I think my tittle is supposed to say "Effects of the trauma" but I don't think I can edit. Sorry.

I'm sorry that all this has happened to you. It is absolutely horrible. Go at your pace. If you are not ready to write it down yet, don't. You heal at your pace. You are in control now. Be gentle with yourself. Be well.

I am so sorry this happened to you as well. I completely agree with livewithintention. It is ok to have a general outline of what happened but your entire experience does not have to be written on one page at one time, it is ok to not have all the answers. If you do not have an answer of why you THINK this happened to you, and I emphasize the think, not the WHY then be honest and say that. Take your time putting your needs first, even with the doctor.

Hi, blue. Welcome to the forum. Sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

Viet Nam Era vet here, from the very last battalion of the official Women's Army Corps. Sorry to hear so little has changed on this particular score. I can't believe the Race Card is still such an active ploy. I carried my PTSD into the Army with me and had much different luck than you did, but I witnessed this kind of stuff continually. I think my street smarts were the key component in my own luck.

I started that particular homework assignment in the mid-70's. Different trauma, but same homework assignment. Three file boxes full of therapy journal later, I am still short of clear answers, but learning to find serenity in simply accepting it. My last round of VA therapy was, "ACT." (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) Still, I am glad I took on the assignment. It still serves me well in sorting through the yaddahs of my ever-morphing blahs.

Gentle support while you tackle it, blue. Easy does it. Small bytes. Don't beat yourself up when you need to back off and ply some self-care. Be patient with the process.

Thank you, Arfie. I have lots of friends who are Viet Nam vets. I enjoy hearing their stories and the wisdom they share. I wonder what the Women's Army Corps was like?
I'm glad you have good street smarts. I think I am well equipped with it too, but sometimes bad things happen to good people. It's life. And when you have a command who makes covering up evil their full time job, well, no good can come from that.

I think I'm more wounded from the treatment I received after the assaults than the assaults themselves, is what it boils down to.
I was really hurt that my command took the attacker's side on both occasions. The 1st incident they told me to my face during the "questioning" because he outranked me his word was automatically taken over mine. Plus he was an "honorable" Marine, yada yada. The second time was the race thing, which deeply wounded me too, because I'm half Asian (not some "KKK" member) and grew up with colorful friends and my large family is married to people from all walks of life. I just couldn't believe the military would rather punish the victim not once but TWICE than do some justice. Because the military has a long history of this, this why this "trend" keeps happening generation to generation. Besides, the 2nd guy who attacked me, assaulted me while I was on the med-board for a back injury. I was incapable of fighting him off because of my injury and he took advantage of my situation. Yep, and that's what my command called "self defense"! The issue with him was that he wanted to date me but I wanted him to stay away from me. So, guess he thought he'd try to force it, and then tell everyone I was racist after he beat me.

I can't believe it's years later and this stuff still makes my heart race..... I hope this gets better over time so I can be freed from my hauntings.

I started my therapy before there was a PTSD dx, way back when combat PTSD was still being called, "Shell Shock." I was diagnosed with full Trauma Induced Amnesia in 1974. I had blocked my entire childhood. I didn't start taking therapy for that seriously until the late 80's when I finally started to understand why everybody kept saying "amnesia" like it was a bad thing.

If the full experience convinced me of anything, it is that time alone is not enough to heal these kinds of wounds. But healing is possible. We don't get to forget, but can be free of the hauntings.

Keep sorting, Blue. Your own answers are in there. Gentle support while you sort. Hope healing happens here.

P.S. The old Women's Army Corp struck me as Girl Scout Camp for geniuses. The test to get in was heavy duty enough to make it one of the largest collection of geniuses ever assembled, but I was living in throw-away kid camps before I was recruited. Boot camp was softer than any life I had experienced up to that point. They also included semi-formal training on how to "keep your privates safe from higher ranking booty callers."

Kinda makes me mad that today's Army typically won't take my contemporary counter-part. With as big as our military budget is, you would think they could make room for a few desperate kids in need of an honest break.

Blue, the only thing I can say is, being unable to report my rape was worse to me than the rape after a while, because it just meant I felt like the silence helped the "bad guy". Big hugs and support.

BlueSky. I commend you on your strength to share with us your past and what was so very hard to put out there. It shows that you are taking steps to move forward and forward you must. It is not easy to tell the horror or the trauma to those you don't trust. That in itself takes time. You have turned the key and begin the journey we all wish to be on. The little girl inside is speaking to to you, and she speaks loudly. Listen it make a difference.

