I'm so sorry for all that you have been thru. You are right to be concerned about not not really having dealt with the issues. Unfortunately, once a week for 10 weeks isn't nearly long enough, even with the best therapy, to heal from from so many years of abuse.

IMHO, one on one counseling is best. And other modalities than just talk therapy are needed.

IMHO and based on my training, I would say that you haven't gotten to the core of the abuse in order to heal, so it would be difficult to successfully complete assertiveness or cognitive behavioral therapy at this time.

I also think you are right to question if someone trained in abuse relationship therapy would be better equipped to help you.

Many therapists go into the field because want to help others heal from the very issues they have experienced and/or are dealing with. The problem is that many therapists don't do their own work. So their clients can and do trigger them. And they (the therapists) are not equipped to deal w/their own triggers and therefore can't help the client.

Unless a therapist has ADDITIONAL training, over and above what they rec'd in school and to get their license, they aren't going to be able to help you truly heal. Many therapists don't understand the dynamics of abuse, let alone the effects. Some of the effects are PTSD, trauma bonding, relationship addiction, codependency, and severe anxiety.

Here are some questions you might want to ask potential therapists:

1. What additional training over and above what was required to obtain your degrees and license? If they say none or its very minimal, you might want to move on to the next possibility.

2. Do you have additional training in trauma release, trauma recovery, ptsd, trauma bonding and addictions? (yes addictions because addiction isn't just about the ones we usually think of. Its also about addictions to drama, suffering, people & relationships) If they say no, move on to the next one.

3. What modalities besides talk therapy do you use and which ones have you had additional training in? This is crucial because, IMHO, While talk therapy is essential to every modality that I can think of, talk therapy alone doesn't get to the sub & unconscious which is where the trauma is stored. (Examples of modalities are guided imagery, hypnotherapy, and EMDR just to name a few.)

4. Is there a healing component in each session? I found from my own experience that talking about the trauma left me feeling worse when I left the session than when I started. There are modalities that include a healing component in each session. I can only speak for myself (and what others have expressed to me) that having a healing component not only helps us feel better when we leave, it can also help to empower us because we are doing our own healing with the guidance of the therapist. And those healing components build on each other.

5. Are you doing your own work? If they are insulted or refuse to answer, that's a pretty good indication that they are not. Again, move on to the next candidate. If they say yes, ask about frequency. Most therapists have a therapist they use professionally to consult with and vent to so the stress of their jobs doesn't overwhelm them. However, that's not the same thing as doing their own work.

It's quite common to begin therapy talking about the external source of the issue(s). In this case, it's the abuser. As you move through therapy, the focus should shift to how you internalize(d) what happened and the abuse becomes less and less of the focus. We learn that we can only change ourselves, how we see / process / interpret things. And we learn to change how we see things, how to set & keep healthy boundaries and most of all how to love, trust and nurture ourselves above all others.

I hope this helps.

~healing hugs~

Thank you for your detailed reply and time :).
I can see from your response that you understand, and I have also seen replies from others members on other discussions, that seem to be people that do get it, and seem to have a greater understanding of the healing process then I do.
I feel that you are correct and I have not got to the core, I just don't feel that most people understand, as even I struggle with how I react etc. My therapist is good, she just doesn't seem to dig. I just chat away. I feel as if she understands anxiety etc, but this is different. I wish I had someone that understood :(.
I only have two sessions left now, and then I am not allowed to apply for anymore for 6 months. I cannot afford to pay privately, as I would assume it would be very expensive.
I really want to heal now. I have come this far, and don't want to just stay like this now :(. Does anyone know of any free online therapy? :/

I would be very leery about online therapy. It's critical that the client & therapist establish a face to face relationship first. Most therapists I know won't even do phone sessions until the relationship has been well established. You can't trust what you read online as far as ratings/reviews go. And there are a lot of crack pots who claim to be therapists who really aren't.

So, if you do decide to do that, please thoroughly investigate the person and make sure they are licensed in your country & local licensing authorities and check w/the insurance board (if your country has one) to make sure they aren't censored and/or their license hasn't been suspended or revoked.

In the states, many local therapists offer sliding scale fees. Some will do pro-bono. And some will take payments. You might want to call therapists who specialize in trauma recovery and see if they will accommodate you.

Also, is there a way you can appeal to your insurance company to allow more therapy with a different therapist since it didn't help? Sometimes the squeaky wheel gets the grease, so to speak. :-)

I used to not go to therapy because I couldn't afford it. What I found out is that I can't afford not to. Therapy with the right therapist is a huge investment in yourself. And you DESERVE that!

