Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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Angel32 11/21/2008

Some of my friends on here may remember my story from before. I haven't been on here in awhile, I think mainly out of denial. I tried to convince myself that things were ok. Basically, I went to Australia to be with my emotionally abusive boyfriend. I went there anyway, despite support from friends on here for me not to go.I just came back home to Canada recently with him for the holidays and he thinks that I'll be going back with him, Basically things went ok this time except for an incident that happened, which I've tried to block out of my head but am having a hard time with now. We got into a fight one day and he firmly put his hands around my neck and spit in my face. I was so shocked because that was the first time he ever put a hand on me. I should've listened to adice from everyone that it would come to that eventually but I didn't want to believe it. Now that I'm home, I feel stronger to end things with the support of my friends and family, however I'm terrified to tell anyone. I'm scared that nobody will understand. Plus there is that very small part of me that still hopes he will change. I'm scared to start over and don't even know where to begin. I quit my job to be with him and I feel so stupid for doing that when I new he was abusive. Any advice would be much appreciated. How do I get to the point to be strong enough to end it? Why do I keep hoping he'll change? Please help me.

startinanew 11/21/2008

Please don't go back with him..it is not going to get better. Stay in Canada where your friends and family are..where you are safe. If you go back you will be so far from home and won't beable to get home so easily and have no where to go the next time he attacks you!! He may even kill you next time!!! Please tell somebody, they will understand..HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE!!!

deleted_user 11/21/2008

Hi,
I hear ya,

He is not going to change. It will only get worse with him.
I imagine it is hard for you to see this right now. It may seem like he is your world. That is only the denial and illusion at work from previous abuse.

Getting choked and spitting in someones face is crazy behaviour. It is psychotic. There is no question about it.
There is never a reason to do that unless you are two crazy men having a psycho fight outside a bar.
Its insane. Its not how the world works.

Get to a therapist. They can open up your eyes to this fast and give you strength.

((HUG))

deleted_user 11/21/2008

i fully agree with previous 2 replies he wont change and you wont be able to leave without professional support like from a DV unit who can talk to in confidence on the phone,thats what i did and it was them who helped me get through after i left,friends and family are great for caring and mean well,but you can only gain strength from people who have been through it my family still dont know what im talking about when i say i was emotionally abused,so i just talk to people on here,i still loved him but had no choice but to leave it was agony but i knew i had to or i would have killed myself living in his torturous hell.I joined him in his city he kicked me out in middle of night had to walk streets for 6 hours with nowhere to go is this where you want to find yourself alone in Australia? it was that night i realised how alone id become the people who loved me where 120 miles away.you can add me as a friend ive only been on here a week myself,HUGS for all your going through x

deleted_user 11/21/2008

im so sorry,i dont think you should go back.i understand that wish that he will change.i feel that way all the time with my husband.yes though it gets worse and just when you think it doesnt it does.stay safe and trust your gut.i try but i cant say too much cause im still with him.so i understand.one thing dont beat yourself up though.i have learned that .the problem is his not yours...hugs

hockeymom5592 11/21/2008

Angel, I would venture a bet that everyone of us did stupid things for our abusers. Myself, I didn't go back to school for mine....I isolated myself from my family....I too didn't want them to know how abusive he was. But they have supported me every step of the way, they are the ones you need to tell, they will help you to be strong enough. They will be horrified...and as a result you will have an army behind you.

You know I was one of the ones who begged you not to go...and now I beg you again, don't go. Open up to your family and give them the chance to help you. Imagine if it were one of them, wouldn't you want to know and help? Take your life back...please.

Hugs to you Angel...and I'm so glad that right now you are in the safe arms of your family.

hockeymom5592 11/21/2008

Angel...also, I am about to have my divorce finalized after 32 years of marriage, and almost 2 years separated...and I STILL wish he would change...But I accept, acknowledge and understand to my core, that he never will, that he's not capable of change....

What you are feeling is normal....but you have to realize that wishing is only wishing, and won't make it so. And that in reality, he will NOT change....which he's proven.

