Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
This is my opinion and feeling on the subject so I am just sharing my experience in order to be helpful and not to judge or tell anyone else what they should or should not do with thier relationships whether they feel they want to continue on with them or not.
Back in the beginning of April, after a failed attempt at a renewed relationship with my ex boyfriend, and a breakdown in communication, in where I had actually tried to leave the relationship a few times and went back, HE decided to break it off. As I will stand by this statement, " An abuser makes the rules, you follow them, and they continously change. You will never be able to keep up. "
As he decided to break it off, so it was done. Anyway, he got his ex girlfriend back, and she was willing to change some things for him where I wasn't. Even his own friends told me that she was being used.
Ok, getting to my point. I came back to this board for support and was advised...go NO CONTACT. It is the only way to heal.
There are no truer words. A true abuser will use any words, any emotions, any knee-jerk reaction against you, whether positive or negative..they feed off it. It does not benefit you.
After a bit of staying strong, I slipped. He hurt with some words. I went back to NC. I was strong again..I slipped again, and got hurt again.
Well guess what..I stayed strong after and did not contact.
HE contacted. He called last Sunday, I ignored, let the call go to voicemail. Got an email, I ignored that, it was a spam I figured out later, I think his email has a virus as I keep getting them.
Anyway, after an sweet text, I broke. :(
ARGHHH! I texted back saying: Sorry I missed your call, hope school is going well, hug the cat for me.
He texted: I just called to say Hey. I miss you girl.
( I tried to not let that get me) I texted: Got the nuero appt on the specialist you found. Thanks.
( Did not try to show emotion)
He texted: Driving. ttyl
I did not hear back from him all the rest of the week, that was Wed. or the weekend. See what I mean? Thier schedule, thier wants, thier needs.
I decided to try to cut bait. I texted Monday morning.
Are we friends or would you prefer I not contact you anymore?
( Dumbass move on my part, trying to remain friends with him)
He texted back right away.
I will always be your friend and you will always hold a place in my heart. Forever. (By the way, not the first time I have heard this)
I replied: I think I understand. (This is where I tried to use his words against him, something you can not do with an abuser, they will always twist it around.
It is like you told me with her (the ex gf) you do not love (her in his text) but you care about my welfare.
He texted: Dear it will be a long time before I trust another girl with my heart.
then he sent me a photo of him and his cat.
I texted: Well at least you look happy. I made the appmt with that dr but going to have to cancel (I dont drive in traffic) At least I tried.
BAM...my phone rang. I should of let that call go. Nope I answered and guess what?
He talked to me as if we had never had a particularly bad breakup over the phone, no I am sorry for calling you negative, saying you wigg out, for saying your too compassionate, for any bad things he had said..and never brought up her at all.
Then he said, You MUST go to that dr..Oh my, that he had just so happened to have a massive migraine just that weekend, he NEVER had them and almost went to the ER, but suffered with it for an hour..now he understood and no one should have to go through that.
He would take me of course. He had said he would when we set this dr up. He would be willing to meet me that day. Just keep that appmt and he would take care of it.
He had to say all the good things that had taken place of course, another trip he had taken, a new car he had bought (this is a man that owes taxes and has college loans, various prescriptions costs..hmm?
Anyway, of course he had to go, that is his way, a call was coming though and he is a wheeler deeler and you are never as important as that call :)
Anyway, sorry for the length, but the moral of this story is..I made that mistake, and though some would think, well how kind, he is willing to drive you to a dr and as friends only.
A friend returns texts..3 texts later this week, this was monday..no texts have been returned.
See my point? THEY do not change..They do not grow tenderness, compassion, a newfound sense of respect overnight...
Anyway, I wil have to cancel my appmt most likely but, the headaches I will suffer if I keep on with this man..is worth it I suppose.
I am very sorry for the length of this..but if it helped in anyway to show what contact can set you back...than it was worth it.
