I am to my end because I am scared and very concerned. I saw my counselor today, in a way she acted irritated. She said that my symptoms are severe and I have a lot of issues going on. Four years ago, it's like I died, not physically but like my soul died. My grandma passed away and my uncle called us meaning my mom and I to let her know that we needed to call her because she was going to die or pass on. I was able to call her and at least say goodbye. My mom and I went over to Bakersfield California to see my uncle and his family due to the loss of my grandma, it was then that my uncle asked my mom if my mom would move over there to keep the family home and so that my other cousin not the one that abused me wouldnt get my grandma's house for her stealing money from my grandma, like my mom I felt a sense of obligation to go over and help so I did.

My mom and I were there for about two weeks and that's when things turned for the worse, that's when my life would be changed forever. My cousin , he's a known sex offender for rape and he's also a meth addict/drug dealer. he started using meth without my mom and uncle knowing and at the time I covered for him because I knew if someone knew about it he would be back in prison and he had been in prison for most of his life, I protected him even though it went against my morals and beliefs as a person, I had already lost my grandma I didnt want to lose more family. Well one night, he used meth and forced me to take it too, all I remember is it being daylight then it being night and him just kicking, and hitting me, I was bruised on my arms and legs, he even stabbed me, I have the scar still to this day. The abuse happened on a weekend, and at night so weekend and nights are especially hard for me. AFter he abused me, i was on ice for a whole day after I was that sore, i dont think nobody know's that but I was, I was extremely sore. He had the look of a killer, I thought I was really going to die that night and sometimes I feel like maybe I should have. The abuse was every type of abuse you could imagine: verbal, physical, sexual, and financial, he beat me down mentally, always used to say " i'm going to break you down to where nobody else can break, make or take from you ever again". He raped me, tied me up, took knives to me: my neck, my stomach, and even toward my reproductive area, he would say I will slice you or slit you from slit to slit to where you can never have kids again. He would take me out to the orange groves and force me to get naked and perform sexual acts on him, where if someone caught us they would wonder what was going on. I was extremely embarrased and scared to come forward about what was going on. he would say the cops wouldnt believe me, the doctors wouldnt believe me, my family would dis own me , I would lose my home, my car, everything , it felt like my whole life was coming down around me. Anyways what I am trying to get at is I was a highly functional person, I went to school, I took care of business, I had a job, I was a caregiver, I used to care about the people that I take care of, now it's like I am just numb to everything around me. My parents used to be proud of me, I feel like I have let them down, because the person that they once knew wouldnt take no crap from nobody, you could kind of say I was an aggressor in a way, even though I never harmed anyone. My dad is using drugs and has nothing to do with me so I feel like I have lost him too. I have lost two cars, two houses, my sense of self, my identity, i used to think I was a good person, now I feel like I am this horrible nobody that wont ever recover, I am scared. Has anyone been abused, and did you feel like you have lost yourself, how do i get myself back? or am I just going to feel dead internally forever. I cant handle this pain, and on top of that no professionals seem to understand except to just lock me up. what should I do.