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I don't really do this as much anymore, but I wanted to talk about it.
Somewhere along the line with my ex wife and with my current girlfriend, I went through many strong urges to get the hell away.
Why?
I know now. I don't feel love for people without feeling fear. This makes sense. I loved my parents. My dad destroyed me, my mom helped unknowingly in that destruction.
My GF had to put up with me freaking out regularly at first. I love her and it scared the crap out of me.
Now that I'm actually conscious of that fear, I can push into it gently, the way I do with agoraphobia. Pushing into it allows me to get past it.
Figuring out the fear has allowed me to get close to the sane members of my family (obvious that I don't want contact with the toxic ones). This has been...really good.
I'm really grateful to have nontoxic family, not everyone has that.
Somewhere along the line with my ex wife and with my current girlfriend, I went through many strong urges to get the hell away.
Why?
I know now. I don't feel love for people without feeling fear. This makes sense. I loved my parents. My dad destroyed me, my mom helped unknowingly in that destruction.
My GF had to put up with me freaking out regularly at first. I love her and it scared the crap out of me.
Now that I'm actually conscious of that fear, I can push into it gently, the way I do with agoraphobia. Pushing into it allows me to get past it.
Figuring out the fear has allowed me to get close to the sane members of my family (obvious that I don't want contact with the toxic ones). This has been...really good.
I'm really grateful to have nontoxic family, not everyone has that.
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
It's wonderful that you have such great insight and have used it well... Big hug for you...x
I still have that constant urge to reject before I can be rejected, but with awareness, I can set the urge aside and take the risk. Sometimes the risk causes pain when I am rejected anyway, but the ability to love is worth the price.
... and now I am back there again. This time fear of pain and or pain killers dulling my reactions is what is keeping me from behind the wheel... I don't know if I can get over that one. I can't put other people in danger just so I can drive...
hugs you are doing great and inspiring me to improve
yadlim and critters
Thanks not only for identifying it so well, but for talking about how it can be faced. The analogy with agoraphobia really worked for me in a positive way.
About toxic family, I spent 10 years in therapy and visits with all nuclear and extended family on both sides of my family tree and didn't find any. That consistency was hard to accept at first, but it was so. I do have nontoxic friends going back 40 years, though, and they're my family now. Yeah, glad you have non-toxic family.
Glad you can see what's going on and cope with it. :-) Awareness is awesome. Go you!
I get that fear regularly and I want to run away all the time. But that was the only choice I had in the past because the criminals that do all that to you really do not leave a choice. That is all I know, how to get away.
big step! right on!!