Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
This is my opinion and feeling on the subject so I am just sharing my experience in order to be helpful and not to judge or tell anyone else what they should or should not do with thier relationships whether they feel they want to continue on with them or not.
Back in the beginning of April, after a failed attempt at a renewed relationship with my ex boyfriend, and a breakdown in communication, in where I had actually tried to leave the relationship a few times and went back, HE decided to break it off. As I will stand by this statement, " An abuser makes the rules, you follow them, and they continously change. You will never be able to keep up. "
As he decided to break it off, so it was done. Anyway, he got his ex girlfriend back, and she was willing to change some things for him where I wasn't. Even his own friends told me that she was being used.
Ok, getting to my point. I came back to this board for support and was advised...go NO CONTACT. It is the only way to heal.
There are no truer words. A true abuser will use any words, any emotions, any knee-jerk reaction against you, whether positive or negative..they feed off it. It does not benefit you.
After a bit of staying strong, I slipped. He hurt with some words. I went back to NC. I was strong again..I slipped again, and got hurt again.
Well guess what..I stayed strong after and did not contact.
HE contacted. He called last Sunday, I ignored, let the call go to voicemail. Got an email, I ignored that, it was a spam I figured out later, I think his email has a virus as I keep getting them.
Anyway, after an sweet text, I broke. :(
ARGHHH! I texted back saying: Sorry I missed your call, hope school is going well, hug the cat for me.
He texted: I just called to say Hey. I miss you girl.
( I tried to not let that get me) I texted: Got the nuero appt on the specialist you found. Thanks.
( Did not try to show emotion)
He texted: Driving. ttyl
I did not hear back from him all the rest of the week, that was Wed. or the weekend. See what I mean? Thier schedule, thier wants, thier needs.
I decided to try to cut bait. I texted Monday morning.
Are we friends or would you prefer I not contact you anymore?
( Dumbass move on my part, trying to remain friends with him)
He texted back right away.
I will always be your friend and you will always hold a place in my heart. Forever. (By the way, not the first time I have heard this)
I replied: I think I understand. (This is where I tried to use his words against him, something you can not do with an abuser, they will always twist it around.
It is like you told me with her (the ex gf) you do not love (her in his text) but you care about my welfare.
He texted: Dear it will be a long time before I trust another girl with my heart.
then he sent me a photo of him and his cat.
I texted: Well at least you look happy. I made the appmt with that dr but going to have to cancel (I dont drive in traffic) At least I tried.
BAM...my phone rang. I should of let that call go. Nope I answered and guess what?
He talked to me as if we had never had a particularly bad breakup over the phone, no I am sorry for calling you negative, saying you wigg out, for saying your too compassionate, for any bad things he had said..and never brought up her at all.
Then he said, You MUST go to that dr..Oh my, that he had just so happened to have a massive migraine just that weekend, he NEVER had them and almost went to the ER, but suffered with it for an hour..now he understood and no one should have to go through that.
He would take me of course. He had said he would when we set this dr up. He would be willing to meet me that day. Just keep that appmt and he would take care of it.
He had to say all the good things that had taken place of course, another trip he had taken, a new car he had bought (this is a man that owes taxes and has college loans, various prescriptions costs..hmm?
Anyway, of course he had to go, that is his way, a call was coming though and he is a wheeler deeler and you are never as important as that call :)
Anyway, sorry for the length, but the moral of this story is..I made that mistake, and though some would think, well how kind, he is willing to drive you to a dr and as friends only.
A friend returns texts..3 texts later this week, this was monday..no texts have been returned.
See my point? THEY do not change..They do not grow tenderness, compassion, a newfound sense of respect overnight...
Anyway, I wil have to cancel my appmt most likely but, the headaches I will suffer if I keep on with this man..is worth it I suppose.
I am very sorry for the length of this..but if it helped in anyway to show what contact can set you back...than it was worth it.
Love and light, strength and hope to all who need it....
Back in the beginning of April, after a failed attempt at a renewed relationship with my ex boyfriend, and a breakdown in communication, in where I had actually tried to leave the relationship a few times and went back, HE decided to break it off. As I will stand by this statement, " An abuser makes the rules, you follow them, and they continously change. You will never be able to keep up. "
As he decided to break it off, so it was done. Anyway, he got his ex girlfriend back, and she was willing to change some things for him where I wasn't. Even his own friends told me that she was being used.
Ok, getting to my point. I came back to this board for support and was advised...go NO CONTACT. It is the only way to heal.
There are no truer words. A true abuser will use any words, any emotions, any knee-jerk reaction against you, whether positive or negative..they feed off it. It does not benefit you.