~healing hugs~

PS, I love your user name.

Could you ask your current therapist and your MD to write letters to your insurance company on your behalf so that you could get an exception so you don't have to wait 6 months?

In the meantime, here are some things that will help you until you can back into therapy.


Meditation &/or prayer - connecting w/our creator or higher power (i.e. something greater than ourselves), helps calm us mentally, emotionally and spiritually. There is lots of free stuff about meditation on line. I especially like deepak chopra's website. https://chopracentermeditation.com/ They are actually starting a free 21 day meditation on 7/13. He offers all kinds of info about meditation. Plus there are free meditations w/music on youtube.


Gratitude - strange as it sounds, finding things EVERY DAY for which to be grateful helps shift our negative thoughts into positive ones w/o even realizing it. It doesn't haven't to be big....just being thankful for seeing a butterfly or that someone opened the door for you or that you found a parking place close to the store....anything...is a great start. Start w/three a day if you can. You can even repeat them. If you forget, just go on & do it the next day. It's good to keep a written list so when you're feeling down, you can remind yourself that there are things that you are grateful for.

Guided imagery - you can listen to many different types of guided imagery for free on youtube. Guided imagery gives us powerful positive suggestions & affirmations that will help rewrite the brainwashing we've been living with. You can create a mental image or sense of a calm and relaxing place (like the beach or the mountains, etc) where you can take a 'mini vacay' whenever you need to. There is a free download from Belleruth Naparstek (a therapist) on www.healthjourneys.com for a 15 min. relaxation guided imagery. I have purchased several of her guided imageries for various things and found them all helpful. There's one for trauma/ptsd, heartbreak, sefl-confidence, etc.

Deep breathing - even taking four slow deep breaths can change your frame of mind & bring calmness. Breathe in slowly to the count of four and out to the count of four, over time increasing the time it takes to breathe out to the count of eight.

Spending time in nature - focusing on the beauty around you truly helps take your mind off your problems for even just a few minutes.

Mental exercise - do word or number puzzles, memory games (there are free ones on line), take online classes, etc., reading for fun & reading for education, researching ways to practice self care

Physical exercise - helps the 'feel good' endorphins hang around & can help ward off depression

Eat well/healthy

Sleep - try to get as restful sleep as you can - it helps to listen to guided imagery &/or calming music as you're falling asleep.

Affirmations - Stating positive things about yourself as if they already exist can be very helpful - especially if done looking at yourself -eye to eye - in the mirror. Examples of positive affirmations are I am loved, I am love, I am good, I am smart, I trust myself above all others, etc. It doesn't matter if you don't believe them - say them anyway - ever day 10 - 20 -30 - 100 times a day! Also a really good way to use the affirmations is when the abuser is tearing you down. Just look at him/her as if you're paying attention and repeat the affirmation silently to yourself, over and over. Your brain cannot handle two opposing thoughts at the same time!

Setting intentions - I'm finding that when I set an intention, like 'there is a place to part right in front of the store,' that it happens almost every time. I got so good at it, that I rarely consciously set that intention any more but I still get good parking places. My therapist said once you get good at setting intentions, you need to be careful....because when you say 'sh*t', you better duck, lol. It works, but you gotta work it.

Healing from abuse trauma usually takes a multifaceted approach, so do as many of these as you feel comfortable. The key is to do which ever ones you pick on a regular basis.

Thank you so much Truecolours for being so kind and taking all that time with the tips.
I am in the UK, so whilst its great that the Therapy is free, you also have to just take what you are given, and normally it is only for a short time.
Whilst I know it would be great for me to have private therapy, there is just no way I could afford it, as struggling on small earnings, and the children have to come first.
My therapist has recommended a couple of books, but they seem to focus on anxiety more, whilst this is a big problem for me, I am not sure if the books will really help. Someone recommended a book about understanding the abuser, but to tell the truth I hate the sound of that. I feel that I spent way to may years trying to understand him, that I don't want to bother anymore, and want to focus on understanding me, am I wrong? or would it help?
Thank you, I will try to do them more often. I love the settling intentions thing, reminds me of a book I read "the secret". Do you say it out loud, think it or write it?

Hi,
I was thinking that the thing that really started the healing for me was going to free therapy sessions in a local women's center.
Maybe there is a center/ shelter for women that provides therapy in your area?
I love and support the idea of you putting yourself in your position and not in his, trying to understand him.
There must be a supportive and constructive place where you can work on your experience from the abuse.