Love and light, strength and hope to all who need it....
Back in the beginning of April, after a failed attempt at a renewed relationship with my ex boyfriend, and a breakdown in communication, in where I had actually tried to leave the relationship a few times and went back, HE decided to break it off. As I will stand by this statement, " An abuser makes the rules, you follow them, and they continously change. You will never be able to keep up. "
As he decided to break it off, so it was done. Anyway, he got his ex girlfriend back, and she was willing to change some things for him where I wasn't. Even his own friends told me that she was being used.
Ok, getting to my point. I came back to this board for support and was advised...go NO CONTACT. It is the only way to heal.
There are no truer words. A true abuser will use any words, any emotions, any knee-jerk reaction against you, whether positive or negative..they feed off it. It does not benefit you.
After a bit of staying strong, I slipped. He hurt with some words. I went back to NC. I was strong again..I slipped again, and got hurt again.
Well guess what..I stayed strong after and did not contact.
HE contacted. He called last Sunday, I ignored, let the call go to voicemail. Got an email, I ignored that, it was a spam I figured out later, I think his email has a virus as I keep getting them.
Anyway, after an sweet text, I broke. :(
ARGHHH! I texted back saying: Sorry I missed your call, hope school is going well, hug the cat for me.
He texted: I just called to say Hey. I miss you girl.
( I tried to not let that get me) I texted: Got the nuero appt on the specialist you found. Thanks.
( Did not try to show emotion)
He texted: Driving. ttyl
I did not hear back from him all the rest of the week, that was Wed. or the weekend. See what I mean? Thier schedule, thier wants, thier needs.
I decided to try to cut bait. I texted Monday morning.
Are we friends or would you prefer I not contact you anymore?
( Dumbass move on my part, trying to remain friends with him)
He texted back right away.
I will always be your friend and you will always hold a place in my heart. Forever. (By the way, not the first time I have heard this)
I replied: I think I understand. (This is where I tried to use his words against him, something you can not do with an abuser, they will always twist it around.
It is like you told me with her (the ex gf) you do not love (her in his text) but you care about my welfare.
He texted: Dear it will be a long time before I trust another girl with my heart.
then he sent me a photo of him and his cat.
I texted: Well at least you look happy. I made the appmt with that dr but going to have to cancel (I dont drive in traffic) At least I tried.
BAM...my phone rang. I should of let that call go. Nope I answered and guess what?
He talked to me as if we had never had a particularly bad breakup over the phone, no I am sorry for calling you negative, saying you wigg out, for saying your too compassionate, for any bad things he had said..and never brought up her at all.
Then he said, You MUST go to that dr..Oh my, that he had just so happened to have a massive migraine just that weekend, he NEVER had them and almost went to the ER, but suffered with it for an hour..now he understood and no one should have to go through that.
He would take me of course. He had said he would when we set this dr up. He would be willing to meet me that day. Just keep that appmt and he would take care of it.
He had to say all the good things that had taken place of course, another trip he had taken, a new car he had bought (this is a man that owes taxes and has college loans, various prescriptions costs..hmm?
Anyway, of course he had to go, that is his way, a call was coming though and he is a wheeler deeler and you are never as important as that call :)
Anyway, sorry for the length, but the moral of this story is..I made that mistake, and though some would think, well how kind, he is willing to drive you to a dr and as friends only.
A friend returns texts..3 texts later this week, this was monday..no texts have been returned.
See my point? THEY do not change..They do not grow tenderness, compassion, a newfound sense of respect overnight...
Anyway, I wil have to cancel my appmt most likely but, the headaches I will suffer if I keep on with this man..is worth it I suppose.
I am very sorry for the length of this..but if it helped in anyway to show what contact can set you back...than it was worth it.
Love and light, strength and hope to all who need it....
The abuse was RIGHT there. He was so nasty in a matter of minutes when he couldn't get his way and come over. It was wild. I mean seriously? Who talks to people like that? lol. I honestly laughed at him and told him that.
