What a sucky and unprofessional response that is! The counselor needed to refer you on to someone better, not just dump you.

I have gone through really bad times like that. They pass.

...what's wrong with crying in public? Going off on people in public isn't so good, but crying is allowed.

Keep going, processing, Journaling, writing, feeling. It will pass.

Triple howl ouch!!! That doth suck and then some. It is a tough spot to be in. Horses are a good start. My love of animals has gotten me through more tough spots than I can count.

Keep venting Dracona. Your answers are in there. They will be easier to see after you vent the gaseous build-ups.

Gentle support while you figure it out. You are not alone.

Is this agoraphobia? . Kind of sounds like it is.But only a trained doctor could diagnose you .So sorry for all you've been thru. That's alot of horrible things to have witnessed. I don't believe anybody is beyond help. Perhaps you just need a more compassionate understanding therapist. If your therapist is telling you there is no hope for you then thats time to get a new therapist. Perhaps one who specializes in trauma. Wishing you healing

Hello. I often hope when I don't see some one for awhile thy have found a way that works or things have just calmed enough they can handle PTSD.

Welcome back Dracona.
It's a good thing you do by reaching out.

You listed things you do...how often? The horse back riding sounds great. My image of a quiet trail with the wind rustling the few leaves that must have been glued on the branches just to create the sound. There is a soft fog that fades out the details of the hills and the forest bed with in a short distance from the feet of your horse.

Visualize it?

Breath in the the air of the mind sight, you have been on these quiet trails enough to remember how the cool and air feels as you breath it in a absorb the surroundings. There is no hurry to go anywhere at least not faster than the horse wants to saunter through the treeline... Breathe in the wind and wood scented air through your nose, and let it out slowly, you have plenty of time to do this again. Takeanother deep breath smelling the bits of the fallen leaves and misty air.

Okay slow down.
What is different in just today? Anything? or has it built for maybe longer? You don't mention your boyfriend, are you alone in making all of this work for you and your daughter?

Take your time and share.

The hard part, and why it has gotten so bad as it is now.. is in 2013 my ex boyfriend tried to kill me, a friend was there and got in the way but sustained injuries. After a time we got together, then he almost dies from those injuries and suffers some kind of brain damage and wakes up a different person.

I graduated with my BA in psychology from the University of Washington.

I started a non-profit for horseback riding and training for vets, all the way up to the paralympics if they want to go. It wasn't completely off the ground yet. I have had my horse since I was 16 and we are remotely famous in the area cause she is 31 now and still races. we were published and featured in a magazine together. I would ride more but its stormy, and I barely have enough money to feed the horses. Actually, I don't. my animals and I are currently homeless and living off the grace of some good friends, which we all know is a limited resource.

Boyfriend who turned into a nutcase after hospital, pulls the rug out from under me and sabotages the whole operation I was starting. Threatening friends and now they are scared.

I'm homeless, again, with my 6 year old daughter... after fighting through school, and work, and starting an operation to help people with ptsd... now look at me..

I flipped out in a restaurant on my birthday, they tried to put that mexican hat on me... too many people I didnt know too close... I hit the hat away and ran... while everyone just looked at me like i was disgusting or on drugs... My family was there and it triggered me... cause i was homeless and my mom didn't want to hear about it, just told me to have a good day and gave me 20 dollars to shut me up about not having enough gas to get my kid to school. I feel so lost and alone... i feel so crippled right now...

I don't have any family, or resources. I have used them all at this point... im just waiting for the next awful thing to happen... im so scared my daughter will be taken from me... My ex threatens me with it...
hell even my doctor has threatened me with taking my daughter, cause well ptsd can be volitile so as a single mom how can they be sure I can care for her? that is what they say so i quit going to VA doctors. I have been trying to get help for anxiety for a long time now... they give me effexor. they wont give me xanax or anything to stop the immediate attacks. I had never ever wanted meds... now i'll take anything to stop this...

I really appreciate everyone here. as sad as it is... i don't have anyone else to talk to anymore...