Thanks disi. I have never thought of contacting shelters etc, as I got away from the relationship 4 years ago, did not feel they could help, but I suppose I have bypassed any help and support that would have naturally come along the way.
I have now emailed womens aid, to see if they can suggest anything or help. I don't know why I have not before if I am honest. I think when I went to the Doctor for help, I would just end up with the correct type of help. It is not until further into the counselling that I started to question if it was helping enough.
I understand it is going to take time, but I kid of feel like I am drowning, and fighting for my life. I know that sounds strange, and quite dramatic, but it is how I feel. I want to be a survivor like all the others I see on here :)

I was raised with the phrase : "Time heals all wounds"' like I have to sit passively and ignore what happened to me.
And about two months ago I was also at the point where four years had passes since the break up, and I still was not healed.
I have gained so much knowledge about the psychopathology of abusers, but rarely spoke about my emotions and about how the abuse changed me.
So what I am saying is that it does take time and when you find the right place for you to talk about you and to heal you, it will be very productive and the change will be noticeable.

Disi, it is a comfort to know I am not alone at feeling like this after 4 years. I almost feel worse now, because I am becoming aware of why I react in the way I do, and how things link to what I have been through.
I feel really ready to talk and let go, just struggling to find that right place.
Was it the free therapy sessions in the womens center that really helped you? Were they aimed at abuse victims or anxiety in general?

I got the advice to go turn to a women's center or shelter here on the forum from Ilene W, and she really saved me because I did find a local center for women who endured domestic violence and it is free specialized counselling. I finally feel like I am healing. I did talk about anxiety about where the abuser is coming from with therapists who did not understand the dynamics of abuse and I felt so bad and about to give up till I found this place where I feel like I am understood.

just wanted to say I am in therapy thru a program that also has a shelter for physical and emotional abused women and children...I was directed there by Adult Protective Services when things got so bad with my adult daughter....this therapist is now taking me into my child hood....this is very hard work...I never thought about any of this...as affecting me at this age and thruout the ages....anyway I hope you research clinics in your area.....there has been no cost and i have therapy and group to attend also they added art therapy...

I feel like expanding a little bit more about what effective healing is for me. The process began when I could tell the psychologist in the center my story without being judged or diagnosed. She listened to my experience and told me my ex boyfriend committed a sexual crime towards me and I finally felt like I am liberated from my secret and from the shame and the guilt I carried.
In other places I went for therapy I felt betrayed because they wanted to talk about my personality and personality traits and I felt like it was not about that and about me creating a new personality.
Now I know that what I needed is to get into the insides if my trauma.

Thank you Hotdogalice and Disi, it does give me a lot of hope that there is specialist therapy. I was worried I was expecting too much, and that this was all I could expect.
Are you both in the UK? I hope that I can find and get the help that you have both found :)

theroadforward,
I took two things from the secret. 1. like energy attracts like energy and 2. what we focus on expands.

I didn't start with intentions until my therapist & subsequent training focused on them. However, I now set them all the time. I do all three at different times. I write them down, say/think them to myself & out loud. I also ask like minded people to hold the intentions for me as well. And I do the same for them.

The first vision board I ever did ended getting put behind a dresser when I was going to have company. And then I forgot about it. Four years later, I found it. When I read it, I sat there and cried because every single thing I had put on it had come to pass.

I can totally understand about not wanting to read about understanding the abuser. Many people try to heal by intellectualizing everything. We think if we can understand it will help us. There may be some truth to that, but ultimately, healing must focus on US.

I agree w/disi. Take advantage of your women's center. Maybe they have some free individual &/or group therapy. And she's right about time not healing all wounds. We must take an active, assertive role in our healing.

I have read a ton of books and gained a little from each one. But as for healing, for me that came from the things I listed here.

Some books that might help are The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh, and IBreaking Free of the Victim Trap by Dianne Zimberoff.

The longer you were abused, the longer it will take to heal. But never ever give up on yourself. Healing isn't linear and it usually happens in baby steps.

I'd like to add something my previous comment about phone sessions. That was strictly my personal experience. I have found out that its a more common practice in other areas of my country. So if that's something you can take advantage of with a qualified therapist, then by all means go for it. :-)

I am not from the UK, but I know there are centers for women in several locations from browsing online...

You will find someone, it just takes time and I hope you got some key things to look for in your therapy/ therapist from the post.