Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am still in contact with him, we are texting and calling each other. I can't seem to leave him. I guess I am just waiting for it to distinguish itself like a fire does, the light just goes out. I have made the effort to leave him, and make the choice to get away but it never happens.
I am going to yet another funeral for a couple of days and it will give me time to be with family, and it will be where there is no cell service, and hopefully this will give me time to un attach.
Its really really hard when you live on a reservation, and you see them all the time. Which is funny because I never see him unless he comes to my house. I never see him at the store, or post office, we live totally separate lives.
When we were fighting, he told me it was over and that it was the last time we were ever going to talk and blah blah blah, I think I posted that one?
But when I talked to him the last time I saw him, he told me I am never going to let you go.
I don't know what I am waiting for, I am so dependent on him for a lot of things. I don't know why I put myself through this turmoil.
I told him a lot of time we shouldn't be together, he asks then why do you text, i tell him because i love you, then he melts and then i melt because i want so bad the love he has.
i know abuse never gets better, it only gets worse and only they can change themselves.
But by my choice i choose to stay with him, and do i have a right to be here if i choose to stay?
Do i still get your support if I choose to stay with him, can I still vent and spill my guts to you all when I need to?
Its so hard to go against the grain and stay but I have to see. I have to give it a chance. He holds my heart. It has been a long time since I gave my heart to anyone, can I just leave it there? I don't think I can.
well thanks for letting me vent yet again. (((hugs))) I really need one :')
I am going to yet another funeral for a couple of days and it will give me time to be with family, and it will be where there is no cell service, and hopefully this will give me time to un attach.
Its really really hard when you live on a reservation, and you see them all the time. Which is funny because I never see him unless he comes to my house. I never see him at the store, or post office, we live totally separate lives.
When we were fighting, he told me it was over and that it was the last time we were ever going to talk and blah blah blah, I think I posted that one?
But when I talked to him the last time I saw him, he told me I am never going to let you go.
I don't know what I am waiting for, I am so dependent on him for a lot of things. I don't know why I put myself through this turmoil.
I told him a lot of time we shouldn't be together, he asks then why do you text, i tell him because i love you, then he melts and then i melt because i want so bad the love he has.
i know abuse never gets better, it only gets worse and only they can change themselves.
But by my choice i choose to stay with him, and do i have a right to be here if i choose to stay?
Do i still get your support if I choose to stay with him, can I still vent and spill my guts to you all when I need to?
Its so hard to go against the grain and stay but I have to see. I have to give it a chance. He holds my heart. It has been a long time since I gave my heart to anyone, can I just leave it there? I don't think I can.
well thanks for letting me vent yet again. (((hugs))) I really need one :')
I agree with Running and bean.
I just wish somehow you could protect yourself when he starts to beat on you or especially choke you. I am so scared for you baby. If he loved you like you love him, this would never happen to you.
Please ---STAY SAFE. Please just don't go out driving with him alone. Can you get some Mace for your pocket---anything to help you get away if you needed to???? please
He eventually left me and now refuses to talk to me. I hate it because I do still love him, I still ache for him, I still want to be with him, but I know I should be extremely thankful that he is giving me no way to go back (he's moved on to someone else).
I thought love was meant to be the most important thing. Your heart can't lie, right? Well now I think it can lie and it is not the most important thing. I don't think I am feeling love. I think it's just a trauma bond. It must be a trauma bond because when I ignore my feelings and just use my head, I don't want to go back, I don't like him, I know he is abusive, he sickens me, I know it would be dangerous to go back and the thing I want most is for the love feelings to stop.
Now I think the most important thing is to feel happy, whether that is on your own or with someone else. If you stay with this man, you won't find happiness and he will crush that heart that you have given to him. If you leave him, you give yourself a chance to find true happiness and proper love.
However, I do understand your situation and how hard it is. I have been no contact for about three months now and I'm still at constant war with my heart. I just need to keep reminding myself that no matter what it feels like, it isn't proper love. And even if I do love him, he does not love me back. He is incapable of it. I need to keep reminding myself.
The fire won't go out while you keep stoking it by continuing contact with him, continuing to see him. And as for the love he has - the "love" nearly killed you. That's not love. He has no love, he has a sick and twisted imitation of love and if you stay with him, you will never see the real thing.
That said ... while we will continue to encourage you to see who he really is and to get away, you still have every right to be here, to vent, whatever you need. We are here to support each other, not to judge each other.
I left him 3 times before I was finally able to stay away... I still think of him sometimes, and what we could have had if he hadn't been a drunk and an abuser.
