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10 Days That Shake My World

Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd

Today is the birthday of my violently physically, emotionally, and spiritually abusive untreated bipolar father.  It was a day when he'd go manic in the home demanding big celebrations of his ego from the very people he beat bloody with his fists in the home weekly.  Since his mania had led him to escape supervision by moving us abroad as missionaries to South America, he could get away with anything.  Kind of like when the Rev. Jim Jones took his people to South America and they died there.  Instead, he got deported by the South American police, kicked out of his church, and had his missionary appointment revoked, but not before he'd terrorized me for a few decades first.




I'm lucky he didn't kill me even though he tried to drown me in a South American river once.  A local farmer came and saved me from the water, pretty confused by it all.  I haven't been hit by him for 10 years now, but it's a day when I lay low and try not to think about him too much.  My mother was mentally ill and violent, too, My violent parents' wedding anniversary was August 26, so this 10 day period from today until then was always difficult for me.


Support welcome from August 16-26.  Thanks.

silverlight
silverlight
Dearest Muji,

Sending you comfort,strength,and support during this difficult time...
Tropicaloo
Tropicaloo
He recognised you had a pure spirit muji and it enraged his demons so to speak. The fact that you survived that is a blessing to us all here. I know you didn’t survive without damage but you did survive. BTW I’m not religious so I’m speaking metaphorically. Celebrate the day by recognising you are free from the BS. The fact you didn’t inherit his illness is a blessing because I believe sometimes it’s hereditary. Light a candle, meditate and give thanks if you are up to it.
Winter
Winter
I am glad too that you did not get killed by the creep. I do not like people who had abused their children because of the abuse the child usually grows up with so much hurt and pain inside their heart and mind. My mother had a similar childhood as yours, today she is a miserable person, she would talk a lot about her abuse and I think it is affecting her to the point that she has Post Traumatic Stress. There isn't anything I can do or say that would soothe her. I told her that I do not like her family (although they are all dead except her nieces from her sister). Especially her grandmother, I can not stand that lady, I do not care what anyone would a to me.

My mother is not abusive like the people who had abused her, (thank God). But unfortunately, she is still fearful and thinks everyone does not like her and wants to harm her. I told her a few times that maybe what she is feeling is the same feelings she used to have when she was younger and was being abused.

God Bless you Muji. I think people like you and my mother who had been abused are heroes.
Preciousbabygirl
Preciousbabygirl
Support is always offered my friend. I was always told that it was survival of the fittest although, as I get older, I have to disagree. I think it was sheer willpower and 10,000 guardian angels standing on our shoulders! Those that survived horrendous acts (which is most of us here) didn't do it because they were the fittest, even the fittest have a breaking point, and even they can be killed. I know I had at least 10000 guardian angels and I have seen where others have as well. You'll be alright, Muji. You have many friends who will gladly see you through whatever the next 10 days may bring.
arfie
arfie
Steadying support while you ride out the storm, Muji.

For what it's worth
"Trying not think about ^it^" has yet to work for me. The memories go where the memories go. I don't get to control that any more than I get to control the circumstances into which I was born.

Mindfulness has worked much better for me. The memories are there, whether I like them or not, and anniversaries are potent triggers. Simple awarenes of the facts makes it much easier for me to stay in the here and now while I allow the process to carry those memories to their next level.

Hope healing happens here.
Community LeaderMid
Mid
Muji. My heart is with you through all this challenging calendar moment.

One of the most difficult decisions I made was to write out the 'good' - knowing I was out of it, and being able to work through the emotions, feelings, thoughts, words, images, and bring an understanding balance to move a tiny step forward in healing recovery balance.

I'm proud of you for sharing this. The support, encouragement, peace of mind and spirit, and the understanding and acceptance of each other makes it easier to cry the unshed tears, soften the blows still felt within all these years later, and to know that people stand with you.

You've a wisdom far beyond normal circumstances, a balance that provides kindness first, and a peace that provides pain release.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
I am so sorry to read about the horrors that were your childhood Muji.... You deserved to be cared for and protected by your parents.... Shame on them....You are in my prayers....Big hug of peace and calm... xo
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
Holy cow, y'all! Your replies here are so rich, so deep, I copied and pasted them into my daily gratitude journal so I could come back to meditate on them later and learn from them. Thanks so much for helping me process these childhood memories as I'm taken back to memories of growing up during these days between my father's birthday and my parents' wedding anniversary.

Just to begin with it means a lot simply to have a safe space like ours here in which to say a birthday in the family and a family anniversary doesn't make you sentimental. Then to be welcomed into going further and having y'all come up alongside me really is healing! Thank you for taking the time to address my recall these dates have prompted for me and for being so supportive. I'm thankful.
Triniti7788
Triniti7788
Sending hugs...
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
Thanks, Triniti, hugs gratefully received!
rose07042k
rose07042k
Muji my pastor once taught about evil and sin. My pastor would called what happened to you by your father as evil. I am sorry that it happened to you but you have overcome a lot and is such a role model to me and others. I applaud yoy Muji, you survived all that you did and you shine bright
GreenEyes727
GreenEyes727
They say that everyone who enters your life is your teacher. They can teach you how to be like them or not be like them. Your parents were sick people, maybe even evil. Have you ever heard of dark entities? They are the evil amongst us. I used to read Sylvia Browne's books. I knew about Sylvia but my good friend used to call me and read parts of one of her books to me as I was bedridden from a herniated disc. I hung onto every word. It was exactly what I believed. No such place as Hell. I was hooked. She talked about dark entities. Like, for instance, Scott Peterson would be a dark entity. He killed his beautiful, pregnant wife one Christmas Eve. He was very nice looking and had everyone fooled. The good news is that you were saved from your father almost killing you. I am so sorry for what you have been through. I pray that you get through these days that affect you so much. Take care.
Community Leadermujicaptsd
mujicaptsd
Thanks, y'all, I cherish early memories of my dad as a missionary before he made any money, and he was the real deal. That's why I went on to be a believer still, even though my parents fell from grace as pastors once they led a megachurch of 3,000 members that corrupted them with money and power. The story of Lucifer himself (Satan) is that he's a fallen angel, meaning he once was an angel in heaven who walked with God there himself.

So as you say I've made it a point to learn from their mistake myself and not to repeat it. There's that lesson that says what does it profit to gain the whole world but to lose your own soul. In May 2021 I signed papers refusing USD$70,000 of their dirty money as my inheritance. Thanks for supporting me in hanging on to my soul, y'all.
jannytheresa
jannytheresa
These churches can be frightening. I see again and again, these "pastors" who profit off the vulnerable. It seems that they tend to prey on vulnerable and impressionable people. Truly fallen angels.
I am sad that you had such a horrific and sad upbringing Muji
Secouya
Secouya
Muji, sorry you had to suffer so much, you are such a wonderful person. Sending you support.
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