I understand where you all are coming from, I understand that I need to let go of him, emotionally I have not. physically I have. As for the term babe, that name is coined for him and only him. I can't explain what is in my heart down on paper. It's not the same as everyone thinks.
I have come through so much abuse in my lifetime, that I don't think like the normal person. I seem to be the sponge for everyone to take there anger out on. I think I deserve it? I don't know, but when I see these angry miserable people, who are violent, I see there heart, not there anger. I see that they have a lot of hurt, a lot of scars, a lot of deep wounds.
Those of you who have faith in the christian way, may see it the way I see it. maybe its just the trauma bonding that has a hold of me. I don't quite yet know I am searching my mind to understand what I am going through. I am taking it one breath at a time.
Even as I am writing all of this, I am sitting here wondering if he is going to text or call me today. Even if I ignore his call or his text it will make me feel some satisfaction that he is thinking of me. That somewhere in all that hate he still yet cares. Or maybe he just wants the sense of control. But either way it will give me satisfaction. I only can heal myself. I can only speak about what is in my heart. I can't deny what he did. I can't deny what he said. I heard him loud and clear. One day I may get angry and I will say the words everyone wants me to say. But right now this is what is in my mind. It is said that it is not my mind that gets me into trouble, it is my heart. In other words it is my feelings that get me into trouble.
So even though all these feelings are all here on paper, my mind has to take me else where. I come here for support and love and encouragement. And even though it don't look like it, I depend on you guys to keep me grounded. So keep on reminding me about his bad side. Remind me of his hate, and remind me of his abuse. I need that right now.
I know there has to be someone on this board who lives in a close knit community such as mine. I can't leave my people. I love these people too much. I work here, and helping our people is my life's work.
I remember one time, he was accusing me of cheating on him. I told him I wish I had more time for sex, but I don't, I am busy taking care of my children, and if not them my family. I go help people when they are in mourning, I go to prayer meetings. I go to church, I go to work. I barely had time for him. So that is me in a nutshell. So it will be easy for me to be single, because I have so many other things to do.
I am semi relieved about him and I being broke up because I was always worried about time. I always had to watch my clock and say oh i have to go. or I always had to tell others no when its my hearts desire to help people. In any relationship its that way, you have to sacrifice your time, and make time for the other person, you have to want to do it. I just didn't have time for him. And that was what made him so angry. But in the same thought, I didn't make him abuse me. and that is where it was very dysfunctional.
At home things have been very peaceful. The kids are adjusting to being without him, my youngest one misses him. My son gets tired of being around all girls, so asks about him. My middle child just says,, "remember when you dad and us did...." So he made there lives memorable, just me he abused, and never in front of them. I am thankful for that, he kept them innocent.
I made a huge step yesterday and didn't contact him at all. All day, I even let my phone go dead for half a day. It was wonderful. I am getting used of not always being in contact with him. I have finally let some of that emotional attachment go. We had a soul tie.
If you read the story of Jesus, you will see after he is beaten physically beyond recognition, he asks the father to forgive them for they know not what they do. I am not God, I am not a savior but I am his child and forgiveness is not for them its for me. If i hang onto that un forgiveness i may not only end up hurting myself, but my loved ones also.
So it's not that I am hanging on to him, I have let him go. I have changed my mindset and realize that this is a toxic relationship. And even though the abuse is all him, I have my own issues that I have to deal with also. I jumped from one bed to the other so to speak. So I didn't deal with any of this in a good way. i have to go on a healing journey for myself.
Plus I have to watch my words. I have to watch how i say things because he has a upper class family and well I can leave quietly and not cause waves, or I could make a fuss and they would make me and my family lives a living hell. I can't do that. i have to take care of my family. I have to be humble and know when to say I lose. For the sake of my children.
I don't really know yet where my journey is going to take me, but I am willing to find out.
My sister and bro n law are taking the kids today and for the first time in a long time, I am going to spend my evening alone. no kids, no man, no family, no friends. Just me by myself. I don't know where or what I am going to do, but I am going to leave everyone and go where my nose leads me. I have never done this, but I am going to do it. I have to confess I am scared, because I have to face myself for the first time. I am going to be looking at myself for the first time. The last time I tried to do this, I end up taking a sister along with me. And it caused me to focus on another person. not me. So this time I am not telling anyone what is up, I am going to see what happens. I am trully afraid. For what I don't know. But prayers everyone, that this will not be time wasted.
Well again I rambled. Thank you for letting me vent and get what is in my mind down on paper. because I can't always share with loved ones what is troubling me. Because I am the care taker, I am the one everyone comes to when they need help. I am actually getting help today, I have to be grateful for that.

Baby...any time you have alone with peace is never wasted time. Even if you just stay home and listen to the silence and relax it will make you feel so much better tomorrow. I have found when my kids were little that a day to myself was so precious. I gave myself too many expectations of what I wanted to do. Usually I just sat and read or relaxed. It was the expectations of having to do something that stressed me out.

Whatever you do...do it for you! Don't invite anyone. I understand you wanting to help people in need...BUT right now YOU ARE IN NEED. Start with yourself and you will be better to help others.

Have fun!

Fun! that is something I haven't done in a long time. I will. Thank you.

I, too, remember how much i appreciated a bit of "alone time" when in the midst of raising children.

You're going through a lot right now, Baby...and i, too, hope that you enjoy your day and evening.

You have a good heart, Hon! {{hugs}}

baby,
I am happy for you. Everybody needs fun once in awhile.

I really hope you will always come here for encouragement and love.
We do love you and feel so bad this is so hard for you.
I am scared for you and your kids.
I do know, this is your journey and you will do what you think is right. I am only scared that your kids will end up with no mother. That would be so horrible for them. It would come out of the blue.

All I am asking is you buy a couple of small cans of Mace to carry with you. One in your purse and one in your coat pocket---just in case if you need something to grab, please, something to help you if need be. We care about you and want you to be alive and well,

Today when I am out I will buy a can of mace :) Thank you Gem :)