After a bit of staying strong, I slipped. He hurt with some words. I went back to NC. I was strong again..I slipped again, and got hurt again.
Well guess what..I stayed strong after and did not contact.
HE contacted. He called last Sunday, I ignored, let the call go to voicemail. Got an email, I ignored that, it was a spam I figured out later, I think his email has a virus as I keep getting them.
Anyway, after an sweet text, I broke. :(
ARGHHH! I texted back saying: Sorry I missed your call, hope school is going well, hug the cat for me.
He texted: I just called to say Hey. I miss you girl.
( I tried to not let that get me) I texted: Got the nuero appt on the specialist you found. Thanks.
( Did not try to show emotion)
He texted: Driving. ttyl
I did not hear back from him all the rest of the week, that was Wed. or the weekend. See what I mean? Thier schedule, thier wants, thier needs.
I decided to try to cut bait. I texted Monday morning.
Are we friends or would you prefer I not contact you anymore?
( Dumbass move on my part, trying to remain friends with him)
He texted back right away.
I will always be your friend and you will always hold a place in my heart. Forever. (By the way, not the first time I have heard this)
I replied: I think I understand. (This is where I tried to use his words against him, something you can not do with an abuser, they will always twist it around.
It is like you told me with her (the ex gf) you do not love (her in his text) but you care about my welfare.
He texted: Dear it will be a long time before I trust another girl with my heart.
then he sent me a photo of him and his cat.
I texted: Well at least you look happy. I made the appmt with that dr but going to have to cancel (I dont drive in traffic) At least I tried.
BAM...my phone rang. I should of let that call go. Nope I answered and guess what?
He talked to me as if we had never had a particularly bad breakup over the phone, no I am sorry for calling you negative, saying you wigg out, for saying your too compassionate, for any bad things he had said..and never brought up her at all.
Then he said, You MUST go to that dr..Oh my, that he had just so happened to have a massive migraine just that weekend, he NEVER had them and almost went to the ER, but suffered with it for an hour..now he understood and no one should have to go through that.
He would take me of course. He had said he would when we set this dr up. He would be willing to meet me that day. Just keep that appmt and he would take care of it.
He had to say all the good things that had taken place of course, another trip he had taken, a new car he had bought (this is a man that owes taxes and has college loans, various prescriptions costs..hmm?
Anyway, of course he had to go, that is his way, a call was coming though and he is a wheeler deeler and you are never as important as that call :)
Anyway, sorry for the length, but the moral of this story is..I made that mistake, and though some would think, well how kind, he is willing to drive you to a dr and as friends only.
A friend returns texts..3 texts later this week, this was monday..no texts have been returned.
See my point? THEY do not change..They do not grow tenderness, compassion, a newfound sense of respect overnight...
Anyway, I wil have to cancel my appmt most likely but, the headaches I will suffer if I keep on with this man..is worth it I suppose.
I am very sorry for the length of this..but if it helped in anyway to show what contact can set you back...than it was worth it.
Love and light, strength and hope to all who need it....
No, they do not change, everything will be on their terms, even when they are trying to win us back - they manipulate us into needing them - you can see it in your story.
Return to NC. Its the ONLY way to move on. If you feel the need to contact him, post on here, write a journal, read your index cards, go for a walk, anything rather than contact him He is an abuser, your abuser. Keep away from him in every way. We are all here for you, stay safe and take care
I am not sure if anyone else is like this, but I can have the simplest thing trigger me at times, especially when I am stressed from work, or sick. I have had a flu bug for over a week and that is when you so wish you had the person you "Thought" they were ya know in the beginning, the one that doted on you, to cuddle with and be there with you. :(
I can be watching T.V. and things remind me of him, or a person that looks like him, says something he would or just the silliest things, songs that played when we were together..I can't even stand to listen to now..
Jeez, this has been almost 3 months already, I thought I was stronger than this. He is doing just fine. ARGH.
Im not sure how long it will take me to stop feeling this way, but, I was in an abusive relationship before, so I know its possible to get over it, with the right support and self help.
When my first abusive relationship ended (it was a five year, turbulant and often extremely violent relationship), I thought I would die form the grief. I didnt, I got over him.
What I didnt do was learn from the experience. I am determined to do that this time. I would rather be on my own for the rest of my life than be in another abusive relationship.
Im working on myself, researching, filling my days, concentrating on important stuff - its time for me to move on from toxic men, and I will do, but properly this time
They don't ever change.... I love the part where you said everything is when they want it to be and that is absolutely the truth.... I couldnt even get my belongings out of his house until he wanted me to.... everything he had to have control over... I was always on pins and needles when I was with him and that is not the way to live.....
