I think if not abusive, it is still extremely unhealthy to deal with. Does that make it abuse? I don't know either. But abuse or not, it's still pretty bad.
I mean, that whole clay thing creeped me out but maybe it's just a bad example. It seems to me like she's being... controlling? Like everything has to be her way. Do you think that's the case?

I feel likr i am a similar stiuation like you

Heres my story

A brief history...

I have been married for a little under 3 years, I am 41 my DH is 42 and we have a two year old daughter.

Yes there have always been signs of verbal abuse, some days are great and others are pretty bad.

I am in finally a place where I am seriously thinking of leaving him....he was previously married (with no kids) his marriage lasted for just about 2.5 years before she left him because of the same reasons. They tried couples councelling and it didn't help or at least not for long.

Fast forward to today, he will not seek councelling because he says he knows the problem is with him and councelling didn't help before he is trying online avenues and videos to try to help him...in my opinion it is not...I am sure he would disagree.

I will briefly describe a very recient incident. We were going to a grocery store with my daughter and I "forgot" her water bottle. When he asked me where it was I said I thought you had it because (he was filling it up before we left). He doesn't like that I am "blaming him" when I wasn't I was just simply saying that I though he had it...he calls me a f'en useless bitch, a useless sack of shit and an f'en bitch...when I say well we are at a store so we can just buy her one here he gets more angry with me and tells me not to deflect from the issue... after we had found a new bottle of water he says put it in the cart, I say no I am quite capable of carrying it and its easier if I hold it....he keeps insisting I put it in the cart I keep insisting I am capable of holding it. He then tells me to get out of the house by the end of the night and take my daughter with me....

Flash forward a few days...I am called usless two more times, he says I am acting like a c*nt and tells me to shut the f' up when I try to explain my point to him. He gets frustrated with my daughter crying in the car and has yelled at her several times calling her a brat and a bad baby. He tells me "I never get better" meaning I keep doing the same things that piss him off. He is very agressive in the car using offensive language like stupid asian, supid woman drivers, c*nts, bitches, idiot drivers, stupid ni**ers...

I have also been called retard, idiot, stupid, failure, bad mother, weak etc....

So needless to say I think enough is enough.... I know a lot will change, no more nice things, less outings, change of home, change of job ect if I leave... I am so scared he will get custody of my daughter as well.

So do I stay and try to work this out or is enough enough....will I scar my child by leaving or more if I stay....??? does anyone really have the answers to this.?

He is not all bad he does a lot for us, he helps out with everything (except baby related things) he drives everywhere (since yes, I am afraid to drive, which is a big sore spot for him).

I find ways to validate his behaviour because I lack certain skills like driving....

Lets say he only acts this way 10% of the time....which is probably not the case is that justification to stay?

TIA

mokohoko1 ------

Your mother is angry
and negative and I'd
bet a year's salary
that she was raised
under the roof of abuse.

Her anger and negativity
(based on what you've
shared with us), has
resulted in an on-going
PATTERN of
VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL
ABUSE.

JustJenny -----

As many of us have
responded to what
you posted in your
own thread, asking
what will be better
for your daughter. . . . .

You are living with
abuse and your
daughter is growing
up under the roof of
abuse.

Growing up even
witnessing abuse,
shapes the rest of
the victim's life and
even the lives of the
victim's children (and
THEIR children).

As MTC observed,
it's hard to admit
that what's going
on is abusive. But
no healing is possible
until we've taken that
extremely hard step.

How does it make you feel? Thats the most important thing. Verbal abuse isn't cut and dry. Sometimes it is directly putting you down, but for me it just wasn't. It was indirectly causing harm. Like "joking" even though it really hurt, or embarrassing you in public, calling you out in front of everyone, yelling at you, yes, even saying you're stupid or that you can't think for yourself. My dad would always put words in my mouth. "You're saying that I can't do anything! You're saying I'm dumb! You're saying blah blah blah" as a form of manipulation to get me to feel guilty and thus do whatever he wanted. You see? Research psychological abuse, even on google. It's harder to see than what is portrayed in movies. If it hurts you, she doesn't need to do it. Period. You're important and you matter regardless of what anyone says or thinks. Keep your head up, your kids are lucky to have you <3

what I dislike is the WAY she talks, it comes across as talking down to me.. As if she's the ONLY one in this whole world who thinks (she truly believes that, she feels no one is at her 'level') I do suppose it could be a far stretch to call is verbal abuse...versus it just being negativity. It's draining. When we get in heated arguments, what she says at that time is definitely verbal abuse. It gets ugly. I am trying so hard to find the strength to be done and move on. I'm just too old for this.

I would call it highly dysfunctional and verbally abusive. There's overt and covert abuse and some of what you describe I would consider covert. But honestly, it doesn't really matter what you call it. Based on what you said here, it sounds like it doesn't feel very good. Whatever you call it, you might want to ask yourself, these questions

1. How is this affecting my children?

2. How much of my own precious time (and my childrens') here on earth is worth spending in this kind of environment with someone who has diarrhea of the mouth and tells me to "not be so stupid" and "i wish your brain was clay so I could mold it" and who sees herself so far above everyone else on earth?

While I cannot diagnose, I would suggest you look up the traits of a narcissist and how to deal with one. You also might want to get the book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. It describes all kinds of examples of abuse and it might help you to see what you are dealing with. You can check out her website www.youarenotcrazy.com as well. Altho, I highly recommend her book!

Also, please reread what h.e.a.l. and AWP said. You and your children deserve to live in an abuse-free environment.

Thank you so much for the link! I will look into it! I appreciate it greatly. The sad part is, each of my children has slowly moved out. My oldest (he's a whole other story) hasn't been home since he was 16. He lived with us for 4 months last year. My middle son never moved back in after our separation in 2015. He was almost 17. My daughter has always stayed with my dad during summers (don't want her home alone in the area we live). She has decided not to come back in August (she'll be 17 in March). I don't argue with their choices because I know why the do it.
I know THIS alone should be the kick in the ass I need...And to hear them tell me daily how much they hate hearing how she talks to me or treats me, it does kill me. I don't know I am so afraid to leave her alone..feeling she needs me...and I'd be a douche if I left her high and dry. Maybe it's the 10 yr history..IDK.. I wish it was easier...And I know this is all on me for the decisions I've made (or lack there of)
I'm looking forward to peeking on that website. Thank you again xo