Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
This is my opinion and feeling on the subject so I am just sharing my experience in order to be helpful and not to judge or tell anyone else what they should or should not do with thier relationships whether they feel they want to continue on with them or not.
Back in the beginning of April, after a failed attempt at a renewed relationship with my ex boyfriend, and a breakdown in communication, in where I had actually tried to leave the relationship a few times and went back, HE decided to break it off. As I will stand by this statement, " An abuser makes the rules, you follow them, and they continously change. You will never be able to keep up. "
As he decided to break it off, so it was done. Anyway, he got his ex girlfriend back, and she was willing to change some things for him where I wasn't. Even his own friends told me that she was being used.
Ok, getting to my point. I came back to this board for support and was advised...go NO CONTACT. It is the only way to heal.
There are no truer words. A true abuser will use any words, any emotions, any knee-jerk reaction against you, whether positive or negative..they feed off it. It does not benefit you.
After a bit of staying strong, I slipped. He hurt with some words. I went back to NC. I was strong again..I slipped again, and got hurt again.
Well guess what..I stayed strong after and did not contact.
HE contacted. He called last Sunday, I ignored, let the call go to voicemail. Got an email, I ignored that, it was a spam I figured out later, I think his email has a virus as I keep getting them.
Anyway, after an sweet text, I broke. :(
ARGHHH! I texted back saying: Sorry I missed your call, hope school is going well, hug the cat for me.
He texted: I just called to say Hey. I miss you girl.
( I tried to not let that get me) I texted: Got the nuero appt on the specialist you found. Thanks.
( Did not try to show emotion)
He texted: Driving. ttyl
I did not hear back from him all the rest of the week, that was Wed. or the weekend. See what I mean? Thier schedule, thier wants, thier needs.
I decided to try to cut bait. I texted Monday morning.
Are we friends or would you prefer I not contact you anymore?
( Dumbass move on my part, trying to remain friends with him)
He texted back right away.
I will always be your friend and you will always hold a place in my heart. Forever. (By the way, not the first time I have heard this)
I replied: I think I understand. (This is where I tried to use his words against him, something you can not do with an abuser, they will always twist it around.
It is like you told me with her (the ex gf) you do not love (her in his text) but you care about my welfare.
He texted: Dear it will be a long time before I trust another girl with my heart.
then he sent me a photo of him and his cat.
I texted: Well at least you look happy. I made the appmt with that dr but going to have to cancel (I dont drive in traffic) At least I tried.
BAM...my phone rang. I should of let that call go. Nope I answered and guess what?
He talked to me as if we had never had a particularly bad breakup over the phone, no I am sorry for calling you negative, saying you wigg out, for saying your too compassionate, for any bad things he had said..and never brought up her at all.
Then he said, You MUST go to that dr..Oh my, that he had just so happened to have a massive migraine just that weekend, he NEVER had them and almost went to the ER, but suffered with it for an hour..now he understood and no one should have to go through that.
He would take me of course. He had said he would when we set this dr up. He would be willing to meet me that day. Just keep that appmt and he would take care of it.
He had to say all the good things that had taken place of course, another trip he had taken, a new car he had bought (this is a man that owes taxes and has college loans, various prescriptions costs..hmm?
Anyway, of course he had to go, that is his way, a call was coming though and he is a wheeler deeler and you are never as important as that call :)
Anyway, sorry for the length, but the moral of this story is..I made that mistake, and though some would think, well how kind, he is willing to drive you to a dr and as friends only.
A friend returns texts..3 texts later this week, this was monday..no texts have been returned.
See my point? THEY do not change..They do not grow tenderness, compassion, a newfound sense of respect overnight...
Anyway, I wil have to cancel my appmt most likely but, the headaches I will suffer if I keep on with this man..is worth it I suppose.
I am very sorry for the length of this..but if it helped in anyway to show what contact can set you back...than it was worth it.
Love and light, strength and hope to all who need it....
Back in the beginning of April, after a failed attempt at a renewed relationship with my ex boyfriend, and a breakdown in communication, in where I had actually tried to leave the relationship a few times and went back, HE decided to break it off. As I will stand by this statement, " An abuser makes the rules, you follow them, and they continously change. You will never be able to keep up. "
As he decided to break it off, so it was done. Anyway, he got his ex girlfriend back, and she was willing to change some things for him where I wasn't. Even his own friends told me that she was being used.
Ok, getting to my point. I came back to this board for support and was advised...go NO CONTACT. It is the only way to heal.
There are no truer words. A true abuser will use any words, any emotions, any knee-jerk reaction against you, whether positive or negative..they feed off it. It does not benefit you.
After a bit of staying strong, I slipped. He hurt with some words. I went back to NC. I was strong again..I slipped again, and got hurt again.
Well guess what..I stayed strong after and did not contact.
HE contacted. He called last Sunday, I ignored, let the call go to voicemail. Got an email, I ignored that, it was a spam I figured out later, I think his email has a virus as I keep getting them.
