Stay strong. Remember that night in the woods, remember how you felt, how you didn't even know if you would make it out alive. Remember how he acted like that was all normal behaviour. you really need to stay strong to save your life baby, it's that serious. If you haven't done the index card exercise, do it tonight. If you have, get them out and read them. Remember everything he done to you, remember how scared you were, how powerless, how degraded. Save your life baby, stay with no contact

I have a safety plan in place, I talked to one of my co workers at work and gave him a code in case I need to call him, cause a thought came in my head, if he is that dangerous when im on with him, how will he be when Im not with him.
So in case something happens to me, i gave him a phrase that I would say, and I will only be calling him.
My babe has me painted as the abuser, he is the victim. So I am walking away as silent as possible. I am not causing any waves and not even acknowledging him.
I wrote everything I could think of that he has done to me and documented it, and I have clothes and a pack in the car for me and my children. I am planning to go on a trip here soon just to let the fire distinguish a little bit and let him think he won.
I am not getting a restraining order. He is skilled a hiding his abuse, I have no physical marks on me that show he is abusing me. Just a few scratches that are not even visible.
I have no bruising on my body so it would just be my word against his.
I don't know its been a day since last talking to him, and I am finally realizing what could of happened to me. I feel like I am finally coming out of the whiteout that I have been in since we were together.
It hurts more than ever now that I am not in contact with him anymore.
my heart is aching.
But not enough for me to go back.
tonight I have worked a whole 15 hours. to make up for some time that I missed.
I am beat I am so tired right now I don't care what I am going home and sleeping.
Just thought I would share with you what I had in place.

A lawyer told me it doesn't matter if there's any marks or not, a court is generally willing to take the victims word for a restraining order - the idea being, if he's not planning on hassling / hurting you and you've made it all up, then the restraining order won't matter because he won't have to do anything special not to break it. And if you haven't made it up, then it's a good job you've got one. I don't know how it works over there but I expect it would be the same.

I'm glad you have a safety plan. Look after yourself x

i think he tried to call this morning on my ll i didnt answer let it go to machine. the person stayed on the line quiet. for a few second ten hung up. an hour later again. but i screening my calls so i dont answer them. well im off to see my daughter today. going to do some grocery shopping. just make it a day trip. k thanks ds. im feeling a lil stronger.

I feel, baby, that it is not him you miss, it is the boy you first met that you miss. You miss what should have been.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I just am so grateful that you are still OK. I still wish you would carry Mace--just in case.
Whatever you want--I wish you the very best, happiness and peace.
Sending you tons of support and bunches of hugs.

Hang in there, it will get easier.

Do have a plan for when you want to contact him, when the urge strikes you SO strongly that you just HAVE to give in. Have a plan of things you can do instead, so that you don't give in. Every time you have that urge and beat it, you weaken it so that it will be easier to beat the next time.

Stay safe. Remember the night in the woods. Remember the hate in his eyes, in his voice. Stay away.

Yep....codependency......
people here are so supportive....you are welcome here...

Well I gave in, I was talking to my son about christmas trees, and all of a sudden i text him and ask him if he was going to get us a christmas tree. ugh! I feel so discouraged, because I feel like my children need him too. But in any case I am trying again. It's hard not contacting him.
I know friends, lovers, don't treat each other like this, but I miss my friend, the friendship we had.
I am filling my days with activity, and taking care of me and the children, and doing things with them and family.
It is hard though when you shared so much time together.
I went over the mountain to visit my daughter, and passed the woods where him and I spent most of our time together, I cried all the way over and all the way back. Because regardless of how bad we argued and the abuse that went with it, I remember the laughter, the stories, the goals and dreams we made out there. I guess in a way I was grieving all that was lost in this relationship, the wasted time that was took from me. I will miss him terribly, there will always be a place in my heart for him. We just can't be together, and I think he knows that too.
He knows what he did, and he said it too, "I f'd up" and so now we just try to go on with our lives with out each other.
haha! the sad thing is even though he knows what he did. It is still my fault that he got so mad. It's still my fault that we ended it.
Even now when we are not together. Being the person that loved him so much. And wanting so bad to win his approval. I find myself even taking the blame and still yet going to the ends of the earth for him.
My heart doesn't ache as much as it did the other times I left him. I have been trying and struggling with this for about 2.5 years. But now It's not really that hard. The hard part is not telling anyone what happened to me. If I do, his head will roll, he will be the one out in the woods, being choked. I know my family, and my friends, they will take the law into their own hands. But when my neck gets stuck and I can't turn my head, I feel like telling others. I am probably always going to have problems with my neck now. I just can't bring myself to go into the clinic. I really don't know if its out of fear, or shame. Maybe both. He has family that works there too. So I am not sure what to do. I just know that sometimes I will turn my head to the right and it will get stuck a little bit. I have to massage the back of my neck so I can turn it again.
I guess its out of fear, because his cousin works there, and him being an only child on his mom's side, he is favored by his family a lot.
I guess I am just rambling now.
I will post more later. Thank you guys for listening.

