Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
As I read through many posts here and try and figure out my situation and what I want to do in regards to my marriage, I see advice given to not let on to your abuser that you realize now, that they are abusing you.
Can someone explain why?
Yesterday, I posted my first post with an overview of my situation. Im learning that for the past 10+ years my husband has become increasing verbally abusive to me. It's been so subtle and gradual I barely noticed it until about 2 years ago - I saw patters of passive / aggressive behavior. He's treated me with accusations, judging, criticizing, discredits me feelings, he has tantrums and storms off if I say something that he doesn't agree with, he finds faults with my friends and family and little by little I barely see them, he tells me I overanalyze everything, asks for examples of times he's made me mad or hurt and when I give examples, he tells me thats old and in the past and why cant I just let things go....etc. After our "discussions" I ed up feeling so confused and mixed up. I realize i've become very checked out of our marriage at this point.. I just don't see our relationship going through so much transformation that it becomes one I can be happy in.
However, I am willing to keep trying, because he makes me feel guilty about breaking up our family, if I say I don't think things will work out. But no matter how many times I try and explain myself, it ends up in an argument and then a few days later the cycle begins again.
Wouldn't it help for me to show him how his behavior is abusive? Then he would know what he's working with and may agree to IC? As of now, he said he'll read books, after much prodding, but he said he doesn't feel he needs IC. Said it's ok if I want to go if I need it. He said he'll do MC again - but that didn't help the root of our problems.
I'm torn because when we got married it was for better or worse. this is definitely the worst. I know I contributed to our marriage failing because I little by little held my tongue and feelings in to avoid an argument. So I was not being up front with my feelings.
I just fee lost. I have no more feelings for him and I'm not sure I can get that back.
Can someone explain why?
Yesterday, I posted my first post with an overview of my situation. Im learning that for the past 10+ years my husband has become increasing verbally abusive to me. It's been so subtle and gradual I barely noticed it until about 2 years ago - I saw patters of passive / aggressive behavior. He's treated me with accusations, judging, criticizing, discredits me feelings, he has tantrums and storms off if I say something that he doesn't agree with, he finds faults with my friends and family and little by little I barely see them, he tells me I overanalyze everything, asks for examples of times he's made me mad or hurt and when I give examples, he tells me thats old and in the past and why cant I just let things go....etc. After our "discussions" I ed up feeling so confused and mixed up. I realize i've become very checked out of our marriage at this point.. I just don't see our relationship going through so much transformation that it becomes one I can be happy in.
However, I am willing to keep trying, because he makes me feel guilty about breaking up our family, if I say I don't think things will work out. But no matter how many times I try and explain myself, it ends up in an argument and then a few days later the cycle begins again.
Wouldn't it help for me to show him how his behavior is abusive? Then he would know what he's working with and may agree to IC? As of now, he said he'll read books, after much prodding, but he said he doesn't feel he needs IC. Said it's ok if I want to go if I need it. He said he'll do MC again - but that didn't help the root of our problems.
I'm torn because when we got married it was for better or worse. this is definitely the worst. I know I contributed to our marriage failing because I little by little held my tongue and feelings in to avoid an argument. So I was not being up front with my feelings.
I just fee lost. I have no more feelings for him and I'm not sure I can get that back.
You wrote:
Yesterday, I posted my first post with an overview of my situation. Im learning that for the past 10+ years my husband has become increasing verbally abusive to me. It's been so subtle and gradual I barely noticed it until about 2 years ago - I saw patters of passive / aggressive behavior. He's treated me with accusations, judging, criticizing, discredits me feelings, he has tantrums and storms off if I say something that he doesn't agree with, he finds faults with my friends and family and little by little I barely see them, he tells me I overanalyze everything, asks for examples of times he's made me mad or hurt and when I give examples, he tells me thats old and in the past and why cant I just let things go....etc. After our "discussions" I ed up feeling so confused and mixed up
This is the DEFINITION
of an ABUSIVE "PARTNER."
So. . . . here's the bottom line:
ABUSE BREAKS THE CONTRACT.
You signed up "for better or worse."
You DIDN'T sign up to
BE ABUSED.
And here's the answer to your
request for an explanation
about why it's
WORSE THAN USELESS
to apprise the abuser
that he (or she)
is being abusive:
Because ABUSERS DON'T
BELIEVE THAT THEY'RE
DOING ANYTHING WRONG
and your telling him (or her)
that they're being abusive
typically sends the abuser
INTO A RAGE
which then
can put you
INTO SERIOUS DANGER.
It's pointless to tell them
because they don't believe
it and they WILL ONLY GET WORSE.
That's why.
This explanation comes from
both personal and clinical experience.