I don't know how people can be like that... why would you want to control another human being, why would you want to treat someone so badly........
I love your strength and honesty keep it up!!!
best of luck!!!
I seem to not be able to learn either. I tend to repeat patterns. I was talking with a friend about this and think it could be due in part to my abusive childhood, low self esteem, not setting boundaries, enabling behaviour, the need to fix people rather than focus on myself. I can see the problem, but I still get into the situation. I could sometimes just "slap" my own self for my ignorance.
Although, believe me, the best of these abusers will play you so well in the beginning that by the time you even have doubts, your so far in that you are doubting yourself.
It is like they feel you out for the things you are weak in, or you crave in life..and they offer them to you? They almost can become your "lifeline" and in doing so become your "deathgrip".
I can't find the words, but I had a 13 year relationship with my ex husband and though honestly I will never love anyone as I did that man, he never hurt me like anyone since. He was honest, fair and to my knowledge the ONLY man that has not cheated on me.
He just was very emotionally distant and I feel had severe depression. I often wonder if we could of gotten help? He has never remarried, nor I.
Anyway, I agree, I spend my time alone and do not date because of these experiences as well. I do have a select few friends, but they live to far away to be supportive other than via internet or phone. Hoping to gain some self esteem, confidance and join something like MEET UP and maybe make new friends.
I am trying to stay strong. Somedays I feel pretty strong and try to encourage and support here when I can and on facebook with inspirational posts to people who are feeling down for various reasons. I mean, like today, a mutual friend was asking for prayers for a child with cancer that she actually knows..he is very, very ill and not improving...
I got to thinking and I thought..You know..here is this very young boy who is going through this, who am I? I do hurt, but I have my health, and I am able to work and support myself. I am able to help my friends when needed. I will get through this..
This too shall pass.
Hugs to you, wishing you brighter days ahead.
If you talk to them, they will:
*Try to suck you back in.
*Make you believe it's your fault.
*Make you feel like you need to please them (you don't - this is just them lowering your self-esteem).
*Make you confused.
*Make you doubt yourself.
*Make you believe you need them (you dont!).
*Trigger your ptsd.
If you look at their facebook/pictures/see them with their friends/girlfriends/kids, without talking to them, you will:
*Remember the good times and forget the bad times.
*Remember the daydreams you had of him/her being different than he actually is.
*See only their public face (the fake "I'm a good guy" face that they put on).
*Wonder why they don't treat her bad like they treated you bad (they will, once they suck her in and behind closed doors).
*Wonder if you could have made it work (you couldn't! you can't make it work with someone who is damaged the way they are)
*Make you wonder if it was all your fault.
I'm sure there's more but this is just the few things I can think of.
The last call was him asking to meet with me face to face. LMAO. I called him back and said, UM NO. I'm not going to meet with you. He started with the stuff that used to engage me. But I hung up. So he can talk to the hand, LOL.
They never change. if you are out 10 years and run into them, they will stillllllll try to suck you in. So, please, stay No Contact. It's the only way.
Sometimes, we simply have to figure it out on our own. No harm in that. It's how human beings learn. At least you know its pointless to speak to the man for any reason! Some people never find that out. So....KUDOS!!! to that!
As for that thinking of him when you're lonely or sick....its not uncommon at all. Even people who haven't been abused experience that. Human beings were pretty much designed to be community creatures....not solitary. It's in our nature to yearn for the company of others, most especially someone that was technically our "mate". And our minds will access the most recent memories first....so of course you think of him.
My best suggestion....begin NOW to nurture yourself. Make YOU your best source of comfort. I'm not saying its easy, but it will go a long way towards ridding yourself of that painful loneliness and also build trust in yourself, which will serve you well in the future.
I have had exactly the same issues. Now, after 3 abusive long-term relationships, I have finally done some work on facing and fixing those issues. I am regularly practicing setting - and maintaining - boundaries, on not trying to "fix" other people. And it's working. I have had a few "friendships" fall apart because of it, but rather than feel sad about the losses, I feel liberated because I realise they were never actually friends, they never actually respected me. And for the first time in my life, I actually know what it means and feels like to be shown genuine respect. And I am learning to walk away from others' problems - sure, I'm there to help in any way they want, but I'm not there to solve, I'm not taking responsibility for their problems any more. And I have done a lot of work on self-esteem, which is also helping.
I'm still very much a work in progress, none of this stuff is easy and it's not like I just one day "decided" that's how I want to be and then I was. But it's worth doing. I think now that, even if I did get hoodwinked again (because you are right in that too, that they can hide their true nature), even if I got attached again, I would have enough self-respect to walk away at the beginning of the abuse, rather than try to fix it or to blame myself for it as I've done in the past.
