Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group

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Am I allowed?

jennyoo7
jennyoo7

I'm estranged from my siblings, a case of scapegoating started years ago. When I was "Sweet" and never questioned anything I was the goldenchild and clueless. It wasn't until I was around 22 when my role switched to scapegoat and it's been difficult but I feel more blessed to be in this role because I'm living in reality and doing my best everyday to lose the crap traits I picked up while growing up so I don't do that to my own kids. Being a scapegoat has given me the ability to have insight all while learning who I really am vs who I was supposed to be on their terms. 


Got distracted There lol. So I still have contact with my mom but she often talks about my siblings knowing full well what's going on. I want them to have a happy life but I want that life away from me in all regards. It pisses me off when she brings them up, I feel sucked in and not necessarily her fault, they are her kids after all. Do I have the right to ask her not to bring them up around me? If i do how could I have a conversation about this without it blowing up? I know i might have felt censored in the past before knowing first hand how it feels. I don't want drama I just don't want the past brought up anymore. Suggestions please? 

Community LeaderLeo
Leo
I'd just say, "Mom, if I want to know about their lives, I'll contact them, I wanted to talk to *you*." I've no idea if it works for everyone, but one friend IRL tried it on her dad, and got to stop hearing about her Golden Brother and His Perfect Kids every time she called home....
arfie
arfie
Absolutely, it is allowed. If you have been hiding it from her all this time, I might even call it a show of respect for the relationship between you and your mother. You can't expect her to be able to read your mind.

Continued support whichever way you take it, Golden Child.
jennyoo7
jennyoo7
Thx Leo that actually sounds perfect. Thx arfie, you're right she can't read mind's. The only thing I'm worried about is history repeating itself. When I asked my sister to not speak of her work any more she stopped talking to me for 5 years now. But resenting my mom for talking about important people to her doesn't help anything either.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Big hug for you Jenny..... I ended up estranged from my brother years ago and I think for our parents it's hard... They just want the family to be healthy whether or not it is.... I had to do what was right for me.... I think sometimes people bury their heads about what's going on
If it's just a comment during a regular conversation I would let it go... If she seems to be pushing it on you I would ask her to stop.... I know this is hard.... Another hug.....xo
donnawanda
donnawanda
If your sister didn't speak to you for five years after you asked her not to talk to you about work, it looks to me like she was punishing you for setting boundaries. Oh, a lot of people do that!!! Especially if your given role is scapegoat. So maybe it will happen with your mom too, but if it does, you still did the right thing by setting boundaries. You are important and you are entitled to your boundaries. You NEED them. No one should punish you for that.
jennyoo7
jennyoo7
Thanks everyone. You're all right and maybe it will go fine. I realized it's my own self talk scaring me from doing it. I'm the whistle blower, the loud mouth, the trouble maker, drama queen.....the truth teller. I'm not those bad things I just want peace in my little corner of this world. Peace is moving away from people who don't see the best in me and only focus on the worst.
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
I'm my dysfunctional family's scapegoat, and it took a long time for me to realize I was chosen for that role because I was the strongest one of the bunch who could take on the weight of that role. It still isn't fair, but I carry it as a badge of honor now more than as a curse. Since I play the toughest role in the family drama, then, I get to set boundaries on my terms. They don't like it, but if they really want to do anything about it we could all switch roles any time.

Keep tending to your boundaries, jenny.
jennyoo7
jennyoo7
The conversation went so amazing. I kept it about my self while validating her feelings on the subject and the bottom line is she said she would try and do her best. How she handles it now is beyond my control but at least it's out there and when she slips up or doesn't respect my wishes i will have a voice now because she didn't turn on me or get angry with me. I don't know why I waited so long but you all gave me the push to do it and I'm thankful to everyone who replied. Thank you again.
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