Im really sorry muji i have no advice but offering u a hug and support. I hope someone else here can offer you some helpful advice.

Muji, although the focus is on Mexico and South America, prejudicial killings have occurred world wide with a variety of targets. You will be sharing your experience in Spanish speaking countries. I think it will be up to the students to choose to raise the El Paso event. Might be interesting to ask how many have experienced prejudice in their own lives or histories, or have witnessed it done to others. What a conversation that may open up. You certainly have my support and uplifting hugs as you teach this class.

I have no advice.

You have my support.

For those that want to talk about the president, I've run a community group for 2 years. We've never had any issues. PM me if you're interested.

TRIGGER WARNING

I've had time to unpack what got to me when I was speaking publicly yesterday. What choked me up unexpectedly when I was giving my speech was the image of my old friend Rev. Dr. Ignacio Martin-Baro, or "Nacho," as I called him. He was my guest speaker from El Salvador here in the USA in one of my Spanish classes I teach.

I feared for his safety in returning home because he spoke out against the civil war that was going on there. I got my dean to offer him a visiting professor's job at my school so he could stay instead of going back home.

He didn't accept my offer, and 4 months after he went home his house on his school's campus was broken into by a military officer.

TRIGGER WARNING

Nacho was taken outside and was shot in the face while standing on the lawn. Several colleagues and friends of his died that night, too.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ignacio_Mart%C3%ADn-Bar%C3%B3

As for me, I spoke at his memorial service. Now I go on down to visit his grave in El Salvador when I go down to southern Mexico. It's one of the reasons I want to retire in southern Mexico instead of northern Mexico. There I can be close to Central America to go see his grave once in a while.

I miss him like family. He was smart and funny and musical. He's the reason I went on to become ordained as a minister myself and became a hospital chaplain teaching Spanish and psychology college courses like I do now. Nacho was an ordained minister and a psychology professor at the university of El Salvador.

He was my role model. When I was speaking at a church myself yesterday and his image flashed across my mind from my memory somehow. I wasn't talking about him or that topic. But somehow his image came to mind. I'm usually really glad when that happens, because I love him still. I'm so glad usually that I haven't forgotten him or what he looked like.

But this was in the middle of giving a speech. Tears came quickly. I had to stop speaking for a moment and catch my breath. It was fine, I recovered silently, and things went on smoothly. But I did so by promising myself I'd come here with it to you.

TRIGGER WARNING

The El Paso and other shootings remind me of my own survival of a mass shooting. When I was a missionary kid aged 10 in Uruguay, during a downtown riot police put down with gunfire, I survived a shooting spree.

My dad had left me on the street while going in to exchange money at a downtown bank. While I was alone, a riot broke out on the street. I've mentioned here before the trauma of my seeing to my left that a protesting university dental student named Liber Arce was shot in the groin by mounted police. It was August 12, 1968, so it's anniversary is today.
https://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/L%C3%ADber_Arce

My dad race out of the bank, got me in our VW Beetle, and whipped it around in a u turn and we got out of there. But Liber Arce bled out and died. I'd seen staged gun battles on tv cop shows, but in none of them did anyone ever get shot in the groin. It was quite gruesome for anyone of any age to see. It was especially gruesome for me as an 10 year old.


TRIGGER WARNING

I found out as an adult that Nacho had died in El Salvador while getting dressed in the morning to go teach school. I was in front of my bedroom's tv set when CNN interrupted with breaking news.
Suddenly Nacho's wounded face was on the screen.

Again, I've seen lots of gunshot wounds on tv shows. Since then I've seen lots of gunshot wounds up close on the job as an ER hospital chaplain on Chicago's south side. At that time, though, I hadn't seen someone shot in the face, especially no one I knew. Seeing Nacho shot that way was traumatic for me like it was when I saw Liber Arce shot when I was 10 years old.

I didn't know Liber Arce before the day he died, but I honored him by writing about him in my book I published on those years in Uruguay. I did know Nacho quite well, though, I had him in my house to play guitar, we had fun together.