Oh and back to the topic ... no contact clears the head and stops them being able to manipulate us. As you so rightly say, they will ALWAYS set the rules and the agenda, and will delight in changing the rules and the agenda as soon as you start to follow them. And all of a sudden you are right back into chasing your own tail and wondering what you did wrong. To him, you will always be on his backburner. But if you stick with no contact, he can have that fantasy on his own.
It's also interesting to note just how many of them cut us off - punishing us by silence - but if we actually have the audacity to "call their bluff" and not chase them, all of a sudden they are chasing us again. And it never ends. I have no contact with my first H, we split 14 years ago, and yet every now and then he will attempt contact again, and try the very same manipulative crap he was doing throughout our relationship. My best guess is he does this whenever his current marriage is feeling a bit rocky - so he tests the waters on whether he can soften me up again. Ugh.
Nuff ramble - don't beat yourself up over the contact, congratulate yourself for learning the lesson from it, and from having the courage to use that experience to help others.
If you talk to them they will: *Make you confused.
*Make you doubt yourself.
*Make you believe you need them (you dont!).
*Trigger your ptsd.
WOW..this is exactly what he did to me. I have not heard from him since the conversation and I expect not to until Sunday evening or possibly even a day or so before the actual Drs appt to check and verify the time and where we should meet. ;)
I also have a feeling he is doing this thinking he has me "trapped" as he knows I don't drive in traffic and he is my only recourse. So he does not have to put any effort into contacting me for the time being, I "need" him. What HE does NOT know is that I have made alternate plans and he is not needed to drive me now.
:)
Oh and the facebook thing..it drives me crazy..I have to make myself take breaks..sometimes I even deactivate it. :( His girlfriend he keeps on/off with is on it and I look at her page though it shows no posts, only friends and I overthink. I look at his and he has never really posted other than stuff to my wall, and songs to my wall, of course he could change his settings to keep things he posts to other girls blocked or hidden from me somehow? Not sure.
Facebook in times of weakness is a headscrewer in itself with someone like me who tends to overthink and overanalyze everything. :(
Yes, your correct, they do seem to love the chase. The one I was with for over 2 years that used his children chased me for months to even get a date, just like this last one. He actually chatted online, emailed with me for 5-6 months and took another month of texting/phone conversation to even agree to a few public dates. If I would of followed my intiution, the little voice that kept telling me there was something that kept me from agreeing to a date with him for so long..I would not have been burnt yet again.
This last one, I ignored so many red flags..even my own friends who have issues with recreational drugs and alcohol ( I am distancing myself from them, to casual acquainances due to trying to work on me) tried to tell me he had problems. These were people that live wild lives and they had the heebie jeebies when the first met him..yet I felt they were being hypocritical. As if how dare they judge, when thier lifestyle is not always healthy?
I won't make that mistake again.
Another mistake I made is the giving too many second chances, a lie is a lie, a cover up is a cover up. No matter the reason..if they lie on a dating profile about a lot of things and tell you it was because you would of never agreed to meet them, BIG RED FLAG.
If they are denied prescription meds because of refilling too often ( I forget the name for it) Another BIG RED flag. If they fail to tell you they have had restraining orders put on them, another one...etc...the list goes on.
Sadly, this same person will judge you though, and tell you it is YOU with the issues. You are the negative one, You have the drama, the problem with being too compassionate, the unhealthy friends although thiers are no better with the same problems, the 'sick" family even though they hate thier own mother and won't attend her funeral....
I have to wonder if it is because by judging/blaming you it puts the issues off them and onto you? I mean who wants to look in the mirror and have to see themselves if they will not make an effort to improve?
Actually I've got Protection Order from court ( I applied for).
It works great and both way.
it protects me from my ex (he can't call, email, text, he can't show up in any place I'm. If he come to the place and I'm there - he has to leave. If I come to the place and he is there - he has to leave also.
It's great. It works. He knows, if he even once violate Protection Order- he will go to jail.
So no calls, no expectation, no anticipation, anything. Pece.
I have a time to work on myself, get him out of my system, became stronger me.
Sure I miss him now and then, but then I thing about Protection Order, No Contact and my Pride.
I'm already almost 7 month without contact. I still have over 5 months to go (I hope, after that I'll be strong enough to ignore his existance).
If I did NC right after I broke up with him for the first time, I will not waste 2 more years on rollercoaster ride.
Ladies, stay strong and keep your fingers crossed for me also.