Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
As I read through many posts here and try and figure out my situation and what I want to do in regards to my marriage, I see advice given to not let on to your abuser that you realize now, that they are abusing you.
Can someone explain why?
Yesterday, I posted my first post with an overview of my situation. Im learning that for the past 10+ years my husband has become increasing verbally abusive to me. It's been so subtle and gradual I barely noticed it until about 2 years ago - I saw patters of passive / aggressive behavior. He's treated me with accusations, judging, criticizing, discredits me feelings, he has tantrums and storms off if I say something that he doesn't agree with, he finds faults with my friends and family and little by little I barely see them, he tells me I overanalyze everything, asks for examples of times he's made me mad or hurt and when I give examples, he tells me thats old and in the past and why cant I just let things go....etc. After our "discussions" I ed up feeling so confused and mixed up. I realize i've become very checked out of our marriage at this point.. I just don't see our relationship going through so much transformation that it becomes one I can be happy in.
However, I am willing to keep trying, because he makes me feel guilty about breaking up our family, if I say I don't think things will work out. But no matter how many times I try and explain myself, it ends up in an argument and then a few days later the cycle begins again.
Wouldn't it help for me to show him how his behavior is abusive? Then he would know what he's working with and may agree to IC? As of now, he said he'll read books, after much prodding, but he said he doesn't feel he needs IC. Said it's ok if I want to go if I need it. He said he'll do MC again - but that didn't help the root of our problems.
I'm torn because when we got married it was for better or worse. this is definitely the worst. I know I contributed to our marriage failing because I little by little held my tongue and feelings in to avoid an argument. So I was not being up front with my feelings.
I just fee lost. I have no more feelings for him and I'm not sure I can get that back.
Can someone explain why?
Yesterday, I posted my first post with an overview of my situation. Im learning that for the past 10+ years my husband has become increasing verbally abusive to me. It's been so subtle and gradual I barely noticed it until about 2 years ago - I saw patters of passive / aggressive behavior. He's treated me with accusations, judging, criticizing, discredits me feelings, he has tantrums and storms off if I say something that he doesn't agree with, he finds faults with my friends and family and little by little I barely see them, he tells me I overanalyze everything, asks for examples of times he's made me mad or hurt and when I give examples, he tells me thats old and in the past and why cant I just let things go....etc. After our "discussions" I ed up feeling so confused and mixed up. I realize i've become very checked out of our marriage at this point.. I just don't see our relationship going through so much transformation that it becomes one I can be happy in.
However, I am willing to keep trying, because he makes me feel guilty about breaking up our family, if I say I don't think things will work out. But no matter how many times I try and explain myself, it ends up in an argument and then a few days later the cycle begins again.
Wouldn't it help for me to show him how his behavior is abusive? Then he would know what he's working with and may agree to IC? As of now, he said he'll read books, after much prodding, but he said he doesn't feel he needs IC. Said it's ok if I want to go if I need it. He said he'll do MC again - but that didn't help the root of our problems.
I'm torn because when we got married it was for better or worse. this is definitely the worst. I know I contributed to our marriage failing because I little by little held my tongue and feelings in to avoid an argument. So I was not being up front with my feelings.
I just fee lost. I have no more feelings for him and I'm not sure I can get that back.
BTW I love reading your posts and how strong you have become and how much you have evolved with your bad experiences behind you. Thank you for helping me and others on this site.
Peace,
LT
Yeah about my dad, well it was always an ordeal with him I guess. Was he ill? Yes of course, but he lacked the empathy to understand how his behaviours would effect others (mainly his children) and all that he did he did it without really considering our feelings!
I often wonder how I will be able to tell in my next relationship if I'm dealing with a "good" guy. I think a big red flag for all of us to look for is charm. Not that we dismiss anyone charming off the bat, but that we pay very close attention to the details.
I want to say "you hurt me." And I somehow expect her to hear me in the same way I hear her, feel bad that I am hurt, discuss it calmly and rationally and RESPECTFULLY. In other words, I expect her to act like an emotionally healthy person. But I can guarantee with almost 100% certainty that this will never happen.