Wish I had more to offer than just supportive vibes, but those I offer freely

I'm so sorry, Dracona.

I'd say it's nice to see you again, but ... considering the circumstances ... not so much.

I pray that all of your tomorrows are better than ANY of your yesterdays.

I pray that for all of us.

And I don't even pray ;-)

Things have changed a lot in a relatively short time. You have a lot going on.
I think the first is your basic needs, housing ad security for you and your child. Don't worry about ex and if he is not current on support of child, file the papers for back pay and payroll deduction. Any assistance request by the DHS will probably require it anyway..
Your latest councilor may have reached her "peak" where you are concerned, ask for a more experienced councilor in your area of need.

You have skills, both academic and experience. Check outlying areas for other non-profits doing the same as you planned and apply there as an instructor, with your total experience in the resume.
We have some in our area that work with horses and special needs.
Do a quick search and send resumes via email. Get some choices. You may also ask if they are willing to franchise with your start, easy to transfer under one non-profit, to another of the same goals. That may provide for your position to be paid and paperwork reduction for you.

Think on this, I am on and off, for my own finals.
Hugs, you are heard and we care.
Jewell.

Non-profit I created is completely one of a kind new entity. There isn't another one like it in the entire U.S. there are therapy places and horse places sure, but not one with a program like this that allows ptsd veterans to rescue their own horse from a feedlot (we pay for it), rehab it, and either rehome or compete on it as far as they wish to go.

I'm trying to get a job, i'm trying to keep going, but the anxiety in my chest feels like a claymore just went off near me. Its completely crippling...

Today it is anger and hurt and anxiety... He keeps slandering me to all of my friends, he is isolating me further. now all of my friends think I cheated on him, and hurt his son. I would NEVER. I LOVE MY STEP SON. i taught him to read...

This guy... threatened to have my friends raped and murdered, paid to have someone hack my account.

I am so lost now... I am totally experiencing stockholm syndrome and cognitive dissonance, among severe anxiety and PTSD.
I know what is going on, I know what I am feeling, but I can't fix it cause nothing helps.

I have never in my life been attracted to drugs, and im not going to start, but I can see why someone would end up a heroin or crack addict.

There really are limited options. it really is just a wait game. there isn't some special number to call that will help.

Today I am angry, and super triggered. I can't believe the things people I thought were friends are saying about me. I can't believe how many people are turning on me because of his lies. because he took me down this far then points a finger like look she can't take care of herself, she is broke, and all cause she was talking to her friend when i told her not to... I wasn't even talking sex. yet he has sex profiles still up from years ago.

I can't stop thinking about this... im so hurt...
fuck

We have a program her that uses horses to treat veterans and children with PTSD. So though not exactly the same because yours sounds like a step above thiers with ownership, not just therapy..If you haven't already one of the more established groups might offer you help with grant writing to get administrative funding and expenditures.
You have a great idea that I think would be a good investment for "Wounded Warriors"
Letting him go may hurt until you get your own shoes on again, but we are here to support you.

Don't feel bad for only having "US"
I can tell you when I found DS that it saved me, helped by letting me know I am not alone. I lost most of my friends to death and my husband, so there was no one else to turn to.
Slowly I have gotten stronger. There is still a ways to go yet but I am learning things are not all or nothing.
Then there are people like you that take a leap like this project that inspire me.

Hugs and get some rest, we will be here for you.
J.

I am another case like Jewells. When I got to DS PTSD, this was it for me. I got here by a different route. Let's just summarize and say repeated trauma in 3 categories: domestic violence growing up, two sexual assaults as a child, and 6 years of combat trauma (as in being in a car bombing).

Year by year I would find this therapist or that therapist who dealt with this part of my trauma or that part. I went through two divorces and just repeated painful patterns helplessly. But no therapist could help me with the whole picture until 12 years into weekly therapy I met a PTSD specialist almost by accident. He could handle all 3 categories. It was a turning point in my life. Not instant healing, no way, but it gave me a reason to live, to hope for the long term.

