell them. They are the kind of friends I can be honest with.

I always have jitters before going out but some days it is more than the usual jitters. Today was bad. I can go from happy to devastated in a matter of hours. It has been better the past couple of weeks. The depression had lifted but I was hit with it big time yesterday evening. I was trying to watch movies and kept getting triggered. Something reminded me of a situation I hadn't thought about in years. That situation led to me checking up on him on the Pennsylvania Sex offenders Website...just all started to go to hell from there.

I started feeling hopeless and out of control. Hating myself. Being out of control of my diet which is effecting my health. The theory is that I gain weight so I will be safe and unattractive. I guess it is mostly true. If I am not comfortable with myself i won't "act out" and by act out I mean stuff i probably shouldn't go inot here ( does not involve animals or children). Anyway...I may be safe but I feel terrible both physically and emotionally. i can't look at myself without feeling disgust. I can't leave the house without making sure i am as covered as possible. I keep my hood up and my head down. I feel so stuck. I know i stuff my feelings but can't stop. I am eating myself to death and can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I begin to think maybe a quicker end would be better.

Cecil,
Say it with me.
I AM WORTHY.
I, Cecil, am WORTHY. I have WORTH. As I am. As I will be. As I can be.

You are not disgusting. You are trying to cope. It's not easy. You just want to feel safe. That's all anyone really wants. ANd I'm needing to feel it but not feeling it and I want to hide or do *something* but I don't nkow what....

Your friends are good to you. They understand. That says so much about YOU---that you make and keep some great friends---it says so much about how much you give to the world.

GEntlest purring hugs,
Leo

wow! That 's a lot of negative self-talk. And I understand your logic, but,, there are other ways to make yourself unattractive besides getting fat. I'm very sorry that all the negative thoughts spoiled your ability to go and have a good time with your friends.

xa1nbowxR.... How do you do it?

Oh dear Cecil, ...it sounds like your describing all of your loving DS friends, also? I thank God everyday for DS people who understand or try their best!! (to be able to understand.) .....we don't judge/or no discriminate others. I have some friends (off line)- are caring; ; less judgemental. Its sounding to me like you are suffering in (so many!) different ways that's why its hit you this hard. .....baby baby steps.... .....Breathe in .... slowly. ......breathe in again... blow frustration out. Trust me I need to learn how to do this better too Sweetie. okay......

again breathe ~~~ breathe. relax.. even if you don't want to - lay on down maybe you'll fall asleep. Maybe not. I understand I totally 'get it' -food. I'll get into this conversation later with you. I hope you are sleeping. Just relax now. I'm going to bed now. Gnight Cec. ~LOVE

Yeah, have to be in the right state of mind to go out and perform special tasks, especially when groups of people are involved. Did not go to my son's graduation because I did not want to see my abuser (ex) there either.

All right, Cecil - -- - you say your 'taking a break before you do... something you will regret' .....what's up girl?? ...my mind is so wired can't sleep and I seen your status. ....1st question. are you SAFE?
.................................................................Do you feel safe?

...........................................................2nd question. You harming you? or do you have thoughts of harming yourself? Let us know we R here for you. You are a very dear kind hearted. I'm sensitive too, like you.

Cec, I really care about you. Please do not put yourself in harms way. I woke this a.m. with sciatic pain. I've been on DS all day. I'm just ....... letting ya know I do care about ya. I've been standing using computer since Sunday a.m. - until now its aroung 1:00 a.m. (Monday) now.

So I'm letting some here know about your feelings and what exactly is goin on. Cec - I was a wreck at a point last Summer. I'm letting friends know so some can watch over ya tonigth. (early a.m.) Monday) now.

Cecil, if you are in danger, call 911. ...................... Call 9 1 1
I know you had a couple bad days. Today especially.

People know what is going on, a little bit anyway.
We are a 'Support Group' and this is a safe haven for most part.
You can scream here. We do not mind. As long as your safe to.

I need sleep and get off my feet. I'm sending people to your rescue.