Almost all abusers accuse their victims of abuse at some point, because one of the most common tools in an abuser's armoury is projection - accusing others of being or doing what they are or do.

One of the best "tests" of who is the abuser is to ask who is questioning their actions, who is admitting to and taking responsibility for their faults and failings? In the scenario you describe, you are the one looking to see what you can do better, how you can fix things, whether you are abusive. He, on the other hand, is just saying it's all your fault. If you were the abuser, you would feel safe expressing anger.

Where you go from here is up to you. But if you continue as you are, then you continue as you are - with him beating you down constantly, him having the "right" to be angry because you do or because you don't express your feelings, him continuing to abuse you. He's not going to change, he's going to continue to blame everything on you. Either you take that blame and accept a life where you will always be wrong, no matter what you do - or you find a way out of such a toxic existence.

You cannot change him, and he's shown he has no interest in changing himself.

Oh yeah, and it's not a fault to protect yourself from an emotional predator. If you are not safe expressing your emotions, then there is no fault in not expressing them.

very, very well said livnadrem.

"One of the best "tests" of who is the abuser is to ask who is questioning their actions, who is admitting to and taking responsibility for their faults and failings? In the scenario you describe, you are the one looking to see what you can do better, how you can fix things, whether you are abusive. He, on the other hand, is just saying it's all your fault. If you were the abuser, you would feel safe expressing anger. "

that is so, so helpful and opens my eyes to a lot i didnt think about before.

possumlady - HE is the abuser. HE is GOING to blame you for everything, everything is your fault, he wants you to feel bad about yourself, and for you to want more than anything to gain his approval. but he will never approve. its disgusting.

get yourself out of the situation. it only gets worse. much worse. trust me.

I agree with Livn, he is projecting his vile bahviour onto you. Maybe if you were in a safer, more equal and loving environment you would happily and freely share your emotions and feelings. You are in a catch 22 situation, as I believe, if he did know you were unhappy with him, or anything really, he would find that reprehensible and complain about that too. You are not the abuser, but try hard not to let him change the good in you - you are worthy, beautiful, lovable, all the things he probably recognises in you but is trying to drag out of you. Remain true to yourself until you can find some resolution to the situation you find yourself in. We are here for you - let me tell you, Im newly single, having just left an abusive relationshop only 3 days ago - the support and wisdom from the people on here is amazing. Stick with it, we can all get through this together x

Hon . . . . . .

There's some SERIOUS WISDOM
here already.

Here's my input:

""""""""""""""""He sees that his anger is caused by me""""""""""""""""""""

This is
BULLSHIT.


"""""""""""""""" and refuses to own any responsibility for the way he behaves."""""""""""""""""""""""""""""


This is ABUSIVELY DYSFUNCTIONAL.



Third:

Being withdrawn and not sharing what's inside
with someone who intimidates and threatens you

is a SMART SURVIVAL STRATEGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


HE is abusing YOU.

How he moves on is up to him.

How YOU move on will depend on
how you want the rest of your life to
be lived.

I hope that will be free of abuse
and filled with satisfaction and joy!

Livn said it perfectly.

I'll add that I was in a similar situation. I am naturally a passive person who generally avoids conflict when I can. If someone else is angry or acting irrational, my response is to walk away and try to explain things after the person calms down.

I did the same with my ex girlfriend, because I knew that if I confronted her when she was upset, that would just open the door for her to cut me down again. For the first month after we broke up, I used to wonder if I had been stronger and confronted things as they happened she would have learned to be less abusive towards me. Now I know it doesn't work that way. If she didn't already know what she was doing was hurtful, there's nothing my behavior could do to teach her that. I'm pretty sure that had I been more confrontational, the abuse would have escalated, I would have been ashamed of my own responsive behavior, and the relationship would have ended uglier.

My advice is to act in a way that is morally right. Treat yourself with respect, and treat others with respect. Don't give others anything they can use against you. That way, if he wants to claim you are abusive, you know in your heart that is not true.

Agreein' with liven.

He is the abuser, not you.