Scott

gentle hugs, the first, well and the last, therapist i went to for PTSD, gave me my first homework assignment -- he assigned me to write out the top ten worst traumas of my life. i couldn't do it. i came here and talked about it, can't remember if i talked on the board about it or only privately. i was really messed up, upset, felt like i needed to go to the hospital and nearly did before the next apponitment. but i finally threw a few traumas that HAD happened, they just weren't hte BIG whatever. so we went along for awhile.
my point, i'm so sorry, what i wish i HAD done, was to tell him i was not ready for that homework assignment. it blew me right away to even try to begin it. and when i finally did tell him that, he understood completely and it let him know more where i was at with the trauma....words? effect at that point in time. not sure if i am saying this well, making sense.
i am so sorry for what happened to you, what happened was horrible and you are very brave to share this with us here and with your counselor. you get to be in charge of how fast your therapy moves and if it is too soon for this assignment, you get to say so. i didn't know that then. they don't always remember to tell you things like that at first, but it is the truth and it is an important truth.

Welcome, blue. Sorry for what brought you here, but as you can see already, it's a healing place so I'm glad you found us.

In one of your replies in this thread you write that not only was the initial trauma painful, but the way you were treated after it was even more painful.

I can relate. Though I wasn't in the military, when I was a kid and I was molested, my suffering had just begun. Trusting my mother like a 12 year old will do, I turned to her for comfort.

It turned out that I didn't know my mom was mentally ill and that one manifestation of her mental illness was extreme homophobia. From then on I got weekly beatings to make me a man, and all kinds of verbal and other non-physical forms of harassment from her for the rest of her life. And it turned out that I wasn't even gay.

The up side of it all was that early on I learned that gaybashing was real, and so when I did meet lgbt people I wasn't homophobic like mom. I learned that harassment was real, so when women reported it I knew to support them. I wish, though, I could have learned all of that and had a loving mom, too, but that's not what happened.

Something that compounded the abuse at home was that my family was serving as missionaries in a war zone. For 6 years there were gunbattles in my neighborhood, my car was bombed with us in it, and at one point my family's house was occupied for a day by soldiers. So I'm not military, but I am a combat veteran from an early age. Yet I couldn't turn to my mom for safety or comfort because she was beating me for her own reasons.

That was unfair, just as your treatment was unfair in the military. You're right, bad things happen to good people. Here we get together to offer support as those who know that's all too true.

I want to thank you for your service in the military for the rest of us. I'm sorry for what you suffered in your service, and for how fresh the trauma still is. Feel free to use us for sounding boards as you do your therapy homework. Much support to you.

Oh Blue, I'm sorry! I know hearing that a hundred times isn't going to make it any better, but for those of us who have been there (and there's quite a few of us) it's a heartfelt I'm sorry. The only one I'd wish that on is my err... umm... grandmother. If you ever need someone to talk to, there are plenty of people here that have your back, and I'm one of them!! Hugs my friend!!

Hugs to you Blue! Sexual assault within the framework of military life continues to be a blemish that escapes recognition, treatment or punishment for the offenders. The victims of abuse are swept under the carpet, while everyone else pretends its business as usual. No mere words can take away your sorrow and pain, although it must feel good to finally get this incident out in the open.

Eleven years later, you feel like this just happened. The past is often difficult to unearth or even look at the pain because it’s still with you. If you want freedom and recovery, then the healing process often begins with a radical inventory of the past. You are what matters in this present moment. As much as you describe your painful hauntings, it is indeed time to work with your counselor no matter how hard. And, yes it will get better in time.

BlueSky, your bravery, transparency, and desire to find peace is marvelous. Moving beyond these incidents is the light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. The promise of renewed life through working with your counselor is the answer from your soul that struggles to set you free! None of those questions she asked are easy. Neither was your experience. Time to make life about how you want it, not based on the past. I pray you find release, comfort, and new beginnings!

Aloha everyone.
I've been reading all of your responses and I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate you all reaching out to me and the things you've said. It means the world to me. I can relate to some of the experiences mentioned here and it's really nice to know I'm not alone. I'm truly grateful for all the support and kind words from every one of you. I will try to individually respond to your posts. Peace and gentle hugs

No need to worry about individual responses, Blue. Not to discourage you if it helps you in your personal recovery, but each of us gets our due when it is our own turn to need the group support.

One for all and all for one. We get by with a little help from our friends.