Instead, if I say I get hurt, it gets twisted back at me as somehow I am abusing her, and then I become confused, and feel even more hurt. This almost ALWAYS happens.
Abusers are emotionally damaged to the core. If you tell them they are hurtful, they see it as a criticism of them, as an attack, and they fight back irrationally.
here is an example: For awhile, she did not want to use birth control at all, claiming she knew her cycle. I insisted on using a condom, and she would complain that condoms weren't fun, caused her discomfort, or claim that it meant I did not trust her. During a long road trip, one night she complained and whined when I reached for a condom. The next night I was too exhausted to have sex. But she wanted to have sex, and when I told her I was too tired and could not perform physically, she pulled away and accused me of not loving her anymore. I was hurt by that statement, and I said "that's not true". She eventually did embrace me, and we went to sleep. The next day in the car she was talking about potentially having children and about previous relationships, and my mood saddened - and I asked her if she would still want to be with me if I were infertile. She hesitated, then said yes, and asked why I had asked that. I told her I felt hurt by her statements the previous two nights, and that sometimes it feels to me like she is more interested in having a baby than being with me (there were tons of other statements and actions previous to this that had be concerned as well including her contacting fertility clinics and trying to get pregnant before she met me).
What did she do when I told her I was hurt by her statements and actions? She blew up at me, accused me of being insensitive to her needs, accused me of bringing up stuff from the past, screamed at me, called me names, drove erratically, and tried to make me feel like I hurt her.
Telling an abuser they are abusive is almost guaranteed to cause even more hurt.
I personally think inconsistencies will be an indicator.
Like I have said, my ex in the early years had moments, maybe a day or two every three months he would be really off with me and moody, totally out of character moody, for not much apperent reason and if I ever tried to logic with him "come on it's me your talking to what's up, why u being like this?" He'd still not connect with me!
Total inconsistent, people are who they are IF and that's a big if, IF they are genuine from the start!
If I look really hard at the first year and a half of my relationship, I can also find glimmers of control. But they were so far and few in between, that, unfortunately I never made the connection.
Probably time to start a new thread on what to look for in a new relationship, eh? (Not that I am even contemplating the thought for awhile ; )
Something came up. I just got home with the girls and my husband went to the gym. But he left a bag of my favorite candy with a note that he had another one hidden on something that makes him smile.
So I'm scrambling around the house looking for the second bag of candy and he has taped it to the back of a picture of us from 12 years ago! We're smiling and it was a happy time.
I'm not sure how to respond when he gets home. I'm certainly not feeling anything romantic for him and I've told him that last week. Now in the past something like this would have made me giddy (I know I'm a romantic) but he hardly ever did this stuff.
Is this him trying or just fake trying in an attempt to break me down?
I'm so annoyed. I actually called a lawyer today just to talk and check out her fees and what the process would be. Then I come home to this and his love note.
My guess, though - he senses you are unhappy and may leave him. this is his attempt to make you happy again, at least for awhile, by showing you he "cares". I cant say this for certain, but I notice in my relationship that just as I start showing signs of frustration, she will make dinner or do some of the shopping. I think part of it is guilt on her part because I am doing so much for her right now, and the other part is fear that she would have nothing if we broke up. She doesn't want to lose me.
I think you know what to do already. It may be unpleasant, but please do what's best for you.
Peace
I hear many similarities in our experiences. I told my husband last week, after we had a huge blow up - the usual talks in circles that leave me feeling like I just got off the tilt a whirl ride - I was hysterical crying asking him why he stays with me - since I'm such an over analyzer, have no concept of tme, don't do enough around the house, don't initiate quality time with him, etc. and I got no sincerity or anything. He simply and with a cold edge said, I never said those things. It just infuriated me more.
I got 3 books in the mail: codependent no more, 5 languages of love (which at this point I could care less about) and when Venus and mars collide. I was very careful not to get anything that mentioned abuse, bad marriages, etc. the Verbal abuse books I ordered on my kindle phone app. Actually a friend shared it with me bc my husband sees all the bills so I had to hide it.
I thought that by being open with him and informing him of a behavior that hurts me and our relationship, it would be helpful in fixing things. But after the reading I'm doing here I fear I may just be spinning my wheels.