I have been there, done that and the lack of concentration and anxiety and lack of motivation and such are all symptoms of depression. Depression is really hard to relieve without having professional help and sometimes meds. If your depression is mild, which it doesn't sound like, St. John's Wort Can help. Anger is actually a good sign as depression turned inward is really anger. You've got to find a way to get the anger out. Some folks can pound pillows, shred newspaper, that sort of thing. I have always repressed my anger, and none of that let me get past the fear I had of being angry. I've thrown clay at walls too. You can get some cheap glassware from a thrift shop and put it in a pillowcase or something and then smash it to pieces. I've fantasized about that many times. For me, exercise was the thing that helped the most.

I realize it is very very hard to be motivated to exercise when you are depressed, but if you can force yourself to do something, it could help. If you have a dog, make yourself take the dog out for a long walk. I love to ride my bicycle, although I am not well enough physically able to do so now. Running used to help although I ran at the slowest pace ever and maybe it was a combination of race walking and running. Not really running like some people do. Exercising is a whole lot easier if you have someone to do it with. Or a class to go to. I do better going to classes as I have more of a commitment to the class than to motivating myself to just go do something. Find something that helps you to let stuff out in a safe way. if you play tennis at all, just pound a ball against a wall over and over again. I found that helpful to do as well, though I was not good at it at all. Good luck.

In the meantime, you can go down to wherever they give food stamps and Medicaid and stuff like that. You could apply for SSI, or if you have a doctor that thinks your depression makes you unable to work, you can apply for social security disability. They look at what you made the last five years of employment in determining your benefits. With them the sooner you apply the better, as they pay from the date the application is submitted. Sometimes you have to appeal, I did and got a lawyer to do it. The lawyer gets paid if you get disability from Social Security, so no money you have to pay out. If you can't afford therapy now, but can get Medicaid, there are therapists who will take that. My therapist does and does not charge me a co-pay. Good luck.

That on the top of the list of the Most Psychologically Shocking experiences. It's okay to feel that way. You have to. It's part of the process. Find your ways to get back after the shock and grieving pass, but you have to go through it. I'm sorry you're having to live through this. I'm sending good thoughts your way. You'll make it. Keep writing. Keep talking. You'll get up again. Hug.

Sadly, all of that sounds way too familiar.

Just know you're not alone ... and maybe that'll help.

I wish you peace, health, and strength.

Even if ya hate the job, getting fired is still a gnarly rejection. That will bring out the rebellious teenager in anybody.

Healing happens, Jim.

May it happen to you.

What happened to you when you were little is absolutely horrific. IT's good that you're very careful with the Xanax. I had an addiction to xanax for only 5 weeks, (with alcohol) and it ripped me to pieces. Withdrawals were shocking. Take care with it, and take care of yourself. I'm sorry too that you got fired - I got fired from a job in 2009, it was a hard job, and I kept having days off for anxiety and distress. So they sacked me. Oh, and I HATE being told what to do too!