I am glad to think you are feeling stronger, meaning it is easier to be apart for awhile.
I really think you should at least tell someone what he has done to you, so that if you ever need confirmation you will have it.
I think about you a lot and hope you are OK.
I am so sorry about your neck. I hope the catch goes away.
Please take care of yourself and stay safe.
Sending tons of support and bunches of hugs!!!

I do think you should try to get a medical assessment of your neck, though I do understand why you are reluctant.

Remember always, the shame is NOT yours to bear.

And one more thing. In addiction recovery, they talk about "a lapse, not a relapse" when there is a slight backslide. Your texting him was a lapse, not a relapse. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just acknowledge it and move on.

You can do this.

Anyone who is a member of this forum has probably onus themselves in the same pace as yourself more than once? With that being said I'm here for you if you ever need to talk. I admire your courage to share and be honest about where you are today emotionally. Godspeed!

You really should have your neck looked at. Go to a different clinic, seriously you don't have to go to the one where his family member works. You may need medical care and that is important. You need to take care of you~

I don't know how to explain it, but when you live on a rez its better to use your own resources.
But yeah I text him again last night, and then almost text him again, but I erased it and didn't send the second one.
I posted "single" to my facebook with a lil comment about us mutually ending things and that we are not mad at each other, but its for the best.
Hopefully that won't bring too much of an attack from him.
It's really hard to make this decision when I loved him so much and he was my friend. We talked to each other about a lot of things. Now its all gone. I feel like I lost my best friend. I know everyone says if he was a friend why would he do this. I can't answer that one for me, but I do know he lost a friend too. Me. I can't say that he doesn't have a heart. I believe these people who are angry and use violence are hurting and need help. They have to get it for themselves though. We as there mates can't get it for them.
In my heart I believe that the people who use violence have love, but there love is twisted, and mangled with there hurts. The saying hurting people hurt people, comes to mind. I have to stay away from my babe because he is abusive and can't control his anger. But because of our small community we have to see our exes all the time. I am hoping he works on his anger issues, but only he can.
So I can only pray that he will turn his life around, although I know that he will stay the same unfortunately, because he thinks he has done nothing wrong. So again I pray that my creator will show him his heart and show him how he hurts others with his actions. I pray that his loving direction would show my babe how he can change. I pray that he finds true love, and friendship in the future. I pray that our relationship wasn't in vain, that I have helped him on his goals and dreams and that he is a few steps closer to reaching them. I pray that he finds peace and happiness in the future, and that he will find closure to all his hurts and pains that his heart carries. In Jesus name Amen.

I really do understand where you're at right now...and it may help you to disengage from him a bit if you find another title for him than "my babe".

No offense intended, but you use it about this guy a lot, and from what i gather, he has almost choked you to death in the past, and you still suffer from this assault....yet you cover for him and call him "babe"...

That's just not healthy thinking, IMHO...

{{hugs}} and best wishes to you!

Baby...my therapist works as a social worker in a Mental Hospital for the Criminally insane. She was telling me a story about a guy who hacked his girlfriend into a bunch of pieces and told her that he was a really nice guy who deserved to be happy.

I think if we dig deep enough we can find some good in almost everyone out there. But when someone looks to cause you harm it might be time to not wish them well...but wish yourself well.