I'm glad I can still see his face so clearly from memory, and I'm glad I can still feel for him through all of my PTSD. It's just when and where that it happened that was a problem--up at the podium in front of a group speaking about something else.

That's what I think y'all can understand here at DS PTSD as peers with the same diagnosis that others without it might not understand quite as well. How flashbacks, memories, and trigger come and go for us. That one got to me in public, and it left a mark.

What got to me yesterday was the coming together of 3 things.
`1. The anniversary today of the day I saw Liber Arce die when I was 10.
2. My speaking at a church yesterday and therefore remembering my fellow churchman Nacho's death.
3. My coming from Mexico to the USA at the same time that the massacre of Mexicans happened in El Paso.

It's not all that surprising when you take it apart and add it all up again, right? It's sort of like, "duh." But my mind was on my speech I'd written about something else yesterday, so all of that sort of had a chance to sneak up on me.

You all understand how that can happen to us with PTSD, right? Ever happen to you? I'm thinking I'm not alone in this. I'm not, am I?

((((((( muji )))))))

i'm so sorry you are going through this.
And no,you're not alone.

Just the other day,an abusive partner i had many years ago popped into my head,and i had flashbacks from out of nowhere.

It's too bad that memory is so poorly understood.
It frustrates me,not knowing when a trigger will come up,and it's frustrating when i can't identify a trigger.

Perhaps you may be in shock? Bewildered?
i feel that way sometimes around my PTSD.

You are definitely experiencing post traumatic STRESS.

As for school next week,try to take comfort in knowing that your students will be there because they want to be.
Their minds will be eager to learn what you have to teach them.

i said in my post how self care can be hard,but i encourage you do take good care of you.

Keep posting,we're here.

Muji, are our traumas the same for all here? Of course not. Anniversary dates trigger so many. As Silver said, we don't always know why a particular FB will pop up. Yes, sometimes one leads to another and so on until we are lost in the barrage. You came to the USA to be safe, and that is being eroded. You had a triple hit with this one. You have seen so much, which is witness to trauma, and lived through so much, it is no surprise that you would feel overwhelmed by this triple hit. As they say: been there, done that, and have some T-shirts. All the support I can send as you continue to ply your tools. Calming and comforting hugs.

***Listening***

Muji, I am younger and not nearly as wise but I can relate to people being uncomfortable and I can relate to being made to feel uncomfortable because I’m not a specific minority. Im half black half white. But that means I’m not black to them or white to them and I’m not Spanish though everyone thinks I am. It can be hard feeling like an outsider even when you really aren’t. And you’re not. Your skin is different looking and your experience is different but you have the authority to teach Spanish there. That’s why you were given the job. In my leadership training this last year I’ve read a lot of books and the best thing I think I’ve taken away is that it’s important to engage people and in order to engage them we have to know them specifically. Don’t worry so much about proving yourself but about helping them achieve their dreams. Each of them is going to be taking that course for a reason. Mandatory part of their degree? Bettering themselves? It’s a stepping stone on a journey that’s likely unrelated to the class. But that class is important. Ask them what their dreams are, what’s stopping them from achieving those dreams and find out how they best learn. Then teach the course. If it’s a one day thing you probably can’t figure out whose the auditory/visual learner but you can cater to each type of learner in your presentation. When I’m triggered and I have to lead people, I do it one person at a time. And I see hundreds if not more than a thousand people a day. Some are customers. Some are colleagues and in everything I do I am leading them - to the end of a transaction or to the end of a successful task or shift. I focus on what I can control. My words. My actions. I will never be accepted as a half black half white single mom Christian who doesn’t hear jokes and has a ton of anxiety. Sometimes it’s my belief that I’m not accepted. Sometimes it’s a truth. Either way, being accepted can not be my goal. My goal has to be finishing the task at hand. When I get to the end of the day, I feel accomplished.