You cannot change an abuser but you have the power to change...hugs to you for better days ahead.

Agree with the others! You are not the abuser! I was also very distant from my ex because I was afraid of him, and for good reason. You have every right to be distant if you are afraid! He is trying to pass the blame onto you.

I remember reading your discussions before, possumlady, and he is abusive.

Of course you don't feel comfortable sharing your feelings with him. That's the only way I've found to deflect some of the abuse.

Being with an abuser is like having an arch-nemesis who's married to you. It's like Superman being married to Lex Luthor. The abuse is extra damaging b/c the abuser knows your deepest fears, insecurities, and dreams.

And yeah--my abuser accused me of being abusive in the beginning. He actually encouraged me to talk to him like he talked...but it felt terrible.

Then, he delighted in calling me abusive, b/c that would make me think that I deserved to stay with him--because we were "equal" partners in crime.

In fact, it wasn't until I did start to emotionally detach (by not sharing my feelings) that I really started seeing how all the abuse and most of the conflict came from him, regardless of what I did.

And then, he started calling me "passive aggressive."

Your abuser seems pretty tricky. He plays a lot of mind games--he uses your compassion. He always "needs help"--and the help he needs seems to be for you to offer yourself up to his abuse.

Of course you don't feel like you trust him--of course you don't feel like opening up to him. And you are the ONLY one who should be expected to decide what you're comfortable with.

You will never be able to reason with him, or let him see your point of view (even on subjects regarding yourself or your own feelings) as valid.

Don't listen to him. You are an intelligent, caring woman who deserves happiness. Give that to yourself however you can.

I remember when my domineering sister told me to stop being such a victim. In return, I told her to stop being such a friggin' bully by victimizing me!

Any possibility that you 2 can get into couple's therapy, to learn how to communicate with each other without this dance of passivity & aggression?

My abusive ex equally accused me of being also abusive. It was insult to injury, frankly, and when I think about it, I shudder. Yes, it is projection, or at best, trying to share the guilt for the shit they do. In my mind, it is very damaging to the victim to hear this. It is very difficult to move on from this, I tried as well and then after the abuse escalated in my case, I left for good.

"He insists it is all my issues". Of course he does! He is an abuser!

I almost laughed when mine said I was abusing him by withholding sex. It made me think "are you crazy?" He just turned everything around on me as usual, everything was my fault some way. When I explained I wanted to take the relationship slowly so we could work out what was wrong with us and that I didn't feel comfortable reentering a sexual relationship. He said whatever the reason, it is still abusive and it still has the same affect and he forwarded me a link to a discussion board in which a man complained of emotional abuse because his wife withheld sex. So, I was on the defensive again. Wow.

abusers like to blame the abuse on their victims, its their way of justifying their behavouir,

You are not abusive for holding in things, the reason you hold things in with him is becasue as you have clearly pointed out, you are scared to share your feelings with him because as you have clearly tried to share them and your point of view he has put you down for them, it just gets harder and harder to open up, and then you are the abusive one for this??? come on!!!

Is it or is it not right to think that a key ingrediant to a sucessful and harmonious realtionship is communication, part of communcation involves listening and listening empathicaly, he will not allow you to express or talk he has no empathy towards your feeling and concerns regarding the issues in this relationship, he cuts you off with his aggressive, angry reactions to your concerns, but yet he gets you to listen to his (crazy) concerns of his victim role in all of this whilst telling you to do that which he make impossible for you to do and if you dont do it then you are somehow failing him in treating him right?

Read this

http://www.helium.com/items/2027494-how-a-narcissist-uses-introjection-and-projection

it explanies it clearly what he is doing to you.

I hope you can begin to see the truth and not his reality...

Boy did I need this post, my husband tells me the same thing that I am the abuser. I started to believe it. Everything wrong in our relationship is my fault and I am the cause of all his anger towards me. I can not believe what I am learning on this site the stories all make sense and so easy to related to. It is amazing my eyes have been opened. I wish I did not have to wait until I was 50y/o to learn this.