Things went wonderfully for me for 3 years and then another pitfall. I had been on PTSD meds for 25 years. But suddenly they and the onset of diabetes caused 60% kidney damage in just a matter of months, even though I and my doctors thought we were on top of it. Even though I worked at a hospital myself at the time. I collapsed, lost my hospital job, was abandoned by my fiancee who claimed I was lazy, and nearly wound up on the street.

Because of kidney failure I had to be taken off of all meds for the first time in 25 years right in the middle of this mess. I had no idea whether I would just fall into a suicidal hole of depression or not. I came here as a last resort, bargaining with God that I'd come here every day just like I took my PTSD meds every day.

Like Jewells, DS PTSD saved me by letting me know I wasn't alone. I've been here for 4 years now, keeping my bargain with God not to miss a day if only the lack of PTSD meds wouldn't render me suicidal. It hasn't. "Daily Strength" has turned out not to be a cliche' for me.

I'm never going to be "normal," but I'm gaining confidence in myself that I'm not going to be a suicide, either. I have never attempted, mind you. It's just a fear I have of dark depression, PTDS panic attacks, flashbacks, and dissociation. I have flashbacks and dissociation to deal with every day, but thankfully I haven't fallen into that dark depression I know too well, and I haven't been crippled with panic attacks that once cost me a job.

I've been able to work a lesser but new job for 4 years now, and I'm very grateful for that. It's put me in a position of helping some people sometimes, and for me that helps me, too. It builds that confidence. That confidence only comes from the sense I get that we're not alone here. That just means everything to me.

So I'm with Jewells. This place can save people like us by ending our isolation. People who say they know how you feel here really have the authority to say that and really mean it. We're here for you, too.

I have to agree with you M and Jewells. This site has been my saving grace so much, at least being able to put out what I am feeling and know others understand. You can't talk about it in the regular world, people just look at you like you are nuts. or the embarassement of when you do trigger, and then re trigger because you feel so bad about having publicly triggered... just unless you have it, no one understands.

By degree path, I am a PTSD specialist. I studied psychology, especially ptsd and its neurology, with an emphasis on animal behavior and the bond that ensues between humans and animals and the effect it has. Horses are very effective for PTSD because they demand that you trust them, and that you show them they can trust you. when sitting on a horse, you cannot be out of your body or disassociate. you are there, on top of a "friend" you learn to trust, in the present moment. I have had plans to start this non-profit since i was just a child and have spent my life planning it. I am also into grant writing. My non-profit is not allowed to be deemed a "therapy" ranch. though the results are entirely designed to be therapeutic. I get tired of the therapy word. The only reason I am alive today is because of my horses. My program is not all about owning horses, its about truly interacting with them and building a partnership. Sometimes teams will be assigned to a single horse and they will have to work together with that horse. Its a fully interactive program that will encompass all avenues of horsemanship from care to competitive riding, to fun and games, to mountain camping and hunting.

The last counselor who kicked my ex and I out saying there was no help for us, was a PTSD specialist. The VA has "ptsd specialists" who have also told me they can't help me. Medications don't work much unless they are the heavy tranquilizing doses and even then. and they wont even try to give me benzos cause they don't want to mask my panic attacks? they want me to deal with them. ha. Anesthesia doesn't even knock me out correctly. I know or have tried most of the counseling avenues. So.. i'm at a loss. and it really sucks when seeing a new counselor and you find that you have less education but know more about the neurological and physiological aspects of PTSD.

I hate pills. but what I need right now is xanax or something to get me through this til i can get myself stable again. cause the effexor isn't strong enough.

I just feel like I am losing everything I worked so hard for. I am disgusted with myself. and it makes it harder that i know exactly what is going on in my head and powerless to stop it.

My program isn't fully running yet, but there are a few good ones out there. I want to go to montana next year and ride with the horses for heroes program... they take severe PTSD vets and take them to the mountains to live and survive with the horses for a couple weeks.