Take Saturday for instance. I ran a 5k with my colleagues. I was extremely depressed (you may have read my journal). But I went anyways. I felt like an outsider and I ran the race alone. A lot of people were ahead of me and a lot of them were behind me. I didn’t want to go at Ks pace even though I like K. She was too slow. I tried to push myself to go at Ms pace but M is too fast. Halfway through we were running up some ramps (6 in total, it was an awesome race!) I caught myself thinking a lot of negative things and then something healthy kicked in. I don’t have to care about beating the guy twice my age anymore than I need to care about beating the guy half my age. I am the only one who has to live with me tomorrow. So just like in my counseling appointments, when I know I won’t be able to manage my symptoms if I spit certain words out because I don’t know how to be supported, I limited myself to what I knew I could handle. I kept my pace. I did what was necessary and no more than that. Maybe you go in with these intentions to do and say all this stuff but you actually only say .three quarters of it. The stuff you left out is a total secret and having protected yourself, maybe you’ll rest better the next day. I used to think being brave meant doing what is expected of me according to the standards that this world sets for me. But being brave is actually doing what I can do period. It’s saying no. It’s having limits. Or saying yes but only this much. We don’t have to be all or nothing and we don’t have anything to prove. I’m not sure this helps because I’m not sure I understand the teaching job. Also, I’m young and not wise. If nothing else, know I believe in you and I am really proud of you and beyond words so very thankful for you.

I read your comment here too and you’re definitely not alone. I get triggered in church often. My life group are fifty somethings and they all talk about things on the news. One woman shared once her story of how she survived an armed robbery. It was an anniversary date and she was graphic. Sometimes it’s things they have never happened to me that I’m terribly afraid of. Sometimes work isn’t stressful at all and I can’t focus. Sometimes the world moves so fast that I can’t sit in my own skin, literally I don’t recognize myself. So I get back to the basics and do what I need to do to take care of myself. I definitely understand how things can pile like they did. You’re not alone. And I stand by my advice to take the presentation one thing at a time.

It's so weird that this anniversary of witnessing Liber Arce's death when I was 10 got to me today at age 61. I didn't consciously anticipate the date at all or think or talk about it in any extra way at all. I didn't feel anything like this last year or even realize it was the anniversary of that day last year at all, not at all, nada.

I think somehow the recent El Paso shooting of Mexicans and my coming from Mexico at that same time dredged it up from my subconscious in some automatic manner.

sil, it's so good, then, that you posted about self care before this even came to me. You're right to say self care is what it's about. I was pretty confused by it. But self care for me involves a variety of things, including pleasures, including rewards.

I didn't feel like partying or being in public. However, I went to a concert anyway tonight (your compatriot from Canada, Bryan Adams, put on a great rock n roll show). I had trouble there during the first hour. In spite of the great music, I felt kind of PTSD dissociated and numb.

However, a group of ladies I never met before sat behind me. Eventually we started commenting on songs back and forth, and I started getting into the music in the show's second hour. Once they loosened me up I let myself be distracted from past memories and enjoyed myself a lot for the show's second hour. I even had a few laughs together with them during the show. Bless them.

Thanks, SimpsonsOK, for acknowledging my original journey coming to the US for safety from Uruguay is being "eroded," as you put it. I like looking at it that way, because erosion is real but gradual. No need to panic, just to monitor erosion and plan to shore up for it. That's self care, too.

My plan to emigrate again, this time to Mexico, in retirement in 2 years (and to spend breaks there until then) is an adequate, safe, timely self care response. That's really reassuring to me, really reassuring.

So tonight there was short term self care. I did not cancel going to the show even though I didn't relate to it once there until halfway through it. I got to where I had fun in the show's second half.

Then there was reassurance about my long term self care, traveling back to Mexico for a visit Dec. 14 in just 124 days. Looking toward being there in permanent safety in two years forever. That's long term! :-)

I appreciate your reading the long second post here in this thread where I actually "did the math" out loud here in writing, so to speak, to figure out my feelings. That way I could know what support to ask for and get it from you like I have.

I'm really grateful. I want to acknowledge my trauma as clearly as I can so I can process it efficiently. I want to be happy as much as possible now regardless of my having been a war child. As they say, it's never too late to have a happy childhood, right? Retirement back where I grew up, either in Mexico or Uruguay, is going to be a happy second childhood for me now. Can't wait to go back to visit for a taste of my second future childhood in December as a Christmas present to myself.

