Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I had a bit of a blowup with my SIL at Christmas over my need for alone time because of recent abuse and my depression. Though I have tried, I cannot seem to make her understand these feelings I am going through. She is much younger than me and has not had the life experiences I have. She has only dated my younger brother, married him and has two children with him. She is very close to all her siblings and her parents. I am not close to all my siblings and I have only one parent who I have a strained relationship with.
I have been though childhood abuse, sexual abuse, a divorce, a failed engagement, and subsequent abusive relationships since, physical and emotional.
I have tried therapy 3 times and not found peace in it yet. I am currently alone, missing my ex husband whom was the only man who did not cheat on me or abuse me verbally or physically, missing my mother that I lost to cancer and realizing that at my age, past 45, I will most likely never have a chance at marriage or children.
Anyway, after trying to just avoid the holiday and everyone as to not bring anyone down due to my own issues, she texted me this:
Merry Christmas love you too, would you like to go up to **** with us for dinner (after already inviting me to a dinner at a neighbors of which I declined)
I texted: Thanks for the invite but I have a can of beef stew for dinner. Taking down Christmas stuff then going to nap. Enjoy your day. Much love.
I received: Whatever lol Makes me sad that you turn it down everytime we invite you to go out I know you get down during the holidays but it would be nice to see you get out with the family that loves you still..we love you every day any day merry Christmas sis.
Ok, MAYBE its just me, but I felt a major guilt trip layed on me there.*
First off, I really dislike the word Whatever. Secondly, Anytime they need money, I have lent it and never expected it to be paid back and I am talking major amounts, Also, they just borrow things and never return them, etc. I live right down the road, if they want to come by, I am right there. They know I don't do crowds and they are welcome at my home. Just because she likes to make everything a major get together with lots of people does not make me like it.
So I texted this back:
I didn't get out with anyone. I kept to myself as I can barely keep my shit together lately to be able to go to work and take care of my animals. I really don't expect you to understand or anyone to that is not me. I honestly hope you never feel the pain of a divorce and 8 bad relationships after or of losing your mother. Of knowing you will never have a family of your own,kids and a husband. Of trying therapy and realizing your just too fcked up . Was not my intent to make you sad. Take care and thank you for the food you dropped off earlier.
So, she texted back that she did not expect that response and that they just loved and missed me had wanted to spend the holiday with me to comfort me, that they had not meant to upset or offend me.
Maybe I was too harsh, but I just wish people could get it. When someone is Abused over and over and has been since they were a child, they eventually close off. They eventually get tired of trying. It eventually gets to wear every day is a struggle to just breathe in and breathe out.
I have been though childhood abuse, sexual abuse, a divorce, a failed engagement, and subsequent abusive relationships since, physical and emotional.
I have tried therapy 3 times and not found peace in it yet. I am currently alone, missing my ex husband whom was the only man who did not cheat on me or abuse me verbally or physically, missing my mother that I lost to cancer and realizing that at my age, past 45, I will most likely never have a chance at marriage or children.
Anyway, after trying to just avoid the holiday and everyone as to not bring anyone down due to my own issues, she texted me this:
Merry Christmas love you too, would you like to go up to **** with us for dinner (after already inviting me to a dinner at a neighbors of which I declined)
I texted: Thanks for the invite but I have a can of beef stew for dinner. Taking down Christmas stuff then going to nap. Enjoy your day. Much love.
I received: Whatever lol Makes me sad that you turn it down everytime we invite you to go out I know you get down during the holidays but it would be nice to see you get out with the family that loves you still..we love you every day any day merry Christmas sis.
Ok, MAYBE its just me, but I felt a major guilt trip layed on me there.*
First off, I really dislike the word Whatever. Secondly, Anytime they need money, I have lent it and never expected it to be paid back and I am talking major amounts, Also, they just borrow things and never return them, etc. I live right down the road, if they want to come by, I am right there. They know I don't do crowds and they are welcome at my home. Just because she likes to make everything a major get together with lots of people does not make me like it.
So I texted this back:
I didn't get out with anyone. I kept to myself as I can barely keep my shit together lately to be able to go to work and take care of my animals. I really don't expect you to understand or anyone to that is not me. I honestly hope you never feel the pain of a divorce and 8 bad relationships after or of losing your mother. Of knowing you will never have a family of your own,kids and a husband. Of trying therapy and realizing your just too fcked up . Was not my intent to make you sad. Take care and thank you for the food you dropped off earlier.
So, she texted back that she did not expect that response and that they just loved and missed me had wanted to spend the holiday with me to comfort me, that they had not meant to upset or offend me.
Maybe I was too harsh, but I just wish people could get it. When someone is Abused over and over and has been since they were a child, they eventually close off. They eventually get tired of trying. It eventually gets to wear every day is a struggle to just breathe in and breathe out.
badly you're feeling.
Please try to do for yourself
any particular thing that
provides you comfort
or wellbeing.
Sending hugs and
healing prayers.
closing off is how we are... its how we have become
thinking of you big hugs
I do understand what you are saying about age and prospects for the future. Perhaps I feel similar as you, having been divorced twice and no children. But you never know... as an adopted child myself I know that the most difficult children to be adopted are the older ones. Everyone wants babies! So maybe one day you will choose to do this. Or maybe not! There are so many things to do in this life.
My life is mostly dedicated to my music now... and each release is a bit like one of my babies. I wish for you to find something which will give you fulfilment !
Hugs!!
I am on an anti depressant but it alone does not do it, and there has been lots of family tension as of late, lots of changes, financial strain and the burden has somewhat been put on me. I went without a bonus so that the business could afford the employee bonuses and as I said, I do everything I can for them financially since I have to be strong alone emotionally and mentally.
Maryjan, I was adopted, as was my Mother. I miss her so very much. She was adopted at 6 years of age by a wonderful set of parents, as far as I have ever know (my grandparents were very loving people) and I was adopted at around 6 months of age.
I always planned to carry on with adoption when I married. That dream was shattered and since then, none of the men have even had an ounce of decency honestly to think about raising a child with them.
If I did choose to adopt still, I would most likely salvage what is left of my savings, move away from my family and do it on my own.
You thanked your SIL and were perfectly polite to her, and that's all you needed to do :) I wonder (and this is pure speculation) if she is reacting this way because she would not have the courage to defend a quiet night of self-care for herself, and she cannot see how you are able to do so?
People often do this, projecting their own awkwardness at moments when they know they would not have been able to stand up for something or act as you have at a time when everyone else is just falling into line.
I am very proud of you for doing what you needed, despite other people's lack of comprehension. You are right, she does not have your experiences, but that does not mean your side doesn't matter. Your choices deserve to be honoured. The fact that they do not match what others are choosing for themselves is immaterial.
Sending you warm hugs and strength! xxx
I have tried to help her do dishes and she brushes it aside, and other things, she has to do things a certain way, yet then complains she gets no help?
As to time alone, she volunteers for everything, including babysitting everyone's kids and then says she never gets any time to herself?
It's as if she sets herself up to burn herself out, if you get my meaning.
I realize I am about to blow a gasket or perhaps cry a river, so I isolate so as not to hurt anyone. I feel as if that is healthier than fighting with someone.
I am very sorry for what you are going through. Take as much alone time that you need. If I may offer a little advice, (you are not obligated to take it). When I was in my deep depression and was an inpatient last year. I learned valuable tools for my emotional tool box.
1. Wake up the same time each day (even if you don't want to)
2. Take a nice hot shower, and lotion yourself up with a great smelling lotion.
3. Dress for the day (not PJs,,,lol)
4. I have no idea why it matters, but putting on a little mascara makes me look and feel more refreshed.
5. Coffee, protein of some sort, and meds.
Then off to what ever it is that you do.
My therapist just recently gave me some homework. I need to write a small to do list each night before bed. So far so good, I don't always get it done, but I am making improvements.
Wishing calm and peaceful thoughts... :)
I sometimes just have a day that I don't even get out of my pajamas or brush my hair and forget to eat. I always drink coffee though.
My sleep schedule has been awful these last few days as we have our weekends off now and had Christmas eve and Christmas. So with no where to go or any plans, I just slept to try to forget about things.
Blessings!!
She never made me feel adopted, perhaps because she was? But everyone and everywhere else, I have always felt like a stranger in a strange land just waiting to find where I might belong one day.
Blessings to you as well
I really hope you are OK and that I could somehow help you.
Please try and take good care of yourself.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))