Right now I am taking it one day at a time and trying to absorb all the information I can from friends here. I have been living this for 13 years so certainly don't expect to make a decision to walk out in the next 13 minutes. My feelings have dwindled to the point of really not caring anymore, or maybe I've built a wall of protection. I have realized as an abuser he will NEVER see his wrongs. Showing him would do no good. In fact I'm pretty sure somehow he would turn it on me.
Hugs to you,
Prior to coming to this site, last week we had another one of or discussions and I told him I felt he has sucked the spirit out of me and eroded my self esteem over the years and he said he never meant to be mean or do that to me. It's all so confusing what to believe and I don't trust my judgement right now.
I would say keep it a secret because:
1) If they take it as an accusation or insult, they will be likely to become more abusive and rageful, and potentially physically abusive EVEN if they had never been so before. It happened to me.
2) If they do not react badly initially, it is still bad for them to know you think they are abusive because then they will know you are 'onto' them so to speak. The abuse may get worse, or it may get more insidious to make it harder for you to prove to yourself and others that it IS abuse. When my husband thought I was catching on to how he was, I would get a period of almost unbelievable niceness and repentance. But it was all a TRICK intended to keep me with him. I believe this is what you are getting now.
My final word must be: don't take any chances assuming there is anything he "wouldn't" do. I am sure everyone on this board could vouch for the fact that, when faced with a knowledgeable victim and the possibility of being exposed or losing said victim, there is NOTHING an abuser might not resort to. When I first met my husband, there was no WAY the things I know about him now seemed like even the remotest possibilities. But they happened.
Stay safe and big hugs xx
First Im so sorry to hear you suffered. Can I ask how long you were married and if you are still married to him?
I will say, my husband is being very nice these last few days. Offering to put the kids to bed so I can relax - although I still put them to bed because I enjoy the quiet snuggly time with them - he tried to hug me the other day - I like affection and he does not, so he said, "see I am trying", he said he'd like to get the kids to bed early friday night so we can have some coffee and play scrabble or cards, he keeps saying he wants to grow old with me and work things out and keeps asking if I want the same, etc.
You said...
"When I first met my husband, there was no WAY the things I know about him now seemed like even the remotest possibilities. But they happened"
I feel like this now. The man I see now and his behavior makes me feel i'm living with a stranger. It baffles me.
Hugs to you,
I think after so many years, I never got him to see or understand what my point was when I was trying to justify myself so I quit.
I think I gradually emotionally detached and just plain refused to argue, justify anything, or try and express any feelings to him at all.
I had a part time job at school, where I spent long days and that is what saved my sanity.
He had his hobby and that was his everything.
((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))
I just don't want to settle and have a half-baked marriage. I want love, respect, fun, and laughter with a true partner again. I have no feelings for him and I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I also don't want my 2 girls to grow up in an environment like this and believe that this is how relationships are supposed to be.
And yet after 22 years, what else do I know? As dysfunctional as this is, Ive been living it and its the norm for me.
How does one even break out of this and get away from someone who doesn't see the problems?
hugs to you,
I am very sorry to read your story too. It always makes me so sad and angry to hear or see that someone else is going through abuse :(
We were together ten years, married for only about four of them. Are still (legally) married, but only because there have been no divorce proceedings started. I lost the feelings years ago, like you.
You remind me of myself early on when I was trying to work out his behaviour...it's tough, no doubt about it, but once you realise fully what is going on, then it gets better. The hardest part is often grasping that they do not think like we do. Not at all!
Abusers are all about catching and keeping their victim. If they think being nice for a while will keep him or her, then as surprising as it may seem after just having exhibited some nasty behaviour, they'll do it! This is what his "See, I'm trying," is for. It is a very heavy-handed attempt to make you feel like you are getting what you want, so that you will feel obligated not to accuse or leave him.
From a normal person's perspective, the positive thing to do is to see him offering affection as a genuine improvement in his behaviour. Unfortunately, from HIS perspective, it is merely a case of, "This will pacify her for a while, and stop her getting any ideas about me being in the wrong, or getting away from me."
It's just about payoff for them. Very transactional and cold when you look closely at it :/
Hope this helps xx
Abusers don't want u to point at them, that's why they are constantly keeping their finger (and your own) pointed in criticism towards you!
Abusers can't embrace their flaws! We all have them, some learn from them, embrace them and grow, abusive people crumble in them and die. He won't embrace that which he sees as his death (the ego)
So for that, just think of all the energy you could put into yourself to heal and grow !
It makes me think was i that bad of a judge of character or have we both just undergone such major transformations? I was 20 when I met him (he was 21) we dated 3 years, engaged for 2, now married for 17. We were young, but together for a while before we got married. everything seemed so right and perfect for us. Over the years we had our ups and downs but I always felt connected to him.
Was he always like this and I never noticed it? Did I do something, my behavior that contributed to his changes? I wish I had some answers.