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Guilt... such a simple word, yet has immeasurable meaning. Just like many of you, I have trouble sleeping at night. Some nights I take Tylenol PM , some nights I take Ambien. The reason I don't take Ambien every night is because, while it does help me sleep, it also makes me a little high and goofy. In all honesty, the high is a beautiful one. On an Ambien night, I rarely have flashbacks or night terrors and am just content... sometimes I'm even happy.
I was seeing a guy for a little bit and last week I took my Ambien as he was getting ready to head out. He ended up staying a while longer and my Ambien kicked in. Today, when I broke it off with him, he asked if I remembered our conversation that night; which I didn't. He said I was the happiest, most care free that he'd ever seen me. He told me I said, "I used to be like this all the time. I never used to require a drug to feel safe. I miss feeling like this." As he was telling me this, my heart sank. I find it so incredibly sad that I feel that way.
Now I'm struggling with the feelings if guilt; a feeling with which I'm quite familiar. But this guilt is different than the normal "I shouldn't think that," kind of guilt. This guilt is tearing my heart open because I have so damn much to be happy about. I have an amazing family and a great group of friends... I'm not sure I could have a better network of support. I have a beautiful 3yo son who is winning a battle with cancer. I have my health, for the most part. I have a great job. I have a nice home. I even have a pretty great dog! Yet these walls are made of steel and I can't get to a place where I feel safe enough to let my guard down long enough to be happy. I mean genuinely happy.
I can't be the only one who feels this guilt, right?
I was seeing a guy for a little bit and last week I took my Ambien as he was getting ready to head out. He ended up staying a while longer and my Ambien kicked in. Today, when I broke it off with him, he asked if I remembered our conversation that night; which I didn't. He said I was the happiest, most care free that he'd ever seen me. He told me I said, "I used to be like this all the time. I never used to require a drug to feel safe. I miss feeling like this." As he was telling me this, my heart sank. I find it so incredibly sad that I feel that way.
Now I'm struggling with the feelings if guilt; a feeling with which I'm quite familiar. But this guilt is different than the normal "I shouldn't think that," kind of guilt. This guilt is tearing my heart open because I have so damn much to be happy about. I have an amazing family and a great group of friends... I'm not sure I could have a better network of support. I have a beautiful 3yo son who is winning a battle with cancer. I have my health, for the most part. I have a great job. I have a nice home. I even have a pretty great dog! Yet these walls are made of steel and I can't get to a place where I feel safe enough to let my guard down long enough to be happy. I mean genuinely happy.
I can't be the only one who feels this guilt, right?
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Hey all, i know its been quite awhile since i posted on here. Its been a summer all right. Its been something else........... You know how they say not to open the can of worms? Well a few months ago i decided to find out what my due date would have been for my first baby, the one conceived by r***. My baby would have been due on March 4th of 2006. They would be 20 years old. I was R**** on June...
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My day...today...misplaced my debit card...didn't realize it until I got to the register after shopping to a full cart. Used a different debit card and pulled apart everything looking for missing debit card before I left parking lot. Got home, dropped keys. So now I have a missing debit card, missing keys. A full cartload to unload and put away. I got everything put away.Dumped purse for a...
I think it is important for you to release you are not using medication to get high and happy. You are using it for quality of sleep. Huge difference between abusing meds and taking them to get well, which is what you are doing. Don't beat yourself up about what happened when you took the meds. You will get back to the happy person you once were. You are sick, and with any illness it takes time to recover. If you had a broken leg you would not feel bad and expect yourself to be running the next day, so cut yourself some slack. You are ill.
You have a lot on your plate. I assume you are a single mom, with a sick 3 year old. I am so glad to hear your little guy is beating cancer! Woot woot!! Love the hear those kind of stories. The stress must be awful.
I personal believe that in order to find happiness, contentment, you need to focus on gratitude. To me gratitude is the one thing that brings me peace, contentment and happiness. Try to stop chasing happiness and let it come to you. Try a 30 day gratitude challenge. Find 3 things to be grateful each day and write them down. Do this 30 days and it will help to bring that happiness to you.
((hugs))
I think we all often get confused by this because we feel guilty about stuff that was done to us and it isn't ours to carry. I hope this helps a little. I hope you can find that happiness again and realize that you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Im thrilled that your son is doing well and beating cancer. At my house we do a grateful thing everyday and then at the end of the year on new year's eve we look at them. Doing it with your son can really make a huge difference. When my kids were your age every night before bed we would say the worst thing that happen to us that day followed immediately by the best thing that happen to us that day and a big warm hug to follow. It was a lot of fun and than the kids started wanting to do it at the supper table too. We made it into a really fun game for them and it really helped me the most cause of course I had to say mine too.
Know we are here for you. Hugs
I feel guilt often, for every little thing I have ever done wrong. This guilt tells me all the time what a bad person I am and I do not deserve anything good in my life. I must remind myself this guilt was pounded into me starting at a very young age, trying to remind myself where these feelings are truly coming from and I can be happy, its ok. It is hard for me to let my guard down too. It seems when I am happy something tells me why I shouldn't be.
I am so happy to hear your beautiful three y/o son is winning his cancer battle and I hope these feelings subside and heal for you.
I too am glad and grateful to hear that your son is okay!
Please do knot accuse me of knowledge, but I truly believe that the worst of my own guilt is more habit than honest emotion. In my heart of hearts, I believe I was born to be wrong. Just ask anyone who knows me. They know just how wrong I can be. The wrongness of me is well documented. Written up at the courthouse in multiple copies and even more opines, commencing from the day I was born. That's a whole heap of guilt habit.
100% of anything is nearly impossible to achieve.
Not even I can be wrong 100% of the time. Wellllllll?
Sigh........
It's okay. GEntle gentle gentle hugs. Trauma builds us steel walls, and it takes time to trust the world to not hurt us again, and to trust happiness. Just keep remembering and counting up the reasons to be glad, to be grateful, start with that... I'm still in that stage, and it helps me....
Sorry, rambling, not doing my best today, but genelt support.
In the dream I saw my mom crying so hard, we (her, me and my youngest brother who is 5 years younger than me. We are both in our 40s). Anyways....That morning after I woke up, my brother's seemed upset like he did in the dream; he went out to get the mail as usual, came back with a big white envelope from a court in ohio (that's where my dad lives). I was in the kitchen (I forgot why I was in there, I was so mad about this envelope). He said that what he wanted everything in our home. The next day, mom had to go find a lawyer here in Wisconsin, we did.
To make a long story short....It was a trying moment, in the month of August; we just had a visit from another relative from California in june that year. The visit was horrible! I felt that I was part of what had happened because of the dream. Then mom was told that she has cancer, now she is being told it's not cancer it's autoimmune.