Anyway, after an sweet text, I broke. :(
ARGHHH! I texted back saying: Sorry I missed your call, hope school is going well, hug the cat for me.
He texted: I just called to say Hey. I miss you girl.
( I tried to not let that get me) I texted: Got the nuero appt on the specialist you found. Thanks.
( Did not try to show emotion)
He texted: Driving. ttyl
I did not hear back from him all the rest of the week, that was Wed. or the weekend. See what I mean? Thier schedule, thier wants, thier needs.
I decided to try to cut bait. I texted Monday morning.
Are we friends or would you prefer I not contact you anymore?
( Dumbass move on my part, trying to remain friends with him)
He texted back right away.
I will always be your friend and you will always hold a place in my heart. Forever. (By the way, not the first time I have heard this)
I replied: I think I understand. (This is where I tried to use his words against him, something you can not do with an abuser, they will always twist it around.
It is like you told me with her (the ex gf) you do not love (her in his text) but you care about my welfare.
He texted: Dear it will be a long time before I trust another girl with my heart.
then he sent me a photo of him and his cat.
I texted: Well at least you look happy. I made the appmt with that dr but going to have to cancel (I dont drive in traffic) At least I tried.
BAM...my phone rang. I should of let that call go. Nope I answered and guess what?
He talked to me as if we had never had a particularly bad breakup over the phone, no I am sorry for calling you negative, saying you wigg out, for saying your too compassionate, for any bad things he had said..and never brought up her at all.
Then he said, You MUST go to that dr..Oh my, that he had just so happened to have a massive migraine just that weekend, he NEVER had them and almost went to the ER, but suffered with it for an hour..now he understood and no one should have to go through that.
He would take me of course. He had said he would when we set this dr up. He would be willing to meet me that day. Just keep that appmt and he would take care of it.
He had to say all the good things that had taken place of course, another trip he had taken, a new car he had bought (this is a man that owes taxes and has college loans, various prescriptions costs..hmm?
Anyway, of course he had to go, that is his way, a call was coming though and he is a wheeler deeler and you are never as important as that call :)
Anyway, sorry for the length, but the moral of this story is..I made that mistake, and though some would think, well how kind, he is willing to drive you to a dr and as friends only.
A friend returns texts..3 texts later this week, this was monday..no texts have been returned.
See my point? THEY do not change..They do not grow tenderness, compassion, a newfound sense of respect overnight...
Anyway, I wil have to cancel my appmt most likely but, the headaches I will suffer if I keep on with this man..is worth it I suppose.
I am very sorry for the length of this..but if it helped in anyway to show what contact can set you back...than it was worth it.
Love and light, strength and hope to all who need it....
Mine has not tried to contact me at all.... except to get "his" phone back that he bought for me....
I honestly don't think he will try to contact me just for the simple fact that he can delete someone out of his life like a keystroke on the keyboard... he just simply doesn't care.... and that hurts me deply knowing what I have done and sacrificed for and to be with him... but after reading all of these posts I am starting to really be thankful.... maybe he will just disappear like i pray for every day.... go back to where you belong cause you dont belong here...
I don't know if I could have the strenght that all of you do....
God Bless and you all are truly an inspiration!!!!
I wish you the same blessing!
As for FB, I had to block my ex not because he was trying to contact me but because I couldn't stop myself checking out his page and guessing things, in the way you describe. Also, he kept being suggested by FB as a friend ... um ... no thanks. So I blocked him - I now don't see his ugly mug turning up on my screen as a suggested friend, and I can't look at his page. And nor do I even want to any more.
Always, always, always listen to your gut. I never did, because I didn't trust my own judgment. And that only got worse as I went from one bad relationship to a worse one, to a worse one still. I felt that all PROVED I have terrible judgment and shouldn't trust myself. But when I really analysed what I'd done, I got into those relationships and let them go on way too long, precisely because I had NOT listened to my gut, had NOT trusted my judgment. Not making that mistake again.
And yes, once again you nailed why they blame us for everything. Firstly, they are projecting their own issues. When an abuser accuses you of doing or being something, it's nearly always how they actually view themselves - it's something they think they are or something they either do or would do in your shoes.
LostHope you had mentioned he bought you a phone? Please be safe that he does not use any information you may have had in it to hurt you. Hoping you cleared any contacts out of the phone, texts etc...
I was in a wreck while seeing my ex and oddly enough, my brand new blackberry cell phone disappeared!
Only two people had access to my truck besides the firefighters, emt and state patrol that helped me in the accident, and it was the ONLY thing that came up MISSING. Hmmmm. One was a now ex friend, not sure that I trust her either, but as she picked me up from the hospital, she would be pretty ballsy to take the phone out of the vehicle while getting my things from it for me while I was with her and hide it.
The ex actually went to the salvage yard while I was not with him and they were closed, went over the fence, and accessed my vehicle to get an odeometer reading for my insurance company. Perfectly exusable in his mind as IT HAD TO BE DONE.
So who knows what he may have found left in the vehicle, perhaps wedged somewhere?
