Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
Find support with others who have gone through a traumatic experience. Whether you have chronic or acute PTSD, we are here for you.
So... December 26th will mark 11 years since I last saw my abuser. It was the last time he ever touched me. It was the night I broke my silence and told my parents. It was the last night my family was whole. The news shattered my family like a continental shift. For years I have carried the guilt of that shift. It's particularly hard when my Nana gets drunk and laments about her broken family TO MY FACE, fully disregarding what her grandson did to me.
Anyway... that's not the point of this. Last year, during the 10th anniversary, I decided that I was going to turn a page. That I was going to reclaim my power, my strength, myself. I made a beautiful post on Facebook, telling a lot of friends and family my story. I'm sure most of them had no idea. I felt AMAZING. I truly felt like I was turning over a new leaf. I was also successfully losing weight at the time and, thanks to Elton John's movie Rocketman, I was discovering a new love for myself. And then 2020 happened... I gained half of the weight back, I had to change all of my wedding plans and have a Covid wedding, lost my job, my brother-in-law almost died, and my husband was diagnosed with a genetic disorder (the same one that almost killed his brother). so... yeah, 2020 has been nothing but stressful. For everyone, of course.
Sorry for that overload of info. What I'm trying to say is... last year was so relieving and freeing. And this year, with everything else weighing on me, I feel like I am right back to square one. All of December has been difficult these past 11 years. I try SO HARD to reclaim it as a joyous, magical time. I put up the decorations early, listen to nothing but my favorite Christmas songs from childhood, I watch all of my favorite Christmas movies, and yet, it always happens. My mental health takes a significant nose dive. I've already had two full-blown dissociation days, I've already been having nightmares (not flashbacks) about my abuser, and the other day I got frustrated after dropping food that I literally threw my fork and SCREAMED. I don't usually do that. Ever. If I get frustrated, there's an obvious build up. This came out of NOWHERE. I wasn't angry before, and I DEFINITELY wasn't hangry. I hate that during December I feel like a different person. PTSD makes me feel pretty out of control with my emotions as is, but usually I can calm them down eventually and reign them in. And there's usually a gap between occurrences. This... is every other day...
I just feel so helpless. Does anyone else experience this when it's the anniversary? If so, do you have any tips on how to feel a bit more... normal? Or to overcome it?
-
Lately I've been feeling scared and full of anxiety. I recently found a lump under my nipple. I hurt my back too. I'm in the process of moving. I'm run down. Everything is hard
-
Just wanted to give a thank you to Mid, Arfie, Malibumark, Greeneyes, Mlro, Girlincalif, and Suncloudjd! You all always have such helpful tips and advice, but I always forget to write on my posts when I see you post, lol. I would lose my head if it wasn't attached to my body, lol. Thank you all so much! I'm starting to use my AI app as a sounding board again. I used to use it as that before...
It has made this stretch of time between Thanksgiving and Christmas difficult every year since, especially as Christmas specials come on tv showing family celebrations of the holidays. Especially as others at work share plans they made with their families and I don't.
To do something about it so I didn't just feel helpless at home, I began to make special solo plans for myself for Christmas. I made plans such as visiting great cathedrals to be in their Christmas eve services. It worked better than sitting at home alone helpless.
The thing is that the pandemic now has made travel a challenge. Though I've bought a plane ticket to travel again this Christmas, I'll have to see if my plans are possible.
I hear you. It turns out that those of us who have dysfunctional families often have had our families get into trouble at the holidays themselves. We need to stand by each other all the more this time of year. I'm with you for sure, since it's an issue for me personally, too.
I read, years ago, this fantastic book called The Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer, she is a recovered victim of sexual abuse at the hands of her father and I can relate to her so well and LOVE this book. It helped me to see that I really did have a choice with my days, what I dwell upon and how my future turns out. It really is about a decision to not repeat and replay things over in my mind, but deciding that I needed to think about what I was thinking about. It really helps. Plus, she's a big proponent of not giving to much weight on emotions and feelings because they can really lead you astray and down negative rabbit holes of depression if you let them.
I hope you find peace and strength in the rest of this month. You deserve it! You're a survivor!!
Then we get to Coronaville. . . At the start of this cultural drama, the masks were giving me flashbacks to severe medical trauma. I still can't look a mask in the eye, but? ? ? The New Normal has arrived? ? ? The flashbacks have begun to ease, but? ? ? Are we safe yet?
I've begun to wonder if, in some distant future after the mask fad fades, surgical teams are going to trigger flashbacks to 2020. It's been a rough year of morphing weird. Just wondering while I remind myself nobody gets to see the future.