See, I didn't think I was alone in this sort of thing! :-)
You affirmed just that: I'm not alone. That's half the battle for me with PTSD every time.

THANK YOU.

Though it doesn't look like it in vertical order here, I wrote the above having only read sil and SimpsonsOK's replies, not yours yet, Marah. I'm so glad I went back and read what you also added before going to sleep! What you wrote about being half and half racially really helped, it really had magic for me.

It's not exactly the same because with me it's not race but language, but I'm half English and half Spanish. So what you said about your half and and experience was parallel ENOUGH FOR ME NOT TO FEEL ALONE. That, as I already said above, is all I need to believe to win half the battle of getting myself out of a PTSD hole when I fall into one and can't see the way out unless somebody shines a light down on me. You did. THANK YOU.

What you shared from your leadership course really helped, too. I have a colleague who also teaches psychology who has students on a first name basis and shares personal stories about suicide attempts in class.

I share about my relevant work experience in hospitals with my nursing students openly, but I do not talk about my PTSD in class like I do here. I feel it's about my learning to have boundaries, I didn't have those my childhood trauma years. I'm happy to share here because it seems to be the place, but I'm keeping to having some limits.

You mentioned having limits was mentioned in your leadership course when you wrote: "being brave is actually doing what I can do period. It’s saying no. It’s having limits. Or saying yes but only this much."

Wow, that was so, so good for me to hear. It's so simple. I feel so relieved. Thank you.

Gentle hug Muji…… I think if we weren't effected by these horrors it would be far worse

At the same time I am so sorry that you've been suffering

I don't understand where all of the hate and this superior attitude comes from.... When you think about how foolish it all is

Skin pigmentation or perhaps hair texture??……. It makes no sense at all does it?

My nephews children are mixed race and I know that their mom in particular worries about them facing hate from people

I am so sorry that your dear friend was killed Muji

I agree that talking about it is a good thing...… Letting students vent if they want to might be really helpful

Another hug.....xo

I'm so sorry the mom of your nephew'w children worry about facing hate because they're mixed race. When I was a day care center teacher at Virginia Commonwealth University, a little 2 year old African American girl whose father was in the home bonded with me. I got a Father's Day gift from the mom. It was so sweet.

It was 1977. I thought things would be different by now. I don't get it, either. I'll bet that little girl remembers me, though. :-) I do. I still have her picture up at my house right by the front door. I see her face first thing when I come home from work at school.

Thanks for saying you're sorry my dear friend was killed. Me, too. On the other hand, his mentor Archbishop Romero had died in 1980 opposing the Salvadoran civil war yet it had raged on for 9 years when Nacho died. Nacho's assassination and that of his friends in 1989 seemed to be the turning point.

The civil war was over by 1992. I went down to celebrate and then to lay some more flower's on Nacho's tomb. The inscription from John 15:13 reads "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."

My missionary dad was deported from South America back to the USA for church fraud. I grew up seeing a lot of corruption and hypocrisy in church behind all the fancy words--and not just my dad's. I flew on the private plane of one of the tv evangelists. It actually had a crystal chandelier on it--on an airplane?

Jesus was a carpenter's son who had no room at the Inn when He was born, rode into Jerusalem on a donkey, and was executed with common criminals. No private plane, no chandelier.

Yet like Jesus, Nacho meant the fancy words. He meant them to death, actually. He really did die for his friends. Whoa. It brought my cynicism up short forever. I think it did that for a lot of people.

Hope I see him again in heaven. He was not only a role model, he was a fun guy. Lots of jokes and lots of singing along playing the guitar. I could handle doing THAT for eternity.... Ya nevah know....

(((((Mujica))))))
Aqui contigo amigo,
Ya tu sabes , you are not alone

There’s a lot more I could say but dissociation today is making even these few words hard to get out

Just know you always have my support & respect
Te mando abrazo <3

The hate is scaring me.