Just say, no, I'm not going back....Do it the day you are supposed to leave....don't give him warning or time to argue it with you....Just say no...as close to the deadline as you can get.

deleted_user 11/21/2008

start by getting your job back.Tell him you need to work.The individual you are describing will get worse with time. The only thing to do is to pack and get out or get some type of intervention.

deleted_user 11/21/2008

http://www.codependents.org/

deleted_user 11/22/2008

It's good you can see the obstacles you have before you....the fact a small part of you still wants him to change....the fact some people won't understand. Please keep posting here Angel - it will keep you grounded. It's sure is helping me. I keep backsliding - it takes major work not to. I though am at the point where I desire him none. I've experienced lonliness but not consistent loniliness. I started working on my spirit - strengthening it. Just tonight an unexpected surprise from a friend I hadn't seen in a while - we met a group downtown for some wine and it was a great time. It's so refreshing not being around the immature ex-boyfriend. Please don't get down on yourself for quitting your job....these abusers have a talent and they are good at it - at luring us and seducing our hearts only to literally spit in our face. Enough is enough and that is not acceptable. hugs,
K

deleted_user 11/22/2008

My ex did the same thing. Where do these sick people get the idea to SPIT... of all things SPIT on another person's face!? I was spit on while choked, the next time his hands went around my neck I was thrown down on the bed and punched in the eye!!!

This is your wake up call- it's a 911 to get out of the relationship!

Please do not wait until it escalates further!

rainyangel 11/22/2008

I"m sorry he did that to do Angel, yea it's a bad sign. You can't go back with him. You don't have to stay with him. There are other men out there who would never treat you this way. It's not your fault. It's hard to let go, to rebuild your self esteem but it's well worth it. Please take of of you and do what you know it's right, hugs

layersuponlayers 11/22/2008

I never cared enough about myself but when the Ex strangled our son, leaving purple handprints that were so detailed you could see every crease of his fingers on my son's neck, and then he sent him to school telling him to put first aid cream, well I got the hint.

Come on girl, give a darn. whatever your addiction to him, overcome it. I've known people who have lost their kids because they wouldn't stand up and make the hard choice to fight back. Unfortunately Ive also known people who are being thrown from their cars while they are driving down the road by their loving husbands of 35 years and go back because they don't know how to support themselves. Then there are the woman whose husband set her and her three daughters on fire, then shot himself. She lived long enough to know all of her babies died horribly, then she died too.

I guess the point I am making is that these things consistently get WORSE. save yourself sweetie. You won't regret it.

sigh good luck :) Karen

deleted_user 11/22/2008

they wont change and we CANT change them we have to change ourselves first its hard cause you want to help the one you love but you have to love yourself first and it will just get worse i keep going back thinking it was not that bad till the day he bashed my head into the ground please dont go back

Angel32 11/27/2008

Thank you everyone soooo much for the kind advice and support. I just feel so alone, hiding this secret inside myself. I feel like I'm almost at the point to end things, but I still have a small nagging spot that is keeping. Maybe it's partly because I feel like a failer to others for things not working out. I'm 32 now and all I ever wanted was to start a family. It's scary thinking of starting over again. I try to keep telling myself that I need to stay strong and he is just an illusion to me and not the great guy I thought he was in the beginning. I'm really resenting him now. I really thought that when we came home things would be different. I still haven't met his family after 3 years so what does that show me? He's scared for me to meet his mother because he says that she'll be mean to. Meanwhile she doesn't even know me, and I know I'm a good person. He obviously has alot of issues and I can't help him as much as I'd like to. I need to work on MYSELF! I've put my life on the back burner for way too long. I pray for strength.

Kindmirrow 11/27/2008

For you to stay in the face of obvious abusiveness would be too high of a price to pay. You are ultimately not helping him if you give him the message that his abusive behavior is acceptable.
He needs to know that sending a hate message is absolutely not okay. You can give him this message verbally or non-verbally (by leaving his space).

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