After I hung up, it made me realize why I felt so bad about myself until recently. Being around THAT for 4 years would make anyone feel bad about themself. It was a good reminder for me.
And I did notice today that the things he said were sifting through my head... lame. So glad I hung up and blocked that number he called from too. I am learning quickly these days. If they find a way to sneak in... cut it off quick.
I am honesly amazed I put up with that crap for so long.
I mean, I still miss him, but I realize FULLY now that I miss a fantasy I made up. He is seriously ill.
It is like the classic pattern of when they lose you they will:
Threaten you, stalk you, harass you, promise to change, be kind, when that doesn't work, they will use the children (in his case his children, if that doesn't work, they will use an ex girlfriend or new girlfriend, if that doesnt work, they will use silence or ignore you, if that doesn't work, they will start over.
The last ex uses these patterns somewhat but his are more predictable. He has an ex girlfriend that he goes back to when things blow up and he basically uses her. When he tires of his honeymoon period he will initiate contact again. It fell flat on him though when I figured it out and really could care less about wanting him back. I don't care to get any STD's or share a man knowingly.
So I would imagine he is now sharing his exes time with another "new" victim.
Sadly, he has done this for years, ever since he was a teenager. He left home like he said, but not at 15, at 17 and he was not abused (his story) he left of his own free will as he wanted to do drugs and live with a older woman. He told me he lived on the streets. He came back of course and had to follow thier rules. I do feel she is telling the truth as I have seen photos of lots of "toys" he has, dirtbikes, nice clothes and such.
She has an immaculate home and he comes from money, I know this as he barely works and goes to only two college classes, he can't maintain anymore than that with his addictions.
She told me he is basically a con man and she hates to say it as he is her son and she loves him but does not like what he does. He fools everyone and has had some of the sweetest women, including his ex wife.
He lied about her cheating, even how long they dated and the ex he keeps taking back? Well he was cheating with her while with his wife. :(
So although it was hard talking to his Mom, it verified what I already suspected and helped me to realize that he is what and who he is and will most likely never change. I even asked her, do you feel he loves this woman he keeps around? She said he hurts her most of all. She changes for him all the time and he keeps gaining new women and seeing her on the sly, how is that love?
She told me that I had done the best thing for myself by being true to me, walking away and staying away this time. That to not let him suck me back in. That I would find a man that was worthy of me.
There was a validation that came to me through this. While I do not recommend contact with an abusers family or friends, in this case, his Mother and his best female friend, both verified that he is a womanizer, that he has issues that he is not going to resolve beside cheating even and that they will remain by him as they love him, but that he is not healthy.
So I have now changed my phone number and neither abusive ex will be able to contact me.
Hoping to start towards healing me now..and staying strong.
I struggle greatly with NC, I panic sometimes when I cant hear his voice, or receive a message from him, but I need to keep it up or I will never get over him, will never be free from him
He tried to recant later, saying I had made him angry, but that is a statement you really cannot take back. An eight year old little girl does nothing to deserve "it."
The last abuser has actually sent me video pornography of women submitting to men and it is pretty degrading, graphic and I knew he had issues, but we never watched or viewed porn together. I never even found it in his house. One of the last times I stayed, he left his closet open and I seen a stack of magazines, I was a bit surprised but figured it was his business. He never made it mine, until he sent that video.
I did not get it until I just got a new phone and the video was actually viewable. I wish it had not have been. :(
Had I been able to watch it prior on my other phone, I would of gotten away sooner, the violence in the video I take as a warning. It is a blackmail-rape-YOU are mine type thing, and I took it for what I feel he was putting out to me. A woman is an object to be used, then discarded, until he needs her again, she is HIS property, to be violated how he sees fit.
I feel he was hiding a sexual sadist that never really came out with me and I am lucky. When he used to tell me, Honey, Love hurts, he really meant it.
