I'm angry that I hardly have time to express myself. It’s just life. Mommy of littles, working full time, living with my parents. Not only is me time hard to come by but me space is hard to come by. I want my space a lot of nights and parents make me feel uncomfortable if I don’t want to stay up and watch tv with them.

but the tv they watch is awful. We call it murder and mayhem. It’s mostly real life stories about people who either killed or were killed by their abusice spouses. I hear a lot of details that are triggering, things he did to her, signs she should have seen. They’ll also watch things I enjoy but truly I’m exhausted by the end of the day and I’m still trying to process a lot of traumas. I have a lot on my plate.

 I’m angry that I can’t walk around on pajamas in my own home. That statement is twofold. At the end of the day I want to be comfortable but here that also means being uncomfortable. I can’t really walk around in much other than a sweatshirt or thick shirt here. I also don’t have my own home.

 I’m angry that I don’t see a way out of this. I recognize that thinking may be a part of learned helplessness but I’ve looked into so many organizations and I’ve sought so much help. My car is worth too much for food stamps/cash assistance. Housing assistance is closed indefinitely here and the area they put people in the county where I work is no place for kids to play outside. Not one of us can live without playing outside. 

I’m thankful for the roof over my head and I love my parents but I can’t handle our relationship without big bold boundaries. I don’t like the way my mom talks sometimes, the way she reacts to mistakes or to my asking her not to say something. She’s triggering to me because of things she did to me and the way she treated me growing up.

I have learned so much here that I’d forgotten and probably never would have seen had I not moved in with them so I’m thankful. I needed to know this to know how to help my kids. This is good. I can see so much that I glossed over because other abuse was much more obvious. It’s been heart breaking to say the very least. And all the enlightenment barely even addresses things with my Dad. Some of what he’s done here has been triggering and I recognize why but there’s so much I don’t understand. It’s confusing to me that I have trouble making eye contact with him, that I’m scared of him from time to time. Uncomfortable yes that makes sense but fear? He’s not the person who physically abused me or sexually abused me. I don’t understand the feelings. They’re not new just more in my face now that I’m here all the time. 

I’m a mess. And I know I’m not responsible for anyone’s actions, words, opinions, control tactics. I’m only responsible for my response, my boundaries and my feelings. But it’s hard to have all these people in my life who don’t respect boundaries. I’m the one with the problem in their eyes. I’m taking care of me, my kids and I have no need to apologize. But I am the common denominator. So my fragile self being tossed between a passive aggressive sabatoging mom, a controlling intimidating dad who I’m afraid of for some reason and who has done some inappropriate things since I’ve moved in, and my soon to be ex who denies his blatant abuse, belittled it and/or blames me, sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me.....that I cause all these problems, that I’m a magnet for drama and abuse. And sometimes I feel sorry for my kids because how can I teach them to be well if I can’t figure out how to be well. And how can I be well or move forward at all if I’m stuck in this environment. 

I’m angry.

Its been a hard few weeks. 

I know I have much to be thankful for and this is only for a season but I still have to figure out what my next step is and finding it has been such a roller coaster. I think I learn about something and get mt hopes up even though I try not to. I’m crushed with each closed door. And it’s harder and harder the more dead end phone calls I make. 

I’m just mad today.