I am not saying the phone could not have been lost in the ditch, but I was taken out there by my brother and never found it with the other things in the ditch and my sister in llaw who went the day after never found it...odd?!!
I cancelled the chip and will always wonder WHO took that phone, but just be very safe with ANY information on your phone.
They are BOTH now blocked..all I can do. I had the ex gf's friends as friends, following my posts on there, and finally put two and two together, I got rid of them as well.
FB can be used against you as well to get information. Be careful all.
You are right about they project thier issues onto you. That way they never have to focus on themselves.
I just wanted to say you worded this so well:
"So no calls, no expectation, no anticipation, anything. Pece.
I have a time to work on myself, get him out of my system, became stronger me.
Sure I miss him now and then, but then I thing about Protection Order, No Contact and my Pride.
I'm already almost 7 month without contact. I still have over 5 months to go (I hope, after that I'll be strong enough to ignore his existance).
If I did NC right after I broke up with him for the first time, I will not waste 2 more years on rollercoaster ride.
Ladies, stay strong and keep your fingers crossed for me also. "
Fingers and toes crossed for you and everyone on here that needs it.
before that he was harrasing me with phones, e-mails, unexpected visits, ..............you name it.
He called me ugly names, shut the door to my place and moment later start calling and messages (from really offending one to sweet etc, etc.) After few days of Non responding, I always gave in.
Only, to get more abuse ( he would say."I'm going to date younger women now, I'm going to f...k soandso)
Horrible.......sweet one day, declaring his love for me and completely disrespecting me, when he didn't get his wish.
Abuse got worst and worst, until that fateful evening seven months ago, when during the argument, he hit me on my face saying "take that and never call me again" with most malicious smile on his face. I fell, hit my had on the wall and he left me there, went to my fridge, got some stuff from it and left. he left and the moment door close, he start calling me again. All same thing.
After I've got myself from the floor (it took me several hours), I told myself "No more, how low you can go -I'm on the ground already".
I called police, file for protection order and got it.
That's my story.
Every woman, who need it - should do that w/o eye blinking.
What we all fear---violence...didn't "end" his behavior, but rather became an addition to the same old stuff. Good to know. Really. They are who they are and it's just a matter of us CHOOSING to be in their world. I say this on here, because I have to remind myself---almost daily---even now while the papers are filed and I've lived away for a year.
Your strength becomes our strength.
Blessings.
You forgive them from the bottom of your hear, take at least half of responsibility of everything they have done and?
Instead your good heart, good will - abuser will see only your weakness. He thinks "She forgive me once, she will do it again. She can't live w/o me etc. "
That's why violence escalate.
We all know only too well, that when abuse you once - they will do again and again.
No contact ladies, it will protect you also from generosity of your heart (when you have one of those week moments, that you want to pick up that receiver).
My abuser didn't expect me to call police, he didn't expect me to go to court and didn't expect me to cut him off completely.
I think, this is my closure and sweet revange -NO CONTACT- I'm not saying anything, but he hear me alright, like I was screeming from the top of my lungs. NO CONTACT - means no more abuse, no more disrespect, no more false promisses, no more lies, no more crying. It is difficult, but can be done and is extremelly rewarding. After a while, something will shift in you, and you realize, that you really don't care anymore. It's liberating. It is road to our better Tomorrow, road to our freedom.
I love all of you, you have all helped me so much!!!
BRAVO hishu!
"No contact ladies, it will protect you also from generosity of your heart"
Words of wisdom---hishu. Thank you.
You are so right...and you are right about "screaming from the top of your lungs" with no words. Brilliant. It's the only way to come out on top.
Thank you for the inspiration today. ;)
( I did notice that he had started using Please call me and Thanks Babe, but he calls friends that are women babe and waitresses and such Babe so that very well could be just a habit that he doesn't realize he does)
I texted this morning this trying to be fair but not give any impressions that I need him to do any favors or we are getting back together.
Me: Was away from phone last night. If your calling about the appmt it has been taken care of. ( did not want to give him any information on this on who was taking me) Appreciate that you offered and thank you. Hope you got the meds you needed to start getting sleep. Take care.
He replied right away: Ok ttyl
So I am hoping I was fair but objective, firm but not ignorant? I realize he has left me hanging many times, he does not play fair,but I am not him. I also realize that the abuser will always make his own rules, but I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt in this case, as I had to stop the calls and feel that with this text he immediately texted back, he perhaps was honestly just trying to make sure that I went to the nuerologist and was going to do me that favor?
Soooo, maybe this is the end of it, and though I know we cannot be friends in the normal sense of the word, I hopefully ended this civilly and can restablish NC with no further problems.
Wishing everyone strength, love and light...
Hoping that the weekend goes by smoothly and I keep busy and keep my mind off of him and his reasons for things. Hoping next week brings positive changes my way..hair appmt Monday, color, cut and style, spray tan and perhaps with a new outside can help with a new inside?
Neuro appmt as well and get a handle on my migraines and work on my health..start walking a bit too on the less humid days.
Thanks for reading and for any support.