He used to like to leave little bruises and did not like me to tan and "playful, bite marks, pinches and such. He was not a tender man lets just say.
I am glad I never took it any further and trusted him with "drugs" or "kinky" ideas. After watching that video he sent, he may have took it way past "hurt."
I hope I did not trigger anyone or disgust anyone, but I just want this to be a warning! These emotionally abusive, mentally abusive men can turn violent, and there is a dark place in them. They hide a toxic side deep inside and it has to unleash somewhere. I did not live with this man and did not date him for very long at a time or even go every weekend to see him. Who knows what is possible with a "predatory" person like this if you see him for any length of time or go back time and time again?
Please be safe regardless of your choice to contact or refrain from contact. We often think of just the repercussions of what these men do to our emotions and mindset. They also have the capability to harm us physically.
I have to now protect myself, as far as I am concerned this last man has bumped up as a threat in my mind. Any man that thinks its cool to send his girlfriend at the time a "forced sexual act" video has upped the threat level.
Be safe out there all...Love and light.
It is like a true Jekyll and Hyde. Even his own mother says he has people fooled and she can't believe how they buy into his act. It is like watching an actor who is rehearsing his lines over and over only she really knows how it will play out.
She just kept saying it is like there is something missing in him and she was just so sorry.
She said she still wished she could contact his ex wife and reach out but it was best to let her be, he had done so much damage to her.
All I can say is to try to look at the long term of what YOU want for you...of what YOU deserve for you. These men are not good enough for any of us, and they do not value us. They belong in our Past, not our present and definately not our future.
Hugs and strength going out to all.
All I wanted to say is that the shame and embarrassment is NOT yours to carry. Even as you write it, you say that you are shamed and embarrassed by what THEY turned out to be. That's theirs to carry, not yours.
Take care and keep moving forward.
You know, I am even afraid to put a photo up on here, not that I feel he would really stalk me that way, but I guess he has just gotten in my head is all.
By the way, I hear and see so many intelligent and attractive women on here, hoping no one takes that wrong, I just hope that the esteem that these abusers take away is found again. It is tragic what they do to all of us. :(
I hope to keep moving forward and keeping strong.
I left in a flurry last nite to avoid him. We live together. Of course he begged me not to leave, says he cares, values me yet he wanted the "living arrangement" 2 months ago. I've been on edge, finally said ENOUGH. My first instinct was to move as soon as he "dumped" me.
Sadly we make these mistakes but we do learn from them and glad you did.
It is all just words. I have always liked the saying ACTION NOT WORDS. To me these abusers are not capable of actions, unless it benefits them in some way, only words and then they only use them to confuse us and draw us back in or hurt us and throw us away once again.
Trust your instinct and gut always. Had I trusted mine, I would not have dated at least two of these men, one it took 3 months to get a date and It was kind of like a guilt trip date. The last it took 7 months of emailing, chatting and texting/talking to agree to a public date and then 2 more..I even had an aversion to him then. He is not unattractive, he dresses nice, he even has a silver tongue quite honestly, i told him that once..it was my gut..screaming stay away! I should of listened.. I will next time and the past is exactly that now to me..the past.
My mental, emotional and (with some of these men) physical well being depends on me leaving them in the past.
Strength to all on here...
Ironic that I sent mine an email last week, laid out what I wanted to try to help make things work (yes, I will admit my flaws but I was taking too much blame). Then he texts about that a couple days ago (from the other room), said it meant alot to him, left the house & never heard from him for 6 hours.
That was the last straw. My text back was that his actions didn't show my email meant enough to him as he said it did. So of course I send the follow up email that I'm DONE, cannot do this anymore.
Geez, no wonder the doo hit the fan yesterday!
No they don't. Not overnight in a month year or even a lifetime. They are what they are, abusers. That's all. responding to them only gives them hope and keeps the torture going. If not immediately, very soon after.