Be safe. The one certain in your life is that he will hurt you again, it's just a matter of time. Believe it, I finally did!
((((hugs))))
I been at a funeral since yesterday, I am physically exhausted, and mentally tired.
I work til late tonight, my babe is most likely spending time with his son today, because it is his birthday. I'm not sure at the moment, because last time we talked he said he was going hunting because this was the last day of hunting season.
Any ways I will be going home and sleeping my self so I don't really have time to see him, because I work late tonight and then I work late again tomorrow.
and on Sundays he uses that day to get ready for work, and that is my first day of my weekend.
We spend so little time together these days that it is possible that I am just something to pass his time.
Last night was really hard for me, I was almost going bonkers wondering what he was doing. But this morning I missed him, but I was over the bonkers feeling.
since noon yesterday, until noon today I was out of cell service area. So there was no way he could contact me, but when I got into cell service area, he called me, and left me a voicemail stating that he had no more mins on his phone. He should by today, but I am not sure if he will or not.
I will be spending a lot of time with my family during this next week and will be out of cell range most days, so it still gives me time to detach (that is the word!)
So for now I am safe and away from his harmful actions. I want so bad to call him, I text him to let him know I am in range if he has mins. But he has not text back or called yet.
I seen some old flames at this funeral, and it caused me to smile for the first time really in a long time. My smile and laughter were genuine and carefree, but I felt like everyone was watching me, because they don't approve of these ones either.
Me and men, I swear I am so drawn to the bad ones, which is really odd because I am the type people don't cuss in front of, or drink in front of, i'm really spiritual, so i get a lot of respect in a sense.
I don't know just thoughts rambling in my head. tired.
k thanks again.
(((((hugs))))))
In your original post you seemed very concerned with whether the other people here would still respect you, or if anyone here would judge you for going back to him. But there is only one person whose respect matters, and that of course is you.
If you can *honestly* say that you will still respect yourself just as much after going back to him, then you owe it to yourself to give it your best try. But if, deep down in your heart, you know that you will lose respect for yourself when you go back, then you already have your answer.
Please just stay safe! You know what he is capable of.
Many hugs to you!!
Yeah for the millionth time since we been together, he has made me so mad.
just after i posted here yesterday i left to take my aunt home to my house, and he called and asked what i was doing, he was parked across the street at a different place, and I was pulling out of my work, and he called me, so I drove across the street to see him I just held him and kissed him and loved him and said sweet words to him, and he to me.
But that was then, after I got off at work at ten, I called him and left a vm told him I missed him, and when he called me back an hour later, he got all defensive and told me I didn't have to give him the 3rd degree all the time, that he was with his son its his birthday, didn't get to spend last year with him, I told him that wasn't my fault. So I told him I would call him tomorrow that I didn't want to argue, he said I love you and I hung up.
I started crying and thinking why cant we just have a normal conversation, then I started thinking about my night out in the woods with him and had some serious flashbacks and I remember that same cold angry hatred that he had that day, was the same voice he had on the phone,
so I text him one last time.....
"I still can't sleep thinking about our night out in the woods.....remembering your hands so hot and hurting me...the panic I felt wondering if this was my last night on earth. Then you telling me its over and you don't want me anymore.....Those words and actions stick in my head and make me scared of you. Hearing that same tone on the phone tonight i feel your hate for me....I realize all the words you said to me in the beginning were lies...so it makes me a liar too...because all my hopes and dreams that were made because of you are all gone. I love you.....always will....but because I see now you are telling me the truth you don't want to be with me, ..you hate me right down to the air I breathe...I will step out of your life, I will leave you alone....finally....you can say....I will always love you always have a place in my heart for the man I fell in love with in the beginning....when everything was right in my world....now there will be a hole where you were."
I have texted my family and friends that are very close to me, I got some responses and now I am on my way to freedom. My heart still hurts and I know it is going to take me a looooong time to heal from this.
I don't know if he will try to contact me or not, but I am really done, I can't stand the hatred he has for me, I have never felt love like this or hate like this either. So it's all new to me. I hope I have learned from this situation.
I am trying to refrain from sharing with too many people in case I fold again. It really is hard to say I left him. I never wanted it to end, but he is probably with some one else, and I can't prove it, but I hope he is happy where ever he is today.
I hate to think of him in someone elses arms, I hate to think of the awful things he is telling her about me, I know I am not perfect who is? But its just better for me to worry about me and my children.
My sister is coming to my house tonight to spend it with me, so I think that will be good. okay thanks again for accepting me and for your support and group hug (((((((daily strength)))))
I am weakening though