Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I had a bit of a blowup with my SIL at Christmas over my need for alone time because of recent abuse and my depression. Though I have tried, I cannot seem to make her understand these feelings I am going through. She is much younger than me and has not had the life experiences I have. She has only dated my younger brother, married him and has two children with him. She is very close to all her siblings and her parents. I am not close to all my siblings and I have only one parent who I have a strained relationship with.
I have been though childhood abuse, sexual abuse, a divorce, a failed engagement, and subsequent abusive relationships since, physical and emotional.
I have tried therapy 3 times and not found peace in it yet. I am currently alone, missing my ex husband whom was the only man who did not cheat on me or abuse me verbally or physically, missing my mother that I lost to cancer and realizing that at my age, past 45, I will most likely never have a chance at marriage or children.
Anyway, after trying to just avoid the holiday and everyone as to not bring anyone down due to my own issues, she texted me this:
Merry Christmas love you too, would you like to go up to **** with us for dinner (after already inviting me to a dinner at a neighbors of which I declined)
I texted: Thanks for the invite but I have a can of beef stew for dinner. Taking down Christmas stuff then going to nap. Enjoy your day. Much love.
I received: Whatever lol Makes me sad that you turn it down everytime we invite you to go out I know you get down during the holidays but it would be nice to see you get out with the family that loves you still..we love you every day any day merry Christmas sis.
Ok, MAYBE its just me, but I felt a major guilt trip layed on me there.*
First off, I really dislike the word Whatever. Secondly, Anytime they need money, I have lent it and never expected it to be paid back and I am talking major amounts, Also, they just borrow things and never return them, etc. I live right down the road, if they want to come by, I am right there. They know I don't do crowds and they are welcome at my home. Just because she likes to make everything a major get together with lots of people does not make me like it.
So I texted this back:
I didn't get out with anyone. I kept to myself as I can barely keep my shit together lately to be able to go to work and take care of my animals. I really don't expect you to understand or anyone to that is not me. I honestly hope you never feel the pain of a divorce and 8 bad relationships after or of losing your mother. Of knowing you will never have a family of your own,kids and a husband. Of trying therapy and realizing your just too fcked up . Was not my intent to make you sad. Take care and thank you for the food you dropped off earlier.
So, she texted back that she did not expect that response and that they just loved and missed me had wanted to spend the holiday with me to comfort me, that they had not meant to upset or offend me.
Maybe I was too harsh, but I just wish people could get it. When someone is Abused over and over and has been since they were a child, they eventually close off. They eventually get tired of trying. It eventually gets to wear every day is a struggle to just breathe in and breathe out.
I have been though childhood abuse, sexual abuse, a divorce, a failed engagement, and subsequent abusive relationships since, physical and emotional.
I have tried therapy 3 times and not found peace in it yet. I am currently alone, missing my ex husband whom was the only man who did not cheat on me or abuse me verbally or physically, missing my mother that I lost to cancer and realizing that at my age, past 45, I will most likely never have a chance at marriage or children.
Anyway, after trying to just avoid the holiday and everyone as to not bring anyone down due to my own issues, she texted me this:
Merry Christmas love you too, would you like to go up to **** with us for dinner (after already inviting me to a dinner at a neighbors of which I declined)
I texted: Thanks for the invite but I have a can of beef stew for dinner. Taking down Christmas stuff then going to nap. Enjoy your day. Much love.
I received: Whatever lol Makes me sad that you turn it down everytime we invite you to go out I know you get down during the holidays but it would be nice to see you get out with the family that loves you still..we love you every day any day merry Christmas sis.
Ok, MAYBE its just me, but I felt a major guilt trip layed on me there.*
First off, I really dislike the word Whatever. Secondly, Anytime they need money, I have lent it and never expected it to be paid back and I am talking major amounts, Also, they just borrow things and never return them, etc. I live right down the road, if they want to come by, I am right there. They know I don't do crowds and they are welcome at my home. Just because she likes to make everything a major get together with lots of people does not make me like it.
So I texted this back:
I didn't get out with anyone. I kept to myself as I can barely keep my shit together lately to be able to go to work and take care of my animals. I really don't expect you to understand or anyone to that is not me. I honestly hope you never feel the pain of a divorce and 8 bad relationships after or of losing your mother. Of knowing you will never have a family of your own,kids and a husband. Of trying therapy and realizing your just too fcked up . Was not my intent to make you sad. Take care and thank you for the food you dropped off earlier.
So, she texted back that she did not expect that response and that they just loved and missed me had wanted to spend the holiday with me to comfort me, that they had not meant to upset or offend me.
Maybe I was too harsh, but I just wish people could get it. When someone is Abused over and over and has been since they were a child, they eventually close off. They eventually get tired of trying. It eventually gets to wear every day is a struggle to just breathe in and breathe out.
"Thank you very much for the invite, I am very happy spending some time to myself at the moment, I've not forgot about you, I'm just different from you. Where u like lots of people and crowds I always end up feeling drained around lots of people and instead I actually don't mind my own company, so I will respectfully decline the invite, hope u have a great day!"
This way you're saying "hey I'm fine!" Because I am guess by the sounds of her texts that she can't understand you so much so that she literally feels sorry for you, most probably thinks your having a miserable time and are lonely because that's how she would feel being in her own at Christmas, so my advice is just put it to her that you are having a lovely day on your own, even if you're not because that way she will most likely accept it like that. If you state you've been through this that and the other (the abuse etc etc) all she'll do is feel sorry for you and think she's helping by pushing u to socialise when really she doesn't realise she's making it worse because that's probably how she handles down times herself, she probably gets out the house and makes herself do things.
I'm totally with you on the alone time, I need it often, and to tell u the truth i enjoy it very much!