Lilmissy, I’m up late most nights. Afraid of those nightmares. I feel very similar to what you describe quite often. I have multiple traumas. My injuries remind me of some traumas, while my anger of those who abused me and of my attacker. I never really thought I had an anger problem until my psychologist pointed out all my ptsd symptoms related to anger. Just when I think I have everything under control it haunts me. Control can be a sign of anger. I feel guilt and shame when I lash out in response to triggering words, or that my husband can’t watch certain movies when I am present because they could trigger me and if I disassociate I can become violent if disturbed, not realizing my actions. Sometimes I don’t recognize myself.

I hope writing helps you get it out. Hugs.

I feel exactly like that lilmissy. Guilt, shame, remorse, pain and anger fuelled by past and present injustices all wrapped up with my pain issues and health. I hope we can both find some peace healing and acceptance. We deserve it. And a good nights sleep.

Up since 4 AM here,lilmissy......

Anger is a tough one for me.i can relate to what you said about feeling like you are like *them* if you get angry.i grew up in a house where everyone but me was allowed to express anger.If i did was quickly shut up.So now i feel guilty when i get angry,and i fear the feeling in me.

Perhaps we need to tell ourselves we so so are entitled to our anger.It needs,i think,to be expressed in a healthy safe way,it does not make us like *them*,

Thank you for this lilmissy good to think about.
healing hugs.....

Yep. Anger is "bad" so I must be "bad" etc. But as Silverlight said, we're allowed. if we're not harming ourselves or someone else, we've got a lot to be angry about in our lives.

I survived childhood by not showing emotions if I could help it. Emotional displays made my life worse. it's an ongoing struggle for me.

Hugs from the puma. B/c dang, do I know that feeling.... Kept me up till 1 Am and woke me up at 430 AM today.

In my strictly personal case, I believe embracing that anger opened the door to healing options. I hold that such treatment of children is worthy of righteous anger, even when the child was me. Minimizing my own pain and anger opens the door to minimizing the continuing atrocities for children currently going through these horrors. I believe I have a moral obligation to be angry over these abuse cycles, but it be critical that I keep my anger well-targeted. Effective targeting is not possible while I am busy repressing my own emotions.

Finding effective anger channels was/is far more healing than further self-flagellation and repression.

But that is me. . .

Continued support while you find what is right for you.

I have a great deal of guilt and shame over my PTSD. The PTSD was done to me and they used procedure to mask what they were doing to me with a patina of credibility. I feel guilt for feeling anger in the situation and I blame myself for everything that occurred no matter how twisted I have to make the situation fit the guilt. I spend a lot of sleepless night imagine the situation over and over again. The PTSD rules often taking over my mind and driving out logic.

Hugs lilmissy.... you have every right to be angry. It is a righteous anger. Your abuser's anger was not.

Hugs to you Limissy . I don't know what I feel. I suffer also from Stockholm syndrome. Learning still that abuse is wrong. I have a lot to learn.

I've been shamed by a lot of people for my anger at the PTSD I got from being a missionary kid in a war zone, lilmiss. How dare you complain, people tell me, your missionary parents were answering God's call. Yeah, I tell them, but God called THEM, not ME. I was collateral damage, and for life, so how's that a fair God? I don't even get all the glory for answering God's call to fulfill a mission. I was just there when the bombs went off, too bad.

So I loved it when I saw the tv episode called ‘Two Cathedrals. " As Wiki says, “it is the 44th episode and second season finale of The West Wing. It was first broadcast on May 16, 2001. President Bartlet is beset by memories of Mrs. Landingham as her funeral approaches.” She’s his secretary when she suddenly is killed in a random car crash. He has loved her since he met her when she was his high school’s secretary when he was a teen. After her funeral, Bartlet has the Secret Service close the church for a private moment alone. Everybody outside thinks he’s weeping over her casket, but the camera shows that inside alone he’s actually cursing God in anger over losing her—and cursing God in a church, no less.

I’m not recommending cursing in churches, but I am saying that that tv episode really freed me to express my anger and just let it out. It’s ok, even though other people may not say so. It really is.

Wow you guys really do understand

Thank you so much for your support kindness and wise words
I’m really sorry you guys who do understand too

I wanted to write back sooner & wish I could write more but I been having a really hard time, all locked up & muscles relaxers & nothing are helping. I lost my words yesterday & I’m pushing through today. I hope I’m making sense.

Big hugs <3

lilmissy7 sending BIG HUGS back to you. Praying you feel peace and comfort right now in this moment as you are reading this. I truly wish you did not have to deal with any of this! But, you are SO strong, you are a Survivor and a Fighter... and you are SO SO LOVED!!!! Don't ever stop pushing through!

Gracias EllaEscribe <3

You are making excellent sense, Missy. I wish none of us understood, but somehow I am grateful, all the same. As Mark Twain said, "Of course fact is stranger than fiction